The Path Less Travelled

John phoned me last night but it's become so clearly evident that he's not going to do as he say's that I kept far away from discussing anything to do with the barn, or trailer house least my hopes are raised again, only to plummet and send me into a deep depression. There is a time to stop accepting more disappointment that reduces me to tears and let it go. For me this past week-end was that time.

On Monday I found a local man, a welder, whose rates would have been do-able had it not been for the RIP announcement that landed on my truck yesterday. This has been a horrendously nasty game and I am so cold, ill and so exhausted.

In 2008, when the fact that I had hired an habitual criminal came to light I approached both the local police and the District Attorney's office under Scott Keys.

What I was told made my blood simply turn to ice. But the bottom line was, if I was to have any hope of getting the money back I was going to become an investigator myself - because I certainly wasn't going to get any help from the judicial system.

And for 9 months that is exactly what I did. I investigated, and I pulled up information neither the District Attorneys office nor, much later, the White Collar Crime investigators for the state of New Mexico could have had access to. I contacted states where Huckins had purchased businesses, and I contacted lawyers in Belgium, who contacted court Prefects. And all the time I was begging Huckins to finish the building of the house and barn he had started. Having to drive 17 miles one way every single day to my land, to monitor the progress. I thought it was the hardest time anyone could be forced into.....
But it was plain sailing alongside trying to get this property livable, even with a trailer set up and material to renovate it..

The weather forecast was 100% correct at a time I dearly wish they had been 100% wrong. A cold front came, and brought high winds and dropping temperatures. This has been a miserable night and the prospect that it will get better today doesn't look too good. It's always 10 degree's lower in this shed than it is outside, so I feel the difference - and quickly so. I suspect that the temperature is going to drop again tomorrow.

I was told by one of the mechanics not to drive my truck, or if I had no option, drive it only short distances. Seeing as it's my work horse and I have no option I am going to be praying to God and swimming for the shore today.

Yesterday while talking to a group of people I made a comment and I watched one persons eyes reflect a strong reaction. Like a light bulb going on. They FINALLY grasped the reality.

I am "homeless."

I'm not "camping out," not having an "outdoor experience," not electing to "rough it".. I am homeless. If I wasn't homeless I wouldn't be frantically trying to get a home put together.

I'm not trying to get a summer home together, or a winter ski home together, or a second home. This isn't a lovely little project I decided would be fun. I'm homeless.

Huckins promised that our new home would be finished before July of 2008, and when that didn't materialize I desperately worried about not being inside a home by the winter of 2008. And here I am in the winter of 2010.. in exactly the same position. I have found that people just don't seem to grasp this reality. Or they don't want to.

This afternoon I held an injured TB yearling for Jan at the Lazy J Running TB's & QH's while she doctored the filly, and I didn't want to leave that barn. This is my life, my work, my employment. I eat, drink and sleep family and horses. I have no other vices but my passion for that I love. And my life has gone to hell in a hand basket because I am, plain and simple, homeless.

On the bright side the Novembers restitution payment from Huckins, $450, arrived this afternoon at my daughters mail box. To which I say HALLELUJAH! Now how long will it take him to pay off the $79,460.04 building fund he STILL owes us?

Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration. ~Charles Dickens

A Band Aid For A Severed Artery

A mechanic in Capitan, Andy's, offered to put my Ford350 on the computer to find out what is wrong with it. I am so thankful for that wonderful gesture because all wanted to charge me to tell me what the truck needed.

Mike and I drove it to Capitan today to get a diagnosis. I prayed that it was going to be something minor that I can handle. But it wasn't going to be so. I felt very comfortable with these two mechanics.. they were honest to a fault and it didn't take long to see why they came highly recommended by everyone I had spoken to in the local horse and ranch industry.

It will take a minimum of $800 to keep it running, and $1,800 to do the job correctly, which means replacing all the lifters. But with 144,000 miles on the motor there is no telling what will go wrong - NEXT.

Mike had asked what it would cost to have transmission work done on his Dodge, thinking I could register and insure it and it could be a truck for me to just "get by with".. but they thought that repair cost was going to be in the $2,500 range. Mike bite his lip. I wanted to bite both of my lips off.

I'm pretty disheartened about the whole mess, primarily because I have been putting every single dime I earn into the trailer house and I left myself in a precarious position of having to jump out of a plane without a parachute.

While stood talking to the mechanics I looked at Mike and said, "Oh God, I have no vehicle." He smiled and said, "Well, you have a vehicle but you need to start looking for a truck to replace it QUICK."

Quick.. with WHAT money? I'm still trying to figure out how to get the funds to buy two temporary poles so I can have the rare and exceptional luxury of having light, heat and water in my trailer home on my property.

We will take the Ford350 back Monday morning and see if we can throw a band-aid on it. As I drove back from Capitan I remembered the flowery speech the criminal defense attorney for Robert Huckins gave during the sentencing in the spring of 2010.

"But he drives an old vehicle" the attorney cried defending his client.

Well, I drive an old vehicle but I sure as heck don't have stolen money stashed away that could cushion the fall when you need a newer vehicle, and is destroying the lives of the people whose money it is.

November 23rd and there isn't a dime in sight from Robert Huckins. Maybe I should send HIM the mechanic bill, seeing as he's got our money.

It was incredibly cold this morning and due to get a whole lot colder by Thanksgiving, when snow is in the forecast. But by 10 am the weather was simply glorious, so sunny, clear skies and so inviting. The drive to and from Capitan with the windows down felt good.

The chest of drawers has been half way painted "Hunter Green" but I'm unsure that the weather will get warm enough today to finish it. I doubt that I'm going to have the ability to stay away from that project. There is nothing worse than a woman and a paintbrush when it comes to "impatience."

It's strange how you desperately keep trying to put your life back together again even if it's only painting.

Sinning wouldn't be so popular if it's wages were paid immediately.

Gone Insane, Be Back Soon...

John never arrived and I couldn't get hold of him despite my phoning almost none stop. Right after noon yesterday I started with a lousy migraine that just got worse as the day went by. I fell asleep before 5.30 pm, but woke up in the middle of the night deathly ill. So ill each time one of the dogs moved I screamed at them to lay still, not rock the boat anymore than it was rocking already. The whole world was spinning around me, my vision already gone, sick to my stomach and I was so cold I couldn't stop shivering as the wind blew right through this metal shed.

The truck had broken down multiple times going to Ruidoso and coming back yesterday, and the fear that it was going to break down and leave me stranded was a real possibility. I just felt like my last nerve was unraveling and trying to do "the right thing" seemed impossible.

