This Is No Recession; It's A Depression

The beautifully warm spring weather disappeared giving way to high winds and threats of snow, a mere hiccup in the start of the summer weather.

Family members are still trying to retrieve the truck in Texas, and I feel more than helpless because I don't even have a vehicle I can go get it with. I don't even have a vehicle I can drive to Lubbock in. Both myself and my youngest daughter have stomach aches and a lousy migraines worrying about this truck and the cost to get it back. The only thing I seem capable of doing - is panicking.

The loan on her truck was declined, well, actually not declined. She was only offered $200, so she is now trying to secure a loan with her trailer. It will cost $1,000 to retrieve her truck.

Bill Dement recently wrote a letter to the editor that summed up my feelings pertaining to the economic situation we are facing. For people like myself who have already lost everything it adds salt into wounds for recovery is virtually impossible. Yesterday someone on-line, my own age, wrote," If I lost everything I would just start again." Oh, no she wouldn't. She has no idea the difficulties she would face. When the economy is good, when loans are easy to acquire, when circumstances are different ~ but not under the present circumstances.

This is no recession; it's a depression

To the editor: Posted: 03/17/2011 08:23:45 PM MDT

In response to the tongue-in-cheek editorial [Ruidoso News, March 9] that the recession is over and inflation is under control I would like to refer back to my letter to the editor in March 2010. I stated that we would be seeing Weimar Republic style hyperinflation and I mentioned that the PIIGS in Europe, whose economy had tanked under enormous debt loads would soon be here.

Is the government telling the truth about real inflation, unemployment or our real debt load? No. Real inflation started when Nixon took us off the gold standard in 1971. According to Jim Quinn, a leading economist if we factor in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac which is a government obligation the true national debt of the U.S. Is $18.964 trillion and we have a debt level of 130 percent of GNP. If you do not factor in Freddie or Fannie you come up with a debt level of 90 percent of GNP.
If you look at data of 44 countries over 200 years and Zimbabwe, Argentina, and Weimar Germany come to mind, every country hitting 90 percent of GNP as a debt level has seen economic Armageddon; devalued currencies, and a reduced living standard. Some naysayers point out that during WWII the U.S. Reached a debt level of 120 percent of GNP. This is not 1945 and we are no longer a net manufacturing nation. We are simply consumers. As for unemployment, according to several economists the government's figure of 9 percent unemployment is perhaps 16 percent to a high of 22 percent that John William's Advertisement Quantcast Shadowstats espouses.

There are many people who are underemployed. This means they are not making their bills on their salary but they stopped looking for a better paying job. They may have had their hours cut. How many people in Lincoln County feel this way?
Other people stopped looking for work while they went to school in the hope that a graduate degree will help their job prospects. When we look at the spiraling upward household debt levels; credit card debt comes to mind, people are using credit cards to pay for soaring gas, food, and heating bills. They simply cannot make it on their salaries.

Until we demand that our government post the real facts and enter into serious discussions about the problems of the U.S. Economy there will be no fix in site. Let's stop the spin. This is no recession. It is a depression. This is not solely a Republican or Democratic issue, it affects every American.

Bill Dement
Alto

For people like Robert & Sylvi Huckins, who have stolen so much money they are well cushioned, they have a home, the economic situation won't even faze them. For their victims like myself.. left homeless and my career in ruins this is beyond anything I can even put into words.

I scrimp and save trying to come up with building supplies, I was so blessed that KEDU 102.3FM radio station and Alto Cafe were kind enough to raise some funds that was enough to buy an old single wide trailer and have it hauled in. I am frantically trying to find a way to pay a contractor a paycheck when I can't even earn a paycheck to do any other than keep my head above water. I think the judicial system should tell me how they expect me to do it on $450 a month.

I am simply lost at how to get this building and renovated started. Totally lost, and so frustrated.


Meanwhile the family of raccoon returned last night trying to demolish my belongings that are packed in boxes. If I didn't adore raccoons I may be sorely tempted to shoot them ~ but I'm a wildlife person. I simply love animals if they be wildlife, domestic animals or livestock. It perplexes me when human beings kill, just because they can.

Someone shot, killed and dressed a doe behind Alto Post Office and her head is now laid alongside the road. When people are willing to poach this close to residents it's a horrifying sign of sheer desperation. The economy is going to get a whole lot worse before it get's better and I, for one, am terrified that I can't get on my feet fast enough to survive it.

