What an awful night Saturday night was, and Sunday grew even worse. Even though the temperature wasn't as low as it should have been for this time of year I couldn't get warm all night, and the shivering cold kept me drifting in and out of sleep.. the worry just plagued me.By Sunday morning I was deathly ill. A throbbing migraine and sharp pains tightening my chest. I hurt about as severe as I have ever hurt. All night all kinds of things ran through my mind. I had tried several times to reach John without success, so I had no idea if we were going to be working on the trailer or not. My mother became the focus of my worry. That, and the endless list of losses and so little ground attained during a period that is almost incomprehensible.
Trying to get my mind off a "home" and seeing my mother again I put in a movie as a distraction. I couldn't have selected a worst one if I had tried. Without looking at the title I put in "Evening." A movie about a dying woman and her reflections upon life.
Now going into the 4th year of not seeing my mother, of not having a home, of not being able to have my grandchildren stay with me, and hopelessly struggling to get a home of any type just became an overbearing burden and I crumbled into a sobbing mess.
I try to go about the daily task of living one more day. I keep trying to have one iota of optimism. But inside I died a long time ago. I don't want to be here. This is simply going through the motion - but I don't want to be here.
I go over my life time and time again and I went on every wrong path any human being could go on. I had every opportunity in the world handed to me, and I wanted adventure. I wanted to go over the next hill and around the next bend. I had NO idea that I would turn 57 homeless, and unable to obtain a home, losing my health and losing all hope.
Heather and I both worked for the Flemings/Ansells when I managed North Aston Manor Stud handling field hunters, polo ponies, steeplechasers and Grand National prospects in Heythrop country near Oxford. When Heather and her husband left their home in Scotland and went to live in Canada for 2 years in September 2010 I asked her if she had any contact with Roddie Fleming or Mary Fleming. So, I went on a quest to contact Mary, Jeremy or Roddy.
Working for this extended family was like working in heaven. I remained with them until my oldest daughter was born. Some of the wealthiest people in the world, certainly some of the most renown, they are the kindest and most caring people - and the most humble - I have ever been blessed to know. It simply broke my heart when North Aston Manor was sold to the Aga Khan. I didn't want to leave. I made every excuse in the world to not leave. I cleaned harness and buggies that were heading to a museum. I cleaned dozens of saddles. I did everything I possibly could to stay one more day, hoping that the sale wouldn't go through and I could stay the rest of my life.
Heather went back to Scotland and went to work for Roddy & Mary's mother at the famous "Glen Eagles." It was a turning point in my life and America seemed as good a place as any to head to. Taffy, Jeremy, and Mary said that I would be "back home" within 6 months. That was 35 years ago. I returned to Cold Harbor Farm in 1982, as their guest, with two small children.
If I could do it all over again that is the point I would return to. I have no idea if the entire world has changed, or why it's changed. Perhaps the people in Britain no longer care about each other. But I seem to have made an awful mistake and one I cannot undo.
Trying to make a home on this land is tantamount to trying to cut an acre of hay with a pair of scissors. John never did turn up, and with so much pipe sat on the ground I am starting to wonder if we will ever get to use it to roof the barn.
The mere fact that I can't even get electricity or water on that property in going on 4 years is so bewildering and depressing I am having a hard time coping with everything.
Has the world changed so much that such a struggle is either mocked, ridiculed, lied about or ignored. I look back and see the kindest, compassionate, honorable and caring human beings. This is so alien to anything I was raised to believe or raised to be. When Heather told me that she and her family were moving to Canada I had an immediate reaction that I reined in before I spoke...
In my heart I so wanted to say, "If you have a fraction of what we had don't go, stay home in Scotland. Don't do anything so severe you can't undo it. You will never know the blessings you have. What I wouldn't give to go back to that turning point in my life at North Aston Manor."
After all that is said and done; after all of the hours of work; after all of the planning is a past memory; after all of the friends that you had, have, or ever will have are gone; after you are alone-and you come face to face with who you are in the quietness of your soul, and what little you have accomplished in your life- and discouragement overcomes to you when everything that you hoped or ever hope for comes to an end .. and you wonder was it worth it all?The temporary is just that.. temporary- but yet how many times has Satan blinded the human race, the church, you and I to believe that this is it- while we proclaim that this is not true, on Sundays, or when we gather together with other believers, but does it show in our actions, in our daily living, at home, at work, at school?.
Lord Forgive me... for my shortsightedness.. May You help me to see beyond this world, to catch a glimpse of eternity- to see the richness of Your glory, and yet the horror of eternity without You. - Hoosier