Had I been able to put a roof on the barn and start to renovate the building a bit at a time to make it into a house 2+ years ago, I would have done so. If I could have sold this bloody land and recouped some of the money I would have done so. Had I been able to renovate this old trailer, or any old building before winter I would have done so. I have tried EVERYTHING without any success - and it's worn me down to nothing.

My finances can only go in one direction. I either sink all of my money into building a home, or I sink all of my money into maintaining & repairing my vehicle, and having a standard of life worth living. I can't financially do both. A building project is simply NOT in my present budget. And you can't have stability without a home or without a vehicle - so I'm stuck betwixt the devil and the deep blue sea.

Thus far I have managed to neglect everything so that I can put every dime into a home and the end result is half a vehicle and half a house, neither doing me any good and both causing so much worry it's making me ill. I can't handle losing my truck when I'm homeless. It would be the straw that broke the camels back.

Everything I think IS logical in theory, in what is nothing short of a deplorable situation, is turning into one fiasco after another in practice. John told me that it would cost $600 to put the roof up over the 2,000 sq foot barn if he was allowed to put up a pipe roof, so I purchased $600 worth of pipe. I already have the material on the ground waiting to be used. If I get the barn roof up I can put all my belongings into a dry barn instead of having it scattered all over, and being ruined.
Getting that barn roof up is turning into a bloody nightmare.

I was told that it would take a matter of days to renovate the trailer. 5 months later it only has 2 windows replaced.

My oldest daughter and I discussed the recession and how people are hurting in this county. She mentioned one person whose father had died last week and she didn't have the money to travel to him before he passed away, and horrified I asked "Why didn't someone say something?" I don't have anything but the money to put the roof on the trailer, but I would have gladly paid the airfare in such a situation.
Then she told me about a man who had lost his hand in an accident last week, and had no insurance. His wife can't drive and he is the sole provider. I sat exasperated asking how we could get together and help his family through this holiday season.

I felt so helpless being in such a ludicrous position myself.

I thought I could settle in knowing that I was going to face a rough winter and use that time to try to write fiction - alien territory for me - but it's real hard to think when you are cold, worried and ill. Yet I keep struggling trying to put everything together again, trying to get the barn roof on, the trailer renovated, trying to "fix" a broken life that doesn't seem impossible to fix . But it's impossible for me.

Mike intended to head to the property tomorrow and do something - anything - just to keep the work progressing along but Mike has no building experience. Instead I have asked if he would help me find a good diesel mechanic and see what is wrong with the truck and how much it's going to cost to repair.

And here we are on the 22nd of November and the Novembers payment from Robert Huckins still has not arrived...

Life should never be this much fun. So much for American justice. I will repeat what I have said from day one. If Robert Huckins is not going to repay the $82,200 in it's entirety, in one lump sum so that I can have a home and my life can return to normal, instead of this inhumanity being allowed to continue...PUT THIS MAN IN JAIL WHERE HE BELONGS!

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.

High Winds, Low Spirits...

I have not heard from John and he hasn't returned my phone messages. This is getting awfully tiring. The weather is not suitable to weld anything today.. the gusts of wind only show 5-10 mph gusts but it's getting worse as each hour passes, but we have so much material we could use other than welding.

Severe storm warnings, including from 1ft to 4ft snow was forecast yesterday, but I hope that remains in Northern New Mexico and Southern Colorado.

Yesterday I finished painting the tack boxes well before the wind started up. I still have the bottoms to paint but the exterior and interior are finished. At the dumpster I found an awesome little old oak chest of drawers that will be great for the breezeway in the barn. Seeing it's already painted with enamel paint it won't take long to re-paint it to match it up with the two tack boxes and I will have 3 drawers in which to keep leg bandages, leg wraps, over-reach boots and clippers etc.
I thought it was a treasure of a find.

My oldest daughter and I sat talking about the e-mail sent through the Methodist Church early this morning. She told me not to let it keep upsetting me so, but it does. Then we discussed the lies people tell and if not so damaging how ludicrous it all would be.

We managed to laugh about the idiocy, and question why it's always easier for people to lie than ask, straight out, what the facts are. What an awful world we live in.

Two of my children are involved in emergency services, one is a school teacher. These are the very people society depends upon to save lives and guide the next generation. When a home sets on fire, or when a wildfire threatens the community, when someone has a heart attack or is involved in a nasty accident it's highly likely that the victims will meet one if not two of my children.

I'm extremely proud of them. They have all the qualities we need in human beings to make them humane, caring, compassionate, honest and honorable. They are an asset to their community. Yet when I read that e-mail to my oldest daughter her mouth dropped open with disbelief. Perhaps I should be able to see the humor in it.. today I said that it's certainly easier to lie than help. If you lie enough you can justify not helping.

But here I am 9 months later and the words said in that e-mail, totally fabricated deception, still cut deep into my heart, still hurt me just as much as the day I read them, and still keep me awake at night fretting.When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall -- think of it, always.~Mohandas K. Gandhi

Another Day Another Dollar... Or Not...

I woke up at 3.30 am with a violent migraine, and freezing cold, the tumors in my spine hurting me so much I could barely get out of bed. This metal shed is so small I don't have the room to walk around or have any creature comforts so I grabbed some pain killers and curled up into a ball in bed trying to let the pain killers take effect.While I laid there it dawned on me that if this was happening to a convicted felon, like Robert Huckins, the ACLU would be raising hell calling it cruel and unusual punishment. Screaming about "inhumane" treatment. This is such a strange country, and an incredibly unjust country.

Two years ago I received a phone call from one of the members of the Huckins family who had seen my phone number in a newspaper article. It was a phone call that left an indelible mark, and one that was repeated to the District Attorney's office. The intention was to persuade me, and the DA's office, that all of the Huckins family had been victims of Robert & Sylvi Huckins, and one comment was made that put a bur under my saddle. That Robert Huckins had "stolen far more from family members than he had from clients."

It simply stunned me. The word "homeless" didn't have one ounce of meaning to that Huckins family member, or maybe they didn't truly understand the realistic ramifications. The severity of the damage wasn't even relevant because their financial losses was going to supersede any hurt and devastation others had to deal with. Even if it was total destruction. The fact that the phone call came right after Robert Huckins had been arrested for the THIRD time, and that not one family member had tried to stop him prior to this, wasn't something I missed. It's easier to claim to be a victim than be viewed as a potential accomplice. But I'll never know the truth, and without truth everything is up for speculation.