A good heart is better than all the heads in the world. ~ Edward Bulwer-Lytton

The New American Dream

I have not slept a wink all night. I kept trying to go to sleep and panic engulfed me. A late model truck left in Texas and no-one has the money to retrieve it. Homelessness I can't seem to resolve and everything else just left me in a state of sleepless panic.

It wasn't until 12 noon that I spoke to my daughter, who is going to get a loan on her old truck to finance going to get the new truck. This economy, and how it's making life so hard for my kids, is simply terrifying.

Last night gale force winds started up and it made being inside this shed hell on earth, and compounding everything a family of raccoon started destroying my boxes of belongings. By 6 am I could no longer keep my eyes open or find the energy to sit up, but sleep still wouldn't come, and the panic wouldn't go.


Clearly I have to lower my living expectations, just to stop myself from having a nervous breakdown.
I may have to chose between staying in a shed with raw sewage, wind, and wildlife coming through - or I may want to consider the latest in eco-friendly residences that need no building permits, or help to construct. I can enlist the help of my grand-children to make these, and they come with matching decor and accessories.

No stairs for my mother to worry about. You don't have to worry about cleaning.. just throw out the old and bring in the new. And here I have spent three years mortified that I couldn't get into a home ~ when the answer was so simple.

The winds are so bad that we have emergency warnings but I am so tired it's giving me an excuse to take a day off work and just... sleep.

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. ~- Ralph W. Sockman

The Stolen Money Has Been Found..

Well, that isn't exactly true. The $450 restitution payment for March, which Robert Huckins has to pay to keep out of jail arrived yesterday. So $450 of it surfaced.

It would delight me no end if I could blog;

"Robert & Sylvi Huckins had a conversion by miraculous intervention, and in a sincere show of repentance they have told ALL of the victims where they hid the stolen money, so now we can have the home we bought and paid for."

But that hasn't happened thus far, and I don't think I should hold my breath.

The judge has decided that if Robert Huckins doesn't fess up to where they hid the money he's going to be thrown in prison - where he belongs.

But, I have seen the judicial system and I'd have a better chance being thrown in jail for a driving ticket.

I would love to write, "MY boss bought me a $1 lottery ticket and it WON." !

That hasn't happened either.

I'd be thrilled if I could write, "Someone offered to finance me a modular."

Nope. Not happened.

I'd be simply overjoyed to write, "I have people helping me renovate the single wide and put the roof on the barn."

Sadly.. that has not materialized either. I'm still hitting that brick wall and it's excruciating.

Homeless people should fit a certain profile and we should all be given liberties in specific area's.

We shouldn't have families to worry about. My son-in-law and daughter were laid off from their places of work and cannot find employment. Today my son-in-law broke down in Texas, 600 miles from home. It's been frantic phone calls from early morning to late afternoon trying to find anyone who can help but the only course of action is for him to return to Missouri, and go back and get the truck with a trailer. Financially it's going to be very difficult for them, if not impossible, and we have all been on pins and needles all day fretting and worrying.

The first day of spring, which I have prayed to reach all winter yet I'm so disillusioned and depressed. I desperately try to find hope, but this seems such a hopeless situation, and each day just awful to get through. I feel so small, so insignificant and so helpless.

The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of. ~ - Charles H. Perkhurst

Super Moon

Winter seems like a lifetime away, and perhaps the stress and frustration can be blamed on the super moon and has nothing to do with Robert Huckins and trying to get a roof over my head, a home.

The weather is so beautiful I can hardly believe it. We have made one huge leap from frigid temperatures to bright sunny and warm summer like weather. It went from desperately trying to keep warm - to t-shirts and shorts.

After a terribly stressful week with family problems and worries everything worked out and calmed down so today was one so peaceful. It was as though one's soul gives a sigh of relief.

I have two adult daughters and their father has refused to share parental responsibilities since they were small children .. so both turn to me. I have five grand children but I am the only grand-parent who plays an active roll in their lives.
So when financial tensions arise due to medical bills or just life the panic doesn't trickle one direction, everyone gets caught up in it.
It's very difficult for all because everyone is struggling, and I am in dire straits.


The horse that my boss was supposed to acquire 2 weeks ago has still not arrived and he's clearly getting impatient. Under normal circumstances I'd transport the horse ~ but I no longer have a hauling truck.

