With another sleepless night fighting violent migraines and problems associated with the Bassell-Hagens disease I have been sat next to the computer fairly numb and confused for hours. I am just so cold. It's as though my body freezes from the inside out, the pneumonia and sneezing has returned. I just can't stop vomiting.
I am desperately ill.
John Boyd has never contacted me again about finishing the trailer even though the permits came in November 29th, Jesse Gordiola never contacted me about putting a roof on the trailer before the bad weather arrived, and the welder never contacted me about the roof on the barn. You just lose faith and hope.
Yesterday I bumped into the owner of Haute Dogs while shopping, a lady I have known some years. While discussing the state of events it dawned on me how bad I must look, how ill and exhausted I must appear to people.
A few years ago I would walk into Haute Dogs with my bosses Schnauzer, always full of energy, my hair done, clean clothes on. Full of optimism. Today I'm disheveled, so ill and exhausted. I look so old. I don't even feel like the same person. I don't feel like a living human being .. I feel as though I died years ago.
My boss wants an adult Schnauzer so I spent hours yesterday trying to local a house trained, adult Schnauzer. I finally found one in Alpine, Texas but he didn't think that I was able to drive to and from Texas to pick up a dog. Perhaps Jan came pick the dog up when she hauls the racing TB's to San Antonio, Texas.
Having had to pay an additional $700 to keep my truck running this week I am wondering how to get the funds back to get a roof on that house trailer and barn. I can earn enough to make ends meet, in an economy that has become more and more instable in the past 3 years, but trying to make ends meet AND renovate and built seems simply beyond me.
What on earth do you do when you have tried everything and everything seems to fail?
I feel like I am walking in Dorothy McKeevers shoes and I know EXACTLY what she went through and how she felt before she died. I am living her despair.
There is a slight possibility of snow today. I'm confident that the snow bunnies have been terribly disappointed this year because we have had so little snow, my gain has been their loss, but I would be the first to admit that their gain may have killed me. This has been a hard winter to get through even with though it's been milder than usual.
Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~ - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