Months before I sat talking with Ted Conley and his words ring true today. He said, "People will say that it's sad but they don't care.. don't expect caring." I laughed at him because I couldn't imagine such being a reality, but I'm not laughing anymore. But if you are not one of the dozens of victims it's easy to laugh about a criminal who spent a decade thieving and was never stopped.
I have not heard from John, and can't get a response to my phone messages, so I have no idea if he is coming to Ruidoso today, or tomorrow. The weather was fabulous yesterday afternoon, reaching the 60's and so sunny, but we have a cold front coming in bringing high winds. This is simply nerve wrecking. High winds would potentially stop any work that we could get done in the very short time John is here, and the situation went way past desperation 2-3 years ago. I spoke to Jesse who is tied up working for the next 2 weeks. Someone having work at this time of year, in this economy, is such a blessing you can't help but be pleased for him.

As of the 19th of November the payment from Robert Huckins has not arrived. But that doesn't shock me any. It may come today, or next week.. it may not come at all. I found 8 windows for the trailer but the total cost was $420, more money than I could afford at this time. Slightly less than the monthly payment due. It almost makes you want to sit down and cry.

This is so wrong on every moral platform. Beyond abuse and human rights violations. I don't care who you are there is simply no way any civilized nation can justify this nonsense. I am too ill to NOT be frustrated today, yet I desperately seek the faith to not get emotional about everything.In life, unlike chess, the game continues after "check mate." - Isaac Asimov

Life On The Edge....

Yesterday evening I spoke to John, who says that he is coming to Ruidoso with the welder this week-end. Seeing as he cannot work on the trailer until we get a roof on it, and we need to use the material we already have on hand, we are going to start putting in the pipe framework for the barn roof. Today I need to buy enough concrete to set the pipe, but with the scheduled monthly payments from Robert Huckins being so low it's really putting me on an unworkable budget. I am biting my lips with worry and frustration.
I have not heard a word from Jesse so I'm not too sure what is happening with the trailer roof..perhaps Mike will help him when he surfaces, which will probably be after Thanksgiving.

Most days I go shopping for my boss, it may only be a few items, or a considerable amount. I keep a close eye on what needs are needing to be met, especially when it comes to people fighting life jeopardizing illnesses. A few weeks ago I noticed a flier about one little boy near Carlsbad who needs an operation to save his life, and I phoned the number given to ask if the fund raisers could put out donation cans to make giving easier.
No-one cannot do without prayers, but God has asked us to give, and I have found it somewhat easy to get a regular schedule of giving in place. I don't care who you are, or what your circumstances are, you simply cannot turn away from a child. I can't.

But when one starts to look at the number of children who need the support of a community to have a memorable Christmas it becomes a bit overwhelming. It's especially stressful because I need to focus on putting a roof over my head, getting into a home.
I walked into the school with an electric Christmas train for my daughter and watched the kids eyes light up and go as round as saucers, and wondered how many would have a Christmas this year. Just looking at their faces.. and it was a done deal.

I phoned both daughters to find out what the grandchildren wanted. 5 grand-children seem like 50 at Christmas, but we really get together and plan carefully to make sure that all needs are met - and they always have been. Then I drove to the Lazy J Running TB's & QH's and discussed the trail rides with Jan wondering if it was going to be possible to get a fund raising trail ride going quickly. Mike will be collecting money for Toys For Tots and TR's have made it possible to donate on a regular basis to Toys For Tots. Pete & Cheryl collect toys for children in need at the Alto Cafe. There are so many depending on people to just... well, give financial support.

I know that even with the stress of trying to finance my trailer my eyes are going to go towards the children who may have needs.. my eyes follow my heart, and it's impossible for me to be anyone but myself. Maybe I'll have to delay buying 50% of the material Jesse needs but.. oh, well.. what is one more delay after the delays I have already experienced.

I spent hours looking for two items for my boss. A special pan for poaching eggs and a nut cracker. I must have gone to every single store in Lincoln County looking for two items without success. How can you NOT find a poaching pan in Lincoln County?
My last stop was the health food store, who advised me to go to "Hearts Delight" in mid-town. I was thrilled to find both items, super quality items, in a store that really is the hearts delight. It was fabulous in there.

Locals rarely go shopping in mid-town. I can't even remember the last time I went shopping in mid-town for myself. I don't think I ever have. But I could have spent hours inside "Hearts Delight." What a smashing store. For people, like myself, who love to cook and bake, whose kitchens are a special place of warmth, this store is heaven on earth.

Oh, to have a home and have a nice kitchen.

I suddenly became overwhelmed with homesickness for my own home, my own kitchen. The smell of roasts and baking. Years past. It all seems long ago and far away.. far out of my reach. I almost started crying when I got back in my truck, fearing that I would never see "normal" again. I really had to fight the tears all the way back to Alto.

Prayerfully we can get something constructive done this week-end, when the weather is supposed to be a whole lot warmer than we have experienced this past week. That thought gives me some hope on a bitter cold morning.

The judge is condemned when the criminal is absolved. -Publilius Syrus

Baby It's Cold Outside...

I'm singing "Baby it's cold outside" during the night and sleep really isn't coming easy. Tuesday night a wind storm almost blew the metal siding off this garden shed. Last night the temperature felt like the Antarctic and I spent most of the night wide awake trying to warm my feet.
Rio & Copper are diligently trying to do their job of trying to keep me warm, which is a blessing because the Bassel-Haggens & arthritis hurts too much for me to have a lot of heavy blankets over me. The most amazing thing is watching the dogs come as close to me as possible, and actually watch over me. Dogs know. They have such a strong desire to protect.

The application for the building permit was returned to me, because I forgot to put postage on the envelope. The fact that I would have thrown an envelope into the mailbox without postage isn't such a surprise ... the gray matter is frozen. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

I have not even been anywhere close to my property this week. I listened to the wind Tuesday night and I wondered how the trailer and metal roof could handle such powerful gusts. Fearing that the wind had blown into the trailer and caused further damage, or scattered the heavy roofing metal, I just couldn't bring myself to go for a look-see and face potential damage.
Right now I'm unsure that I could handle a heavy clean up job, physically or emotionally.

Other than that absolutely nothing is happening... and it's happening at the speed of a sloth on Librium.

This is such a strange situation to get caught up in. I try with a great deal of effort to remain upbeat and optimistic but I don't always manage it, and I can become downright angry and frustrated.

This is America, who would have ever guessed that such blatant injustices would be acceptable let alone tolerated without any embarrassment or shame. I still have not seen a dime of the $450+ due on or before the 10th of November but that doesn't mean that it wasn't paid and hasn't been delayed.

The wheels of American justice don't just turn slowly.. they are way off track.

But I just keep trying to get through this winter with the hope and prayer that something turns around, yet I can't deny that this is wearing on me.Where crime is taught from early years, it becomes a part of nature.- Ovid

Hurry Up And Wait...