My income during the past 3 years has literally been 1/3rd of what I would normally earn. I can't train, can't teach, can't stand stallions because I can't get the barn finished. I truly question whether I've suffered such severe health problems through the stress and trying to go through winters in such harsh conditions that I will ever be able to return to my career. Today I felt better than I have in 3 years. Feeling good felt oh, so good - Lord let my health continue to improve.

I started seedlings some weeks ago and I'm impatiently wanting to get them planted in the garden, but as good as I felt today digging is physically beyond me. Hopefully a rotor tiller will be brought in.

Maybe tomorrow something will happen to give me some hope that I can have a home without further delay, something has to happen sometime surely?

Hope springs eternal in the human breast. ~ Alexander Pope

Spring Break

With temperatures going into the 70's the weather is fabulous. It simply doesn't get any better than this type of spring, and the Village of Ruidoso is starting to be packed with tourists for the spring break.

After being sick all night with a terrible migraine I managed to meet with my daughter at Wal-Mart to discuss what to do about the truck situation. Tomorrow four of my grand children are heading to family in California for spring break, the fifth will be coming back through Ruidoso on her way home to Missouri. I was so deathly ill when I walked into Wal-Mart I thought I'd never be able to walk out on two feet.

I am simply besides myself with worry at how I can jump start the renovation project on the single wide, and get a roof on the barn. My head is spinning trying to find any route to get into a home. It is so exhausting and nerve wrecking.

While I was in the garden center Robert and Sylvi Huckins came through and bought gardening supplies and an apple tree, and paid with a $100 bill. I don't think they even noticed me stood there until after I had left and gone to get some migraine medication from my daughter's truck.

I've met a lot of people in my lifetime but I doubt that I have ever met two people so lacking conscience, so arrogant in their lawlessness, that it really gets under my skin. They smirk at victims knowing that they... got away with it.

This spring break ... is breaking my heart.


He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. ~George Eliot

St. Patricks Day

Today the weather was fabulous, in the 70's, yet an emotionally tense & stressful day with family members facing serious medical financial problems and wondering how and when I can get this building back on track. I forgot all about it being St.Patricks Day until well after noon.

St. Patrick actually wasn't Irish, and his birth name was Maewyn Succat. Patricius, would have been his Romanicized name. And it's long since amused me how this holiday has evolved into one that I hardly recognize. Historians have never been able to agree on "where" Bannavem Taberniae is located. Wales? South-Eastern Briton? Somerset? In his Confessio, Patrick writes:

I had as my father the deacon Calpornius, son of the late Potitus, a priest, who belonged to the small town of Bannavem Taberniae; he had a small estate nearby, and it was there I was taken captive.

He further states in another paragraph:

"I, Patrick, a most untutored sinner and lowest of all the faithful and the most despicable in the eyes of many, am son of Calpurnius, a deacon who was the son of Potitus, a priest, from the village of Bannavem Taberniae, who had an estate near it, where I was taken prisoner. At the time I was about sixteen years of age, I had no knowledge of the true God and I was borne away into captivity in Ireland with thousands of people."

His life as one of the early Christians was simply amazing. Years spent as a shepherd in isolated locations, years spent as a slave. But he left an indelible legacy for leading the Irish people to Christ that has endured hundred of years, and the shamrock simply became his way of explaining the trinity.

During his six years of slavery he developed a life of prayer and even attributed his escape from slavery to his deep Christian faith, after his escape back to Britain he had a dream in which the voice of the Irish begged him "to come and walk again amongst them". He decided to return to Ireland.

After years of preparation he returned as a missionary bishop, with some helpers. On his return he entered Strangford Lough and landed at the mouth of the River Slaney, County Down. His first church was a barn at Saul ('Sabhall' is the Irish word for barn). This barn was given to him by the first person he baptised - Dichu, a local chief in the year 432AD. The site of the original church is marked by the ruins of a 12th century Augustian Friary. Patrick traveled over much of the north and west of Ireland, preaching Christianity.

Patrick died around the year 462AD. His resting place lies in Downpatrick nó Dún Phadraig, translating as Patricks’ fort Co an Dúin County Down.

Today I received and e-mail from World Vision. World Vision is a charity I have long time supported, and I think it is small way of helping those who cannot help themselves. I tried to cut and paste the e-mail I received from them, but it wouldn't fit on this blog. So I went to the url given, and cut and paste directly from the web site.

