10 Degrees Below Freezing

It finally warmed up to minus 2 by 11 am this morning, but I am so stiff I can barely move a muscle. The dogs and I huddled together shivering in unison for the entire night. I kept pulling blankets over both dogs trying to relieve their plight, but warmth simply wouldn't come. One blanket kept shooting electric sparks each time one of the dogs moved, but their shivering was so violent that the electric show continued on for hour after hour.

Nursing a blinding migraine, and feeling sick to my stomach I kept drifting in and out of sleep without any comfort or peace. You can become so cold that you start to hyperventilate, breathing becomes very difficult. And you start to feel warm. Your limbs can be ice cold, yet you start to feel warm.

Shivering may be natures way of stopping hypothermia take over, of generating warmth, but shivering exhausts and weakens the body. Your muscles start to feel as though you have had an almost cruel degree of physical exercise, and they start to cease up. It didn't take long before I felt as though I had run a 40 mile race and then tried to climb Mount Everest.

I don't think I have ever lived through such a long period of dangerously frigid temperatures before in my life, not even while in the safety and comfort of a home, so trying to survive this while sat in a cold shed is becoming a serious challenge.

Trying to move the truck today was going to be fruitless. Already working on 5 or less cylinders I dare not risk doing further damage by trying to start it in below freezing temperatures, and with 14 inches or more inches of snow on the truck, and compacted ice and snow on the road it would have been incredibly dangerous to try and get to plowed roads.

So for today I am going to have to wait this one out like everyone else. Yet waiting it out is so painful, so devastatingly painful. Minus -10 by 7 pm, minus -15 by 8 pm, heading towards minus -20 in the next few hours, that I'm unsure how to find relief from these arctic conditions.

Why does a career criminal like Robert Huckins have a warm comfortable home? I just don't GET IT.

Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it. ~ Albert Schweitzer

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

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6 Degrees And Worse To Come?

With 6 inches of snow on the ground by sunrise, and much more forecast. With temperatures dropping to 6 degrees in broad daylight I don't know if I am frozen solid or simply dumbfounded. I woke up not knowing if any part of my body wasn't as cold as if I had slept in a freezer instead of a shed.


I was scheduled to go to the Lazy J sometime today but I'm unsure when or if I will be able to make that trip. Today isn't it. I phoned Robin at Harvey' s and she said that some places have 10+ inches of snow so our 6 inches is a blessing. Jan said that there is anything from 4 to 15 inches at the Lazy J due to the drifting so we agreed that I would, "see her after the thaw."

The schools and I rather suspect government offices closed. I decided to try a "test run" to see how far I could get the truck, and I managed to go to TR'S store.. perhaps 3 miles, going 2 mph. The roads were ghastly and my heart was in my mouth.

Sat in this type of inclement weather is causing too much hardship to my body and inside the truck was, at least, warm. I really wish I had a bath. I would soak the day away, or at least 30 minutes of the day, in a hot bath.

By 3 pm it was... 7 degrees, by 5 pm it was 5 degrees, by 6 pm it was 0 degree. Even the dogs, trying to get warm under the blankets, were shivering with this insanely low temperature. Even with 6 pairs of socks on my feet just froze. This has been one entire winter compressed into less than 24 hours. What an absolute nightmare to have to live through while sat in a shed, and it is forecast to drop below -10 tonight . What is even worse is that it may last 2-4 days, we are a long way from over.

Do I dare pray that God allows me to win the lottery tonight so that I can live like the other human beings around me, in a home, with all the creature comforts so many take for granted?


A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. ~ Thomas Jefferson

Reach Out And Touch Someone

Today was a busy day and one when the cold front came in, and the dreaded nationwide storm reached out to touch someone. And that someone was me.

I had no sleep during the night. Between migraine, and painful limbs and freezing cold temperatures I sat at the computer, went to bed, got up again in pain and sat at the computer again.

By 6 am I wondered if I could handle that drive to Tulerosa to pick up the rest of the supplies I purchased months before. This would have been the last trip had I managed to find the help to transport it right through to Ruidoso, but that didn't materialize so we unloaded at Tom's in Tulerosa and will have to go back and pick it up after this snowstorm has cleared.