Yesterday was such a busy but bitter cold day I think I remained shell shocked from dawn to dusk. The wind was simply insane. I keep having to remind myself that spring is just around the corner. A few more weeks and it will be here....
Trying to keep warm is almost like a full time job. If you remain cold through the night you simply can't warm up in the day, and I know that I am blessed with an incredibly mild winter and today was simply glorious. I am getting too old for this extreme outdoors business. This is a young persons game. The weatherman said that this is the last week of this cold spell and by week-end, if not before, we will return to the unseasonably warm winter I was so enjoying.. to which I say Hallelujah!

The tack boxes look fabulous despite the craziness of painting them in inclement weather. Perhaps today it will become warm enough to put on the second coat without the Rust-Oleum going on like glue.

I spent all of yesterday evening trying to find electric poles. What are called "temporary" poles so I can get electricity to the land. You would think they would be easy to find but I have had no joy finding any that I can afford on my limited budget.

I've always been curious as to how all these builders, starting with Robert Huckins, intended to build without electricity. It's always perplexed me a great deal. But all my attempts to find affordable temporary poles have just been an exercise in frustration.
I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that didn't work. - Thomas Edison.

Land Of Mañana

John phoned around 9am to tell me that he wasn't going to be coming to Ruidoso today. He was going to check the tires on the welding trailer and be out next week to start putting the roof on the barn. I think he said that he was going to church in Texas but I must have been hearing things.. prayerfully not.

There was no reason for me to become depressed, but throughout the day I grew more and more sad. Maybe a combination of fighting a bad migraine, pain from the MHE and fighting the desire to DO something constructive.

Trying to put a second coat of paint on the tack boxes became unfruitful. It was like trying to paint with Elmers glue.

Even though the temperature seems to be the same as yesterday the wind chill is a whole different matter altogether. This was one very cold day. By 10 am I had tried everything possible to warm my freezing feet, and ended up putting them in hot water just to "thaw them out" - and kept repeating the process all day. This is the very first time I have been "that" cold yet the temperature outside should not have dropped below 45 degrees all day.

Plugging the truck in last night was a fiasco and a half. I finally found a way to reach the plug on my truck and plugged it into the electric extension. But when I plugged it into the power source in the shed it blew the circuit. The main box is in the garage attached to my bosses house.

I went and re-set the main, plugged it in again. And it blew the circuit. Back and forth I went through the house while my boss sat watching television with a perplexed look on his face. By the 5th time I simply unplugged the extension cord and pulled it towards the house, plugging it into the washing machine plug.
Problem solved. No more blown circuits.

On the bright side I found enough "finished" wooden floor to do the small kitchen nook and the kitchen in the trailer. I had somewhat worried about what to put on the floor. When you work with animals the area that gets the most traffic takes a lot of punishment, yet I needed something "classy" but long and hard wearing.
So I was just tickled pink to have found the perfect flooring for those area's, at a reasonable price..

Isn't there a country and western song about someone who put's together a truck one piece at a time? We seem to be doing one step better by trying to put a HOME together.... one piece at a time!

I LOVE to cook and I love to bake. For years I baked 3-4 cakes a week. Sometimes more. My kitchen has always been the place where the entire family gathered. In years gone by my youngest daughter and her husband could smell dinner being made from 7 miles down the road. It was a standing joke that we should set enough places because the very second we were ready to sit down to eat they would walk through the door.

I miss those days, I miss having my family in my home. It's been a real sad day.

“In the childhood memories there's a large kitchen, a warm stove, a simmering pot and a mom.” - Barbara Costikyan

I'll Be Home For Christmas.. ( Not ) ....

I will have to admit that I love snow. It's the most comforting feeling in the world to sit in your home drinking a hot drink, watching the snow fall. But when you don't have a home, and can't turn up the heat... well ... snow isn't exactly a welcome visitor. So when the weather man said, "slight chance of snow" my heart fell into my stomach.

The temperature dropped so fast yesterday afternoon that it was in the lower 20's before 6 pm and my feet were so cold I couldn't get them warm. The pneumonia that came some weeks ago started up in earnest and by mid afternoon I was having a hard time breathing. I struggled under my truck for an hour trying to plug my diesel truck into a power source, but couldn't reach the plug. I ended up putting blankets over the bonnet and in front of the radiator. Today I will try to find a way to get that plug within reach. It was 15 degree's when I woke up.

15 degree's should be against the law.

I just cannot believe the stress and hard work it's taken throughout 2010 to get into a home before this type of weather materialized. And how futile it has been. This is so surreal, simply surreal.

Time just goes so fast. I never realized how quickly it goes until I hired Robert Huckins to build a 2,000 sq foot horse barn and 1,700 sq foot home in December of 2007. This experience has brought home to me that you blink and a month has gone past.. every hold up, every delay becomes critical to the outcome, to survival.

I finally reached John but I have no idea if he is coming to Ruidoso or not. He's needing another $600 worth of material for the barn roof. I wish I knew how to replace the broken windows and get the two roof's on the buildings myself because I would probably try to get it done if I knew how. But I don't have a clue how to do it, nor do I know how to do the electrical or plumbing.
I get so frustrated.

Robert Huckins was scheduled to pay yet another $450 payment on or before the 10th of November, but there is no telling if he did or when I will receive it. He will then owe me $79,000 or thereabout. What a joke.
I told Judge Ritter that I was not going to die trying to retrieve my money, and a home, from Robert Huckins as Dorothy McKeever did. But I'm starting to question my own statement. Perhaps I severely over estimated my determination, my own efforts.

The next $450 payment is going towards the 70 2x6's Jesse needed for the roof of the trailer, but I still have not come up a flatbed trailer large enough to transport the used commercial metal from Don Spencer and bring it from Carrizozo.
I spent so much money on the building material John said he needed that I'm terrified of buying anything else until I know that there is someone available to use the material.

I wish I could push Christmas further away from me..

By noon the weather turned simply glorious, 52 degrees with a full sun and I eagerly started working outside so pleased to have the sunshine on my body. I decided to paint 2 tack boxes dark green, with enamel paint. By the time I had the first coat on both tack boxes the sun was started to fade and it dawned on me that 52 degrees may feel terribly warm to me, but it's still pitiful painting weather. Thank God they are only tack boxes.

Two years ago we had a local homeless man who always walked the roads with a dog or two. He was a veteran, and clearly had some problems.
One day he was stood opposite Farleys when I stopped at the fast food restaurant. I asked the employee serving me to add anything he wanted to our bill, then sat outside with him while he ate a catfish dinner. He offered me a tattered New Testament bible in return and I smiled and pulled my KJV off the dashboard of my truck.
"Oh, YOU are one of US" he laughed. I'm confident that he meant "Christian" never knowing that I was homeless too!