World Vision is distributing relief supplies to thousands of people devastated by the massive earthquake and tsunami that struck Japan on March 11. An emergency response team is on the ground in hard hit areas, providing water, blankets, and other urgently needed supplies to survivors. Ongoing efforts will focus on the unique needs of children, who are the most impacted. Please help us respond quickly to this disaster.

Japan’s 9.0 magnitude quake triggered a massive tsunami along the northeastern coast – sweeping away entire villages with walls of water more than 30 feet high. “We are now facing the most tragic disaster in our country’s history,” said Kenjiro Ban, World Vision’s Humanitarian and Emergency Affairs Manager.

In the wake of a disaster, World Vision is often one of the first organizations to begin relief work by distributing emergency supplies and sending highly-trained staff to assess and respond to the most urgent needs. We remain on the ground for the long haul, rebuilding communities and restoring hope.

Please join us in praying for the children and families impacted by the devastating quake and tsunami in Japan. And send a gift to help them today.

In the event that donations exceed what is needed for Japan Quake and Tsunami Relief, World Vision will redirect funds to similar activities to help children and families in need.

http://donate.worldvision.org/OA_HTML/xxwv2ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?ppi=76667550&funnel=dn&et_cid=23023679&item=2200736&go=item&section=10339&et_rid=76667550&xxwvCampaign=123711117&prod=Pl0VnFvbqSWTnwpNvODyGN6T:S&prod_pses=ZGB4C77D80B3A404E8DE85190626572FE8AAA232D802A27D76C2EDA34BDEB38FE1A4C4195290ACA1EE1A83CC45916C7C0D451AF2F7C388347E

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I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. ~ - C. S. Lewis

Cruel Contrasts

Yesterday I had to stay off the computer because I was so angry I could barely utter a word without exploding at everyone around me - but especially at myself.

This life is such cruel contrasts, such injustices, that it's not difficult to go into emotional overload.

Watching Robert Huckins leave a comfortable home and head towards his mothers home REALLY threw darts deep into my heart.

I can't see my mother, she can't stay in her home, because Robert Huckins made sure that was never going to be possible again. I can't take my grand-children home because I don't have a home.

I earn enough to keep my head above water in perilous financial times, but I don't earn enough to rent a place, or come up with the finances to pay construction crews to renovate this single wide.
I'm surrounded by warm comfortable homes, people who live like civilized human beings, yet yards away from homes I sit in a garden shed. And have sat here through some awful conditions - inhumane conditions.

Yet I look towards Japan, and I see the worst possible human plight, whose loved ones are missing and whose future is precarious. A horror beyond horror.

Yesterday the contrasts were simply too much for me to handle. Emotionally I couldn't handle the frustration and the injustices I see and experience.

It's strange how a national disaster, a grand-daughter, and the sight of a convicted felon who has destroyed so many lives but his own, can be just enough to open Pandora's Box and let the emotions flow...
Yesterday was the day when everything collided.

I still have no help on the horizon with the single wide and barn. Jan, at the Lazy J, thought she could find a welder to get the barn roof on but couldn't remember his name or contact information and had no idea how much how would charge..

Please God, I'm so exhausted and so desperate, Please open some doors and let us have our lives back as a family, and I ask the same for the Japanese.

No man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Missing My Family

What a stressful day this has been.

My grand-daughter came to Ruidoso to visit, and having not seen her in 3 years it was heartbreaking that I couldn't take her "home" with me. We sat in the Wal-Mart car park for what seemed like an eternity. A grandmother and her 10 year old grand-daughter trying to play catch up, trying to spend time together, but having no place to go that can welcome family.

I waited for Ashley to ask to spend the night, go home with me, as she normally would. To say anything that would force me to admit that I am homeless. How do you explain to an 11 year old that a builder has hidden your building fund - the only finances you had for a home - and there isn't a home anymore.
But she had clearly been forewarned, and kept a distance from the subject.

I miss my family and the loss is simply ripping my heart out. All the way up Gavilan Canyon back to the shed I sobbed heartbroken.

Salt was added to the wounds when I passed Robert Huckins as he left his comfortable home heading to his mothers home in Upper Canyon.. sometimes I wonder how law enforcement and the judicial system can look itself in the face without blushing.
Perhaps they don't even see their own reflection.

The Ford350, "the gray ghost", has finally gone. Where to find another hauling truck on my meager income - already under water trying to get into the single wide and get the barn finished - is yet another problem that I simply can't handle.

I missed my home and felt the barb of homelessness especially sharp today, and I still have no idea how to find the help needed to renovate the trailer and help get the roof on the barn.