The entire trip took less than 3 hours and couldn't have gone any better. It's such a joy to be around the folks I purchased these barn construction supplies from. They are so funny, yet honest and honorable. A rare find today. What could have turned into a nightmare of a day was turned around just by the kindness and consideration of those around me.

As I drove through the Mascalero Reservation coming back to Ruidoso snow flakes started to fall. Not heavy, nor plentiful.. but enough to give a warning of what is to come.

By the time I reached Alto I could barely keep my eyelids open. I had intended to go to the Lazy J before the snow became a serious hazard, but I simply couldn't risk falling asleep behind the wheel of the truck.

I can hardly believe that January is over. It doesn't seem like more than 5 migraines ago I was simply dreading Christmas wondering how on earth we would get through it, wondering how I could survive severe weather. In 8 weeks spring will be on the horizon.

Please God give me the strength to keep going and please, please send me some help. Or allow me win the lottery. Something, anything has to break lose dear Lord.
We are in a race between cooperation and catastrophe, and the threat is outrunning our response. ~ Sam Nunn

What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

Yesterday afternoon I ran to Wal-Mart and bumped into Jesse Gordiola , who asked me what work had been done on the single wide trailer. I was so ill, and embarrassed, that my health is going downhill I could only explain that no work has even been attempted - by anyone - since New Mexico Construction Industries Division red tagged the project last year when I was desperately trying to get the home finished before winter arrived.

I couldn't even find the energy to ask him if he still intended to put a roof on the trailer for me, or even show any optimism that I can find any help no matter what I do. And seeing as he didn't offer to put the roof on I never even approached the subject. I think I am way past talking about renovating because I have been let down so many times.
Enthusiasm just doesn't seem to be an emotion left within me.

With the daytime temperature moving towards the low 60's it was simply fabulous weather but again we are being teased with warm springlike weather directly before an impending snow storm.

I spent the entire day today frantically trying to get help with my truck. It really irks me when people far younger than myself make fun of situations instead of being helpful. Perhaps I was that way when I was much younger, meaning in my 30's.

You can't find your glasses and can't see too well with or without glasses. For someone with 20/20 vision that may seem a wee bit amusing.
You can't see the oil stick to know if you have enough oil. At a certain age it becomes a "touch" not a "see" world. Perfect eyesight isn't permanent, and when it's gone it's well and truly gone.

Physical illness is also another catastrophic event that seems to amuse younger people.
3-4 years ago I could have transported horses across the country, and handled stallions, without blinking an eye. Today I have spent cold winters without heat in a shed full of mold and I can barely move without excruciating pain. I get frustrated with my own physical health but I get more frustrated by sarcastic comments made by younger - and not always smarter - people.
I suspect that physical and emotional exhaustion isn't something that we truly understand until it hits us, depression, the feeling of hopelessness and desperation can't even be fathomed by those forging a life .. who have a home to go home to, who have not experienced adversity let alone permanent homelessness. Who have never sat alone in a shed thoroughly confused as to what comes next, or how to repair so much damage alone. Those who have so many tomorrows that a lifetime seems an eternity.

The next time I get frustrated at my 85 yr old boss because he can't hear, has the tv too loud, doesn't seem to understand that I am frozen solid having spent the night in 14 degree weather, or that I am struggling with migraines I don't seem to be able to control I'll bite my tongue because he's sure in a whole better shape for an 85 yr old than I am in for a 57 yr old.. and it's not fun being made fun of.

Remember, friends, as you pass by as you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so you must be. Prepare yourself to follow me - Anon.

No Method To This Madness

I should have hidden in the shed all day yesterday and try to sleep this migraine off, but I didn't do that. I staggered around deathly ill all day trying to work and fell asleep in the early evening thankful to be able to close my eyes and get away from the pain.

At 2.30 am I was wide awake. Not as ill, not feeling good, but wide eyed and bushy tailed nonetheless. By 5 am the migraine had returned in full force and I crept back to sleep for an hour trying to stop the inevitable, knowing that I had to be at my daughters by 8 am.