I know what homelessness is. I know what hopelessness feels like. I know what it's like to be so cold that you feel that your body will never warm again. I know what it's like to look at homes radiating warmth and security around me and pass people who, quite frankly, don't give a damned. I know what depression, hurt, alienation, ignorance, sadness feels like. I know what it's like to miss my mum, want my grand-children to visit me, need the stability of a home.

But I don't know what it's like to be hungry.

There are times when I try to combine all of my feelings, and add the horror of hunger on top. But I can't, because I have more food at my fingertips than I could ever need. Yet I try. I try because I care. I care because I have seen, with my own eyes and felt with my own heart how people speak to you and about you when you put "homeless" within your title. Dehumanizing you. I try because circumstances have made me look towards a growing populous of "invisible" human beings and I rather suspect that it's going to grow much larger before this recession is all over.

Do YOU know what it's like to not have a home? Do YOU know what it's like to not eat in days because there is no food? If you don't know how are you going to connect with those who don't have?

In the bleak midwinter Frosty wind made moan, Earth stood hard as iron, Water like a stone; Snow had fallen, snow on snow, Snow on snow, In the bleak midwinter, Long ago. - Christina Rossetti. English poet (1830 - 1894)

Merle Haggard Move Over Darlin'

If it's too cold to sleep at night I feel as though I should start writing country and western songs. I could probably re-write many Merle Haggard favorites just for the Huckin family..

*
I'm walking the floor because of you,
can't sleep a wink it is true..
I'm freezing while you are in a home,
but I'm not freezing all alone,
Rio and I are walking the floor over you..

( Yes, I know that it's an Ernest Tubb song, but I'm the right age to remember the Merle Haggard version. )

*
Silver wings
Shining in the sunlight
Roaring engines
Headed somewhere in flight
It's taking my money away
And leaving me homeless
Silver wings
Slowly fading out of sight

*
I used to laugh a lot
I never cried
But things are all different now
Since you made my home go bye
Seems I've lost the way to find
All the good times I found before
Yeah, I used to laugh a lot
Things aren't funny anymore

I am so glad that God blessed me with a sense of humor. I certainly need it.

By mid-day the sky was so crystal blue, so sunny that you couldn't help but be drawn to the outside. Yet once outside the cold seeped through your skin right to the bones. I phoned John to see if he intended to do any work on the trailer this week-end, but couldn't get a response.

I'd welcome a long distance drive right now just to be able to stay warm inside a moving vehicle, but the oil dripping out of my truck is worrying me no end so driving has became a fearful proposition even for short trips.
I only have so much to spend and it seems between the house and cost of living I am extended beyond the capability of large mechanical repairs. Beyond 4 new tires to be honest.

Just maybe the lottery tickets I purchased for my boss this morning will hit the jackpot, there again, maybe I have as much chance of getting the building fund back from the Huckins as I do of winning the lottery..

Back to writing and re-writing country and western songs I guess...

“True country music is honesty, sincerity, and real life to the hilt.”- Garth Brooks

Veterans Day

Waking up at 3am freezing cold is starting to wear on me. I'm unsure what happened to that "dry, warm" winter forecast. We went from unseasonably warm to unseasonably cold overnight.

I'm a little scared to phone John to see if he is coming to Ruidoso to help work on the trailer this week-end. The emotional roller coaster is difficult and when I can't get help it sends me into a spiral of depression.

One of the people who refused to loan me a small tractor to put the soil back onto the concrete footings of the barn telephoned me yesterday to ask if I would look after their horse ranch so they could go on vacations. I don't know why such makes me smile.. but it does. I'm confident that they couldn't see the irony, and just as confident that they meant no harm.. but, well sometimes the ironies of life do make one smile.

The alfalfa has attracted the deer, and the fawns are simply delighted with the soft mineral deer blocks. My fear that Rio and Copper would go into hunt mode didn't happen. Of course Rio had to test the water but soon found an angry doe not to her liking.
Smart girl.






To all of the military members, past, present and future, who protect their countries with selfless patriotism. I thank you, your family and loved ones.

New Mexico Should Weep...........

The frigid cold woke me up at 3 am this morning and nothing I could do allowed me to go back to sleep. This has to be the coldest morning this winter, well into the early teens, and my body was aching with uncontrollable shivering. Both dogs were eager to go outside and just as eager to come back and crawl under blankets trying to seek warmth.

14% of the children in New Mexico are homeless. That figure should make us hang our head in shame. 1% should be considered atrocious. When Katrina hit and the southern part of the United States was inundated with the families made homeless by the flooding I offered my 3 bedroom home in Alto to any family with children, because their need was far more important than my need. Those children needed beds, not cots, and they needed family, not sports centers. I felt that if I gave one family a home until they got on their feet it was a logical course of action.

Then something really strange happened. Some of the residents in Lincoln County didn't want people from the Katrina hit region to move here, and a meeting was held because the mere thought that these poor people would land in Ruidoso was causing knickers to get into a twist.

Shortly after I went to Arizona to sell 100 APHA horses, and the short block in my truck cracked en route. So I left the truck at a garage to be repaired, came home and returned to Flagstaff to get my truck via greyhound bus.
At the bus station in Alamogordo I met a gentleman from New Orleans, the father of several children one whom was blind, who had lost his home in the flooding. His conversation was most interesting. And simply infuriated me.

Despite begging for help, despite putting ad's in the Thrifty Nickle seeking the donations of beds for the children, no-one beyond the blind school staff had come forth to help them. We sat and talked for over an hour, his story touching me beyond words. I offered to give him my home, but he needed to be close to the school for the blind his son attended.

Years later I attended a bail hearing for Robert Huckins. Patricia Huckins arrived with a minister from the Ruidoso Episcopal Church. Clearly a new "Father" to the region because while waiting for the hearing to start he was discussing his new "home." I asked him if he had a spare bedroom because it seemed that the Huckins family - the very people he was there in the court room to support - had our building fund safely hidden and unless someone made them reveal where they had hide our $82,000 I was facing a serious dilemma.

Was he going to offer help? Was he going to say anything that showed Christ within? No, he stammered and turned red, but wasn't going to discuss the horrendous consequences of this criminal act with a victim of crime. He was there to support the thieves.

If you think that children miss this apathy, this lack of interest and caring you are sadly mistaken. They see it very clearly. Even those who have no sight.

It makes my blood boil to see so many second and third homes and foreclosed properties sat vacant when I listen to news reports that children are homeless. It angers me no end to see convicted felons who have been raised to have NO moral compass steal life savings yet have their homes protected by the very law makers who can't protect the victims. But I have a right to feel that way because I wake up shivering from cold so I can understand the sheer helplessness a child must feel when the whole world has abandoned them, when they have commit no crime and done no wrong, yet those who claim Christ turn away from their plight. No civilized society should allow 14% of their children to be homeless. Lord have mercy upon our cold heartless souls.