I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of rights. ~ Bishop Desmond Tutu.

A World Away

Today was another beautiful sunny and warm day, in the 60's, in paradise but I was so ill, and so cold, that my feet were freezing just as they had when the temperatures were below zero. Try as I could I simply couldn't get warm throughout the entire day. I was too ill to even try to think about the single wide and barn.

The Japanese tragedy is so distressful that your heart simply bleeds for people who have so much suffering. Even though prayer is the only thing you can offer, with financial donations, and you know that the God of creation is a loving God, prayer & donations still do not seem enough under these circumstances.
There is such an urge to push back the clock, and lead millions to safety. To protect those who perished. To spare so much heartbreak.

It's one thing to wonder about man's inhumanity towards man. But it's a totally different thing to watch entire communities, an entire nation, suffer such devastation at the hands of nature. When you see something so apocalyptic that words simply can't cover the sheer horror.


I feel terribly ill today, but I'm not out looking for my family wondering if they have been swept into the sea, or covered in feet of mud. And my heart bleeds for those poor souls who are.

Compassion alone stands apart from the continuous traffic between good and evil proceeding within us. ~ Eric Hoffer

Sunshine On My Shoulders

What amazing weather this is. 66 degree's with crystal blue skies. The horse never did arrive, but the deer managed to eat almost 2 bales of alfalfa put in the manger for the horse. I gave a HUGE sigh of relief when it didn't arrive, perhaps by the time he gets here I won't feel so "staved up" and ill.

Today I brought in some grass hay and had to explain - again - to my boss that I no longer have a hauling vehicle. Horses without a hauling vehicle, and with an ill person handing them should be an interesting proposition all the way around.

There is a part of me just silently screaming with frustration. I just HAVE to get that trailer house & barn finished .. we HAVE to see my mother alive.. and I can't physically weather one more winter in a shed - in the bitter cold, but I'm still stuck without help and no way to "jump start" this project. I try to be so optimistic but this is the fourth spring I have been exactly where I am so I'm finding it hard to jump up and down with enthusiasm.

IF someone in the District Attorney's office would reveal where the stolen money is, perhaps I could retrieve enough to at least live HALF as comfortable as Robert & Sylvi Huckins are living.. but thus far no one has told me where the money went to.

The status quo is the only solution that cannot be vetoed. ~ Clark Kerr

Horseing Around..

The weather is fabulous today, 67 degree's, sunny - just glorious, so my boss decided to have a horse hauled in for him to ride.

It's so hard explaining to someone in their 80's that you have just come out of frigid winter temperatures, homeless, without creature comforts, that have left you physically incapacitated. That you couldn't saddle a horse, let alone try to look after one at this point in time. That you are simply too ill, seriously ill, to have such a responsibility.
For someone who works with horses this isn't good.

Yesterday I couldn't walk, nor move my arms. From my neck to my feet my body felt that any second it could shut down altogether, each step becoming more and more painful. And the migraine tore my head in two. By late afternoon it became obvious that I wasn't going to make it.. and I was given some heavy duty pain killers. This is the very first time in almost 36 months I can remember going to sleep.. and sleeping peacefully and painlessly the entire night.
It felt so good to just sleep without interruptions, without waking up in pain, unable to get back to sleep.

Perhaps I should take Jan's advice and start to take equine joint supplement and try to regain function. I thought that when the warm weather arrived I would return to normal and be able to do all the normal things.. but I couldn't have been more wrong.
This time in 2009 I had a stable full of horses and had no physical problems at all recovering from a homeless winter, but this past winter beat me up pretty bad.
This is just so frustrating.

The Japanese earthquake has been on the headlines with justification. What a tragedy, a heartbreaking tragedy .. my prayers are with the all of the victims.

Status quo, you know, that is Latin for "'the mess we're in." ~ Ronald Reagan

Spring Foreward

The clocks go forward on Sunday and I can't wait.. or can I? The weather is so beautiful that these mountain ranges simply radiate. I so want to get going and get the single wide ready to live in, get the barn roof on. Yet I am aware that one more hour of productiveness may turn into one more hour of worrying myself sick, trying to do alone what needs skilled people.

Yesterday my youngest grand-son spent the day with me while I ran errands, and spent an hour or so cleaning the inside of the Ford350. The Gray Ghost.

