I woke up at 2.am with tears running down my face I was in so much pain. My hip going out on Saturday took out the other hip by Wednesday, then my spine, until even the tumors around my ankles and wrists had caused my joints to feel like rusted metal. Getting around just became harder and harder.
I couldn't get back to sleep, so I started trying to come up with any new and innovative way to get my home finished. Are there any methods I have not yet tried without success?
I don't know if any change in the weather has caused this week-long flair up, because it's been unseasonably warm and so wonderful, yet it's suddenly so cold and damp that I wouldn't be surprised if it snows shortly. By 10 am everything, pine tree's, the Sierra Blanca, turned ghost white with frost as a cold front hit us. Jan said that the temperature at the Lazy J dropped 20 degree's in a short period of time.
Ever since the court cases trying to find the stolen building fund I stopped doing my hair and started putting my hair into a pony tail - for no other reason than I just can't be bothered with anything. I stopped putting make-up on at the same time.
It's been very difficult trying to stay clean while staying in a dirty shed trying to come up with money for a home.. I have to use a flashlight to find anything and I started to let myself go out of sheer exhaustion.
Last night, trying to focus on anything but the pain, I decided to stop putting my hair into a pony tail and start trying to do my hair and put make up on again. It sounded like a great idea last night before I drifted off to sleep ... it didn't sound so promising when I woke up crying in the middle of the night.
Each night I dream about finishing that property. I have done so much work on that land in my sleep that I should have had a home ready and been able to move into it long ago.
It isn't that I dream once in a while.. I dream every night of fencing, putting up gates, putting up sheet rock, painting, getting the roof on both the trailer and the barn. Everything is falling into place .... in my dreams.
Items too heavy for me to carry, I can carry in my dreams. The renovations that are too difficult for me to do alone I can do.. in my dreams.
In my dreams my grand-children are playing in my garden, my mother is playing with her great grandchildren. There is a kitchen, a dining room, a comfortable home to call our own. The nightmare of being homeless doesn't even exit... in my dreams.
In my dreams everything is possible, and nothing is impossible.
Each morning is an awful rude awakening when I wake up and find that I am still sat in the shed, still no further forward. It's almost like a shock to my system because nothing goes wrong .. in my dreams.
Dreams are the touchstones of our character. ~ Henry David Thoreau