“Then the King will say to those on the right, `Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.' Then these righteous ones will reply, `Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?' And the King will tell them, `I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'” (Matthew 25:34-40).

On A Wing And A Prayer

Sometimes the weather sounds far worse than it really is, and last night the wind seemed to be pulling this building apart even though the temperature actually got a whole lot warmer. Almost 50 degree's by 7am instead of the usual 25 degrees is a considerable difference.
We seem to be at the western edge of a wind storm heading east, and the gusts are only being recorded as 25-50 mph, so perhaps California is slowly blowing through New Mexico.

I am praying that the barn and house roof won't blow away for the winds are far more ferocious near Nogal than they are here in Alto. If my hopes and dreams are on a wing and a prayer they may have found their way to the eastern seaboard by now.

My boss wanted me to bring in alfalfa for the deer, but I was unsure that I could handle 2 hunting dogs and the normal 200-400 mule deer we have on his property during the winter. And I'm not too sure if the number of deer who winter here will not cause more drama from the backhoe woman who thrives on manufactured drama and condemnation towards anyone in her path. Doing the normal isn't possible when someone is ready to pounce and create havoc.
Still, voicing objections for the sake of peace and quiet, I hauled in hay and deer blocks, cleaned the water trough and waited to see what would happen next.

I miss Oscar. He loved the winter months when the deer would come in to feed. In my minds eye I see him everywhere. His loss has been an awful loss to handle that has haunted me.

With Christmas so close I have to try and find a way to focus on getting through this holiday season.

If the wind will not serve, take to the oars. ~Latin Proverb

Blinded By The Temporary...

What an awful night Saturday night was, and Sunday grew even worse. Even though the temperature wasn't as low as it should have been for this time of year I couldn't get warm all night, and the shivering cold kept me drifting in and out of sleep.. the worry just plagued me.

By Sunday morning I was deathly ill. A throbbing migraine and sharp pains tightening my chest. I hurt about as severe as I have ever hurt. All night all kinds of things ran through my mind. I had tried several times to reach John without success, so I had no idea if we were going to be working on the trailer or not. My mother became the focus of my worry. That, and the endless list of losses and so little ground attained during a period that is almost incomprehensible.

Trying to get my mind off a "home" and seeing my mother again I put in a movie as a distraction. I couldn't have selected a worst one if I had tried. Without looking at the title I put in "Evening." A movie about a dying woman and her reflections upon life.

Now going into the 4th year of not seeing my mother, of not having a home, of not being able to have my grandchildren stay with me, and hopelessly struggling to get a home of any type just became an overbearing burden and I crumbled into a sobbing mess.

I try to go about the daily task of living one more day. I keep trying to have one iota of optimism. But inside I died a long time ago. I don't want to be here. This is simply going through the motion - but I don't want to be here.

I go over my life time and time again and I went on every wrong path any human being could go on. I had every opportunity in the world handed to me, and I wanted adventure. I wanted to go over the next hill and around the next bend. I had NO idea that I would turn 57 homeless, and unable to obtain a home, losing my health and losing all hope.

Heather and I both worked for the Flemings/Ansells when I managed North Aston Manor Stud handling field hunters, polo ponies, steeplechasers and Grand National prospects in Heythrop country near Oxford. When Heather and her husband left their home in Scotland and went to live in Canada for 2 years in September 2010 I asked her if she had any contact with Roddie Fleming or Mary Fleming. So, I went on a quest to contact Mary, Jeremy or Roddy.

Working for this extended family was like working in heaven. I remained with them until my oldest daughter was born. Some of the wealthiest people in the world, certainly some of the most renown, they are the kindest and most caring people - and the most humble - I have ever been blessed to know. It simply broke my heart when North Aston Manor was sold to the Aga Khan. I didn't want to leave. I made every excuse in the world to not leave. I cleaned harness and buggies that were heading to a museum. I cleaned dozens of saddles. I did everything I possibly could to stay one more day, hoping that the sale wouldn't go through and I could stay the rest of my life.

Heather went back to Scotland and went to work for Roddy & Mary's mother at the famous "Glen Eagles." It was a turning point in my life and America seemed as good a place as any to head to. Taffy, Jeremy, and Mary said that I would be "back home" within 6 months. That was 35 years ago. I returned to Cold Harbor Farm in 1982, as their guest, with two small children.
If I could do it all over again that is the point I would return to. I have no idea if the entire world has changed, or why it's changed. Perhaps the people in Britain no longer care about each other. But I seem to have made an awful mistake and one I cannot undo.

Trying to make a home on this land is tantamount to trying to cut an acre of hay with a pair of scissors. John never did turn up, and with so much pipe sat on the ground I am starting to wonder if we will ever get to use it to roof the barn.

The mere fact that I can't even get electricity or water on that property in going on 4 years is so bewildering and depressing I am having a hard time coping with everything.

Has the world changed so much that such a struggle is either mocked, ridiculed, lied about or ignored. I look back and see the kindest, compassionate, honorable and caring human beings. This is so alien to anything I was raised to believe or raised to be. When Heather told me that she and her family were moving to Canada I had an immediate reaction that I reined in before I spoke...
In my heart I so wanted to say, "If you have a fraction of what we had don't go, stay home in Scotland. Don't do anything so severe you can't undo it. You will never know the blessings you have. What I wouldn't give to go back to that turning point in my life at North Aston Manor."
After all that is said and done; after all of the hours of work; after all of the planning is a past memory; after all of the friends that you had, have, or ever will have are gone; after you are alone-and you come face to face with who you are in the quietness of your soul, and what little you have accomplished in your life- and discouragement overcomes to you when everything that you hoped or ever hope for comes to an end .. and you wonder was it worth it all?

The temporary is just that.. temporary- but yet how many times has Satan blinded the human race, the church, you and I to believe that this is it- while we proclaim that this is not true, on Sundays, or when we gather together with other believers, but does it show in our actions, in our daily living, at home, at work, at school?.

Lord Forgive me... for my shortsightedness.. May You help me to see beyond this world, to catch a glimpse of eternity- to see the richness of Your glory, and yet the horror of eternity without You. - Hoosier

Breeders Cup.. Thoroughbreds: The "Jewels" Of The Horse Kingdom

During the night the weather is simply freezing, well dropping below 25 degree's. But the days are simply gorgeous. 60, sunny and comfortable. The tree's are brilliant golds, yellows and browns.