You would think that cleaning the inside of a truck wouldn't be a particularly difficult physical activity. It certainly wasn't difficult for me not very long ago. After 20 minutes I couldn't move without being in excruciating pain in my spine, hips, fingers and arms and a migraine started in earnest that remained with me when I woke up this morning.

I have always been a morning person. I love being up and around before sunrise, watching a new day dawn while I work. I love the solitude, quietness the horse industry affords when mornings mean greeting the day with Gods creations.

These days I can't wait for nightfall so I can crawl into bed and try to forget the physical pain and the desperation of homelessness. I detest mornings, detest the days and drag on so slowly without any change - but to get worse. I just need it to end.

Friends across the US and in GB are wondering why I am being so quiet, why I ignore their requests for updates.. but I get so tired of responding, "nothing has changed."

Denise,

Are you ok?

I wondered if you were feeling any better? Did you manage to get some help to bury your poor dog? I am worried I haven't heard from you & we will lose each other again.

Love Jackie x

How's it going... I haven't heard from you in soooo long....
What's up??? Good or bad!!!
George

I pray that in 2011 something will change, but I don't dare have any expectations. All I can do is keep trying.

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy and a tragedy.~Mark Twain

In Like A Lion... Out Like A Lamb..

Gale force winds stirred up yesterday afternoon giving truth to the saying that March comes "in like a lion and goes out like a lamb." You could barely see the Sierra Blanca that looms over us for dust, despite being so close to it.

I was so deathly ill that a trip to Lawrence Brothers grocery store turned into an awful situation. I started to be physically sick while walking into the store, and ran between vehicles to hide. It took me 30 minutes to get the gagging under control. But all through the store it continued and terrified that I would be sick inside the store I grabbed the few items we needed and ran..

I just can't believe what has happened to me in 3 years. I'm so spent.. and my life, any semblance of my life I had, has gone. I keep hearing the quote, "Life is short." But sometimes it's just way too long. Painfully long. Unnecessarily long.

I turned 56 today.. well, I think I turned 56 today. Maybe the numbers should be reversed. *Sigh*

The weather today is simply wild. High winds, colder than it has been for the past week, and pretty dismal. The Ford350, the "Grey Ghost," was returned to me yesterday. It is running, barely, but still needing all the lifters replaced. So today I'll try to clean it, detail it.. and hope that the truck goes to a new home before next week.To someone who can afford to put the money into it that it will cost to repair.
Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of it's sorrow, but only empties today of it's strength ~ Charles Spurgeon

Spring Is In The Air..

But my unsuccessful efforts to find any help with the house and barn have sent me into a downward spiral of depression.

Having spent the first 12 months unable to stop crying, I thought I was unable to shed another tear. But the past few days proved me wrong. The weather has been simply gorgeous ~ just ideal for working ~ yet instead of having hope and optimism I'm now going into panic, so depressed I don't know how to cope with the gut wrenching stress, and continual illness. I just can't stop crying.

On the 10th of March Robert Huckins will owe me another $450 (monthly) payment but I can't come up with the type of money it will take to hire contractors to renovate this single wide and get the roof on the barn for me ... let alone come up with the funds to buy the electric poles.

The way the courts have allowed this to be set up it will take Robert Huckins over TWO YEARS to repay the money that the electric poles will cost. I just don't know where to turn for help..

In skating over thin ice our safety is in our speed. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hitting A Brick Wall..

Despite all attempts to try and find any way to start getting the single wide renovated, the electricity & water functional and the barn roof on, I just seem to be hitting a brick wall. It's simply gorgeous weather, so inviting to "hit the ground running" yet I have been ill in bed with a migraine that is physically draining me.

Sometimes desire just isn't enough. Trying to get a roof over our heads has been the biggest hurdle I have ever faced in my life turning into a 3+ year odyssey with no end in sight. Some things make no sense whatsoever, so when I started crying yesterday morning and couldn't stop crying it didn't make one ounce of sense. By this afternoon my eyes were swollen and sore.. but still the tears fell.

You just feel so helpless. The weather is simply fabulous yet the hurdles remain exactly the same and you continue to hit a brick wall thoroughly exhausted.

The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder. ~ -Virginia Woolf

Just Another Baby Boomer

Next Tuesday it will be my birthday, and though I have never liked birthdays it's perplexed me how easy it was to forget how old I am. I also know that I am not the only AARP candidate that forgets how old they are. If you ask anyone over 50 their age the majority tend to have to think about it before answering .
I know that I will be one year closer to 60.
And, it just may not be coincidence that MIT introduces the Whirlwind machine on March 8 1955, yet it gets more than a little scary that so many obituaries show the same birth date.

My oldest grandson, still in kindergarten, told me that the animals "love you grandma because they think you are a kid." I'm not too sure if that is a back handed way of saying that I need to grow up.

Trying to focus on the single wide trailer and the barn has got to be my priority for the rest of 2011 for I know that I won't reach another birthday if I can't get into a home, of some kind. But how to find the help I need is simply beyond me.
This winter has been incredibly hard on my body, physically depleting me, and Jan advised me to try some horse supplements for the arthritis and bone tumors. I will happily try anything that makes movement less painful.

The temperature was 61 degree's by 9 am this morning, and 66 degrees by mid-day. Simply awesome weather and I feel so blessed to have survived some serious frigid temperatures. How beautiful it has been this week. But now the stress of trying to get the house and barn done is rising, wondering how I can find the help I need to get a roof over my head without further delays.

As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed.~ Vincent van Gogh

Remember Today Before It Fades Away...

Last night, for the very first time since Robert Huckins absconded with our building fund, I slept in a house, a home. That is because I babysat until 4.30 am this morning.

Homes are houses with attitudes. As I sat on the couch I started noticing the windows and doors, looking at the design and construction. It wasn't a big house, but when you are sitting in a 12ft shed almost anything beyond a 12 foot space is enormous. The mere fact that you can see floor, and walk without having to climb over boxes make it luxurious. I suspect that everything becomes relevant when you have been left homeless.

Today has been a fabulous day, the temperature soared to 62 degrees and it was sunny, crystal blue skies and a freshness you can only find in the Rocky Mountain. What a beautiful day it has been.

It was a day when the bitter cold harshness and hardships of winter seemed worlds away.

A day of elk and mule deer lazily taking advantage of sunshine soaked naps.
Earlier in the morning at the Lazy J Jan watched as one of her dogs played tag with 3 young coyotes. Even the wildlife are excited at the thought of spring.

Jan and I sat looking towards the Sierra Blanca and Nogal Peak, as we have done so many times, in awe of the natural beauty around us and the delightful weather.

My boss announced that he has horses coming in this week and I'm fairly worried. I have building supplies, gas heater and electrical appliances for my home stored in the feed room. In the tack room I stored my living room furniture - neither building can be used for saddles and horse feed until I move my things. I have furniture and boxes piled up in the stable..

Oh, the fun of it all...

I wonder if I will ever wake up in my own home ever again, for waking up in someone else's made me terribly homesick. I just want to go home, but home for me sometimes seems like an unobtainable illusion...


I've looked at life from both sides now, From win and lose and still somehow, It's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all. ~ Joni Mitchell

12 Degree's...

It was 12 degree's when I woke up, and I was frozen solid and very stiff. My toes have disappeared again under the block of ice I'm confident has been around my feet all night. But 12 degree's with no wind is a whole different world than 30 degree's with gale force winds. The stillness is so welcoming after a night of trying to cover myself with blankets to get away from the bitter cold wind howling through this shed.

During the night several raccoon and skunk tried to join me, and their scrambling around sent my packed boxes of belongings falling everywhere. In the middle of the night, without any available light, I tried to get the boxes somewhat arranged. So I could at least get out in an emergency.

Two days ago my grand-son, not yet old enough to go to school, told me not to worry because he's going to build a tree house for me. He went into detail before asking, "Grandma, are you proud of me?" I certainly was proud of him. His plans may have been as do-able as this single wide has ever been, as putting the roof on the barn has been.

How I wish I could have the mind of a 3 yr old and wonder off into make belief where problems that have been insurmountable for years are resolved by our imagination.


By 10.30am the temperature soared to a wild and dizzy 57 degrees and it was simply gorgeous.
We have such crystal blue skies at this elevation and today the sky was awesome.
Is winter over yet? Is this now spring.. and dare I hope when all hope has gone so many times.
I want the person I was 3 years ago back again.. I want energy, health, motivation, hope, my mother, my family intact and all the dreams I dare dream.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~ Albert Einstein

Grab Onto Any Old Log Floating Downstream

I have been so violently ill through the night and morning that trying to shake a lousy migraine has been impossible, and I have so much to do today.