This is the Breeders Cup week-end. As a horsewoman who adores Thoroughbreds it simply pains me to see them race. It makes my heart sing when I hear the words, "He/She doesn't want to run." Going to the backstretch to pick up horses who have managed to come away from a race career sound in wind, limb and mind is a thrilling experience. When they are broken down you want to literally sit and cry. But no matter what, I believe that these regal animals deserve a chance to live a long life, to be loved, and cared for. They have been bred to be loyal with hearts as big as the outdoors. They are bred to give, and give in abundance. Thoroughbreds are the "Jewels" of the horse kingdom!
The fact that "Rough Sailing" had to be euthanized after a nasty fall didn't lessen my distaste for the sport of kings.

But once in a while you see a trainer who epitomizes the dogmatic determination of horsemen and woman and Carl O'Callaghan has certainly done that in fine fettle.

My ad. on Craigslist, the one that obviously caused the backhoe woman such upset, was taken down. I kept watching it wondering how long it would take for it to be flagged .. and almost died laughing when it disappeared.
Print kept using the phrase "control freak." But when someone has to manipulate and control everyone around them and can't stop, when any resistance to this level of control and domination means that you are now going to be destroyed by their viciousness, there is something seriously wrong.
I am so glad that I am a horse trainer and not a psychiatrist or psychologist because this one would take Sigmund Freud to understand.

When the *Dish tv company arrived yesterday to install the service for my boss we KNEW it was a matter of time before she saw that truck and would land on his doorstep. And sure enough there was no disappointment. At least there is one absolute in all of this mess.
The new curtains that my boss demanded that I buy and put up to stop her from peeping in through the curtains has worked. He no longer needs to put newspapers up at the windows for privacy.
It must be a bit of an inconvenience to have to walk up to someone's front door. Forget "Jersey Shore" we could have a fabulous reality show right here in Alto. I wonder if the county would consider changing the name of the street to "Coronation Street?" Ena Sharples you have met your match right here in America!

Mike returned to the barn sans machine and started shoveling dirt yesterday. Experience is a great teacher. Once you have tried to beg help bringing in a backhoe, bobcat or small tractor without success you realize that it's time to pick up the shovel. You have run out of options.

It's a tough choice to make because there is simply so much soil to put back. But it has to go back if the concrete barn footings are to be protected. I have not been to the barn so I have no idea how much more needs moving.. but in the front 1,000 sq foot we are ready to start raking the ground back to "level" status, and I hope Mike left the rear 1,000 square foot ready to rake too.

This is a strange world we live in. When people have backhoe's, bobcats and small tractors 1/2 a mile away but wouldn't even consider helping out, or if they do consider it they simply never show up.
The "it's not MY problem" mindset, the lack of community spirit ( unless there is money to steal) seems to be perfectly acceptable in Ruidoso, though it wasn't always so. I have friends who are so convinced that the American economy is still going to roll - that the "bad" economic is going to turn a whole lot worse, beyond anything we have ever witnessed. A few believe that we are going to end up in "survival" mode.

John truly believes that when you are in need of help you are perceived as weak even if you have shown strength. And weak people are preyed upon, not helped.

If so I guess this dog-eat-dog experience will serve me well. Yet I thank God for those who do care and did care just because they have caring hearts, not because of any personal glory or desire to control someone in a vulnerable position. I would have simply been destroyed after the house and barn building fund was stolen by Robert Huckins if not for a handful of people. There would have been no hope.. not one iota of hope.

There are times when I simply go into panic wondering how I am going to keep going. Trying to locate what is needed, trying to earn enough money. Trying to do all of this in a recession. Yesterday was one of those days. When everything started to snowball.

It's hard enough in this economy just trying to keep one's head above water. I have no idea how much my truck is going to cost to repair it - but it won't be cheap. And the more I start to put together the list of items I need to buy the more it seems like a mountain beyond my scope.
Then.. well, I have an anxiety attack.

There is a 2 horse stall sat on the ground and I told Mike to pick it up and take it for his horses. My boss had used it as a tractor shed for years but I have nowhere to put it, and he needs it far more than I need it. I'm struggling trying to get two buildings finished without having a third sat rotting on the ground.

I spoke to John and he has no idea if he is coming back to Ruidoso on Sunday. At least the trailer has been sealed to be more waterproof, so it's not the same as it was a week ago.
I just managed to come up with the $65 for the permit. By the time the permit has been returned to me Jesse should be back in Ruidoso and the roof ready to go on, but it looks like the Indian Summer weather may have turned by that time and a snow storm replacing the sunshine.

The autumn always gets me badly, as it breaks into colours. I want to go south, where there is no autumn, where the cold doesn't crouch over one like a snow-leopard waiting to pounce. - D.H. Lawrence

Summer In November..

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The weather has turned simply glorious. One would never believe that this is November and I pray it will continue through the entire winter.

Leaving the house and barn alone for the day did me the world of good, I may try it again tomorrow.
Sometimes the sheer cost of what I need to buy and pay for, and whom I am going to get to help me, is so stressful I start to panic a little. So I am taking Johns words to heart, "One step at a time."

Today I returned to work to try and play "catch-up" with chores for my boss, which included a lot of running around.

My truck started acting up and while parked outside a local business I noticed oil dripping from under the motor. Diesels, especially not Ford350's, are not cheap to work on so I am praying that I can find a mechanic before the Ford died on me. I am also praying that my son-in-law still has a spare truck just in case I may need another vehicle.

But I heard that Mike may be returning to my property tomorrow to work. I didn't ask what he intended to do but I'm fairly confident it will be burning all the tree's that have been cut down, and the trash around the trailer. Anything he does will be an absolute blessing, but I'd almost make a bet that it won't be shoveling dirt in the horse barn.

Far away there in the sunshine are my aspirations; I cannot reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty. Believe in them and try to follow where they lead. - Louisa M. Alcott

A Little More Progress....

I woke up early this morning feeling as though someone had beat me black and blue during the night. Barely able to walk I went into my bosses house to clean the kitchen before I went to my property.

Once there I started shoveling soil in the barn. AGAIN.

There are times when simple explanations just can't cover the magnitude of what you are saying. The statement "we moved tons of soil" came to life today when Mike arrived to help John and I get the barn floor leveled.

As I started to shovel soil Mike yelled, "Stop that, you will kill yourself." Then he stood befuddled at so much dirt to move. He promptly got on the phone trying to find a bobcat or 4 wheeler with a shovel.

John just smiled and went back to doing the quick fix repairs on the roof of the trailer so it's more waterproof until the new roof is put on.