I get so frustrated being this ill. I just don't understand why my health won't improve long enough for me to get something done. It's miserable when you can't be around people because the nausea prevents you from speaking, when your head is pounding and you can't focus your eyes on anything.
When all you really want to do is curl up into a fetal position and sleep. When opening your eyes in the morning is the very last thing you want to do.

Someone won the $184 million dollars - and it wasn't my boss. My mother has always said that when you have tried every route to save yourself in a raging torrent, and desperation sets in, you will "grab any old log that floats downstream." My boss didn't win the lottery - again. That log wasn't buoyant. But a few million to one odds seems to be the same odds I am facing no matter which direction I turn.

Back to the drawing board. The same drawing board I have been sat at for four years.

An old single wide house trailer needing renovating. Metal barn roof on the ground, building material sat waiting to be used. No utility poles to get the electricity turned on at the property. No idea how it has all managed to survive this winter. Not quite enough money and no help. No idea WHERE the building fund disappeared to... but Robert & Sylvi Huckins know where it is.

The weather this morning was fabulous. 44 degree's, a little windy, but nothing like the forecast we braced ourselves for. By 11 am the cold front came bringing high winds and sleet, dropping the temperature by 12 degrees in less than an hour. Winter hit with force prayerfully for the last time this winter.

I'd like to think that I can spend a wet cold Sunday trying to do something constructive, but I know that I'm going to start to worry about the Ford350, and the trailer house, and barn and along the way the whole lot will snowball and my cup will runneth over.

As I sit in this garden shed listening to the storm the only truth I know that lacks confusion, debate or complications....is that I am simply exhausted.

A voice is a human gift; it should be cherished and used, to utter fully human speech as possible. Powerlessness and silence go together.~ Margaret Atwood

Wind, Rain And Snow..

I would like to think that this is the very last winter storm of 2010-2011, but with winds expected to gust to 45-80 mph it looks like it may turn into one to remember. We are being told to expect 3 to 6 inches of snow and I am simply dreading another fight with frigid temperatures. Despite the weather forecast and the high winds the weather is simply gorgeous today.

I went to bed last night with a migraine, trying to sleep it off. But I was woken up around 3.30 am with the wind beating against this shed. It's rather strange being inside an enclosed garden shed when bad weather arrives, because you can't see anything and the noise is terrifying. A small branch can sound like a 30ft tree hitting the roof.

Trying to get my mind off the sadness and depression due to the deaths of so many beloved pets, and the sheer terror of perhaps losing my truck, my mind wondered back to the old single wide trailer and the barn last night.

Had I tried to renovate it before moving it onto my land I'm convinced that I would have had a better chance to have been in a home, out of the weather, before the winter. Because that would have made it impossible for New Mexico Construction Industries to stop the work while the trailer was not on a permanent site. Yet in saying that I know that the help I had was very limited, and without help I am betwixt a rock and a hard place no matter which way I turn.

A few months ago a local businessman contacted me through the Ruidoso News and he advised me not to put any more money into the trailer. I am aware that the single wide is trashed. I could not have afforded it had it not been. Last year I drove Jesse crazy wanting to "stucco" the outside of the trailer because it looks so hideous. I am more than aware that it is rough enough to make anyone cringe. I never thought I would have even considered living in such, but when you are homeless, struggling to put your family back together, you become desperate enough to try anything to rectify the situation.

People simply don't realize how blessed they are to have a home. Until they don't have one.

I have a 30-35 year old single wide that was written off as salvage that John Boyd found and assured me that it could be renovated if I could come up with the funds. It has rotten floors, rotten walls. The windows were broken out. There is no plumbing nor electric wiring in it.

One living room wall has been replaced, along with the floor, and double glazed windows were installed. A new front door was installed. But then NM Construction Industries red tagged me and shut it down. It was shut down before it was weatherproof or waterproof, and once the permit was issued to allow me to start working on it again in November I no longer had any help to do so.

New bathroom cabinets, sink, toilet, brand new stove, lumber and a back door are sat inside the single wide along with a lot of 2x4's and 2x6's. I have not dared walk into that trailer since autumn because I just can't emotionally handle to stress of seeing the trailer sustain more damage due to the weather - damage that may not be repairable.

So last night and today my mind is back to trying to figure out ways to get everything put together. My head was simply spinning trying to figure out how to do what I have failed to do for almost 4 years. It's so stressful but it is, at least, taking my mind off the impending storm. And then there is the lottery, Lord bless me so I can have my family back together and bless so many people across this land.

We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true.~ Woodrow Wilson