Mike, who is a 6ft, 215lb didn't seem to understand the fact that we had moved over 1,000 sq feet of soil by the time he arrived.. we felt that we were on the "home stretch" on a job that was simply overwhelming. It would have been overwhelming for 3 or 4 people let alone 2.
It was a 20 minute job with the right machinery.

John had left earlier this morning to pick his mare up. A mare that had been sent to a breeder. The mare hadn't been covered, and she had lost 200lbs in body weight, so I arrived with a bale of alfalfa for her. I felt awful for him, he so entrusted this person and it's an awful betrayal when you find out that loyalty isn't mutual. Especially when someone would neglect or harm a defenseless animal.

With the mare tied near the stock trailer eating hay, and a serious wind starting up right before noon, I asked John if we could finish up and come back when the weather wasn't turning nasty. To be honest both John and I were whipped. I knew that he had to drive to Colorado City, Texas with the mare and I didn't feel that it was fair to let him drive late into the evening.

Even though we worked less than 5 hours we seemed to get enough done to be pleased with the progress, and I was happy to leave the barn for Mike to finish. Let's see how quickly he can come up with a bobcat or backhoe.

I went back to work for another 4 hours but I have never been so happy to stop working for the evening. If I can't sleep tonight I never will. Once I do fall asleep I'm confident that I will want to sleep forever.

Prayerfully we will start again this coming week-end.

Everyone has a hobby or addiction that becomes "the time waster."

I don't care if it's athletic activity, or something as sedate as crossword puzzles - it's a stress re-leaser. Something that takes you away from everything burdening you.

For myself it's graphic design. If it's for business cards, brochures, advertisements, t-shirts, posters I can literally drown myself in design. I just love doing it. My mother simply prized her personalized stationary I would print up each year. She carried it everywhere.

Once upon a time it was a fairly lucrative field to be in, but today the computerized systems have reduced it to "mass international addiction." One day someone is going to come up with G.D.A (Graphic Design Anonymous) with a 12 step program to wean us from this shocking addiction. Until then when the world crumbles around me you will find me glued to the monitor at 2 am designing everything from Christmas Cards to T-Shirts for my grandchildren. Having graphics programs is like having crayons for big kids.

But by the time you have collected hundreds of files of personalized graphics you begin to wondering, "What do I do with this stuff NOW?"

There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect. - Ronald Reagan

One Step At A Time....

Even though we couldn't get to work on the house today John and I made unbelievable progress with the barn. Moving tons of soil by hand is no easy task, but we shoveled, and shoveled, with John repeating, "one step at a time, we have to do this one step at a time" almost in rhythm to the shoveling.

Long after sunset left and darkness came we kept shoveling, until almost half of the barn was back as it should be. Flat ground, the concrete footings of the cinder block covered and protected. It actually started looked like a ...... 2,000 sq ft 8 stall horse barn, instead of a total disaster. Being able to walk in, instead of having to mountain climb through it just delighted me. It was one less thing to worry about, and my worry had certainly been justifiable.I was simply exhausted. It had taken over 5 hours straight. My hands covered in blisters, and my back and hips doubling me in pain but I was so overjoyed at seeing that soil over the footings I really didn't care.

I have never been so happy, simply overjoyed with thankfulness, as I was seeing John early this morning. Leaving him was so hard because I was in the mood to keep working even though my body was not. Finally it became so cold, and the physical pain so intense that I couldn't remain any longer.
Yet that desire to just walk into the house, make coffee and something to eat, was an almost irresistible urge.

Tired I looked at John and bluntly asked, "Am I ever going to be able to live here? This is my home, yet getting it from one stage to another is like walking on broken glass."

He shook his head and said, "one step at a time, we have to do this one step at a time!"

I picked the oak and glass door up late in the afternoon and took it directly to the house just thrilled to pieces with it. What a simply magnificent door that is. I couldn't have been happier had it been encrusted in precious jewels and delivered from Tiffany's.

This was a good day. No it was a wonderful day. Praying for another one tomorrow.One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks. - Jack Penn

De-stressing, Distressing.. Which One Is It?

Is it REALLY November 1st already? Lord have mercy upon me.

I have not heard from John, and can't reach him via phone but that doesn't mean much. Perhaps he will show up sometime today, perhaps not. I am praying that it's the former and we can get some work done in the next few days while the weather permits.Early this morning a television guru was explaining how to get the stress out of your life. I listened with a smile on my face. My "stress" today is trying to come up with the funds to get the permit - and I need to phone Santa Fe and make sure that I apply for the correct permit. Buy that exterior oak and glass door. It would be nice to get the lavatory out of the back of my truck.
If John arrives I have to buy the concrete, and consider how to get water to the land so we can mix the concrete. My truck insurance is due, and my phone bill is due.

My health is really causing me serious concern. I'm not too sure if this is as simplistic as pneumonia, or the multiple effects of the M.H.E. I feel simply awful, putting one step in front of the other is excruciating. If the bank put "good health" into the vault I'd rob it without a second thought.

Yet, I'm grateful. I am always so grateful for the tiny steps, the little progress I can make. Any hope. Very rarely does a smile leave my face. I have bad days, and good days, but the only thing that I have found that can simply crush me is the lies, deception and meanness others manufacture. Yet, all in all I'm a pretty happy person with a sense of humor that knows no bounds.

Topix is a forum that could promote civic and political responsibility. I'm sure when the Ruidoso News signed up for Topix that was the intention. Here the citizens can discuss what is happening within the community. Yet there are several who use the forum to rip others into shreds and I have sat back wondering what would make a human being this malevolent. This cold hearted and mean spirited behavior. We live in one of the most beautiful locations in the world, we are so blessed and should have no reason to have the desire to degrade others. Julie Carter is the recipient of the latest "feeding frenzy." As I reading the heart wrenching comments and criticism I can still hear my dad saying, "You can't pull yourself UP by pulling others DOWN."
It's sad to see anything that could be a constructive asset to the community turned into a destructive force.. but as a local businessman said, "It is what it is."

My oldest daughter and I went to Wal-Mart and bumped into Pappy & Marlene. It seems that their home had an electrical fire so my daughter spent some time phoning to see what electrician wasn't going to charge and arm and leg to get their furnace working again.

Then we bumped into an English woman I had met frequently in the past few years who is an absolute delight. Having started discussing politics we decided that we needed to bring a podium or box to stand on the next time we meet..

I remember J.D. Allen, who passed away around 4 years ago, saying that Wal-Mart is the only place in Lincoln County where one can have a "social life" without drinking or taking drugs. I miss J.D. I miss Betty Schreconghost, Roy Payton, Doc Spencer, Jackie Spencer, Aubry Stokes.
How can you not be grateful when you have known such wonderful people?
“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.” - Oscar Wilde