There should be a natural law that forces all human beings to sleep 8 hours - irregardless of health or lack of, and wake up at a decent hour ready for the day ahead. It would make life so much easier than this organized chaos.

It's All In The Mind.. Maybe...

I don't even know how to explain how stressful yesterday was. By 7 pm one of those migraines that start in the pit of my stomach had taken hold of me and I frantically tried to get to sleep before the double vision and vomiting started.

All night long I drifted in and out of sleep. My hips and spine hurting so much that the pain killers didn't make a dent on the migraine and by midnight I had lost my vision and was deathly ill. It was an awful night, but it could have got a whole lot worse.

I woke up at 5 am with nothing more than a throbbing head, my eyes feel so swollen and sore, and I am so tired I feel like I just finished 8 hours of hard labor. Tired doesn't describe this, exhaustion doesn't even cover it for I'm just beyond both.

I really want to sleep. I want this physical pain to leave so I can function, but I also want to sleep.

Nerves are funny. About 2 years ago I started uncontrollably vomiting. I can barely speak to anyone for longer than 5 minutes because I can't stop gagging. There are times when I can get hold of myself and take enough deep breathes to speak again. There are times when I'll have to walk away because I can't stop. Often even while on the phone I find myself unable to answer or continue in a conversation because the gag reflex is starting, and I can't stop it.

My stomach feels tied in knots continually. Each week I buy lottery tickets for my boss at TR's store. When I go to buy them I may sit outside that store for 5 minutes trying to stop myself from gagging each time I speak. And every time I leave the store I will get back into my truck and start gagging again. More than once I have literally collapsed onto the front seat of the truck in front of TR's and buried my head into the upholstery.

The gagging reflex has tormented my life for over 2 years. It's made face to face conversations virtually impossible. There are times I can get more control than others. There are times when I couldn't face another human being, because I can't control it. I refuse to drive any distance with another person in my vehicle.. because I'm not too sure how long I can go without starting to gag.

But why it slowly started up during the time period I was getting subpoenas to appear in court totally bewilders me. I know that it has to be partially related to nerves, yet I also know that it's causing unbelievable damage to my stomach and throat. And I have no idea what to do to stop it.

Around the same time my hands started to "tingle" as in "pins and needles" each time I try to go to sleep. The loss of feeling in my fingers is really bothersome because I have rightly or wrongly associated it with lack of oxygen.

The last and final schedule to go to Tulerosa ended up being this coming Monday morning. And it will be just Mike and I. Jan's flatbed trailer has 200 bales of alfalfa on it, and no-one available to unload it. It's complicating matters, and gives only a narrow window to get everything picked up, but not making it impossible to do.

By Tuesday we may have snow again..several days of snow. But weathermen have been known to be wrong - thank God.

We cannot seek or attain health, wealth, learning, justice or kindness in general. Action is always specific, concrete, individualized, unique. ~ Benjamin Jowett

One Of Our 50 Is Missing...

Someone wrote to me and said, "New Mexico is such a barren state you need to just leave."

I actually started to post several times, but I was getting so upset at the assumption that the answer to this problem was simply telling a woman without money to wonder off into other state to become a permanent bag lady, leaving family, property and pets behind I wanted to scream: "If the situation is bad, let's make it worse" isn't something I desire.

Today I am a little calmer, but an explanation as to "where I am" geographically may be needed. The photographs I use on this blog are taken locally. But this post may dispel doubt and stop me from talking about the 9 degree weather I woke up to this morning. Or the absolute dread I have in facing going to Tulerosa for the remainder of the supplies, fearing that I won't be able to get them before the deadline and I will lose several hundred dollars- again.

Sierra Blanca (also called the White Mountains) is a range of volcanic mountains in Lincoln and Otero counties of south-central New Mexico. The range is about 40 miles (64 km) from north to south and 20 miles (32 km) wide, and is dominated by Sierra Blanca Peak, whose highest point is at 11,981 ft (3,652 m). The peak is located 10 miles (16 km) west-northwest of Ruidoso and 30 miles (48 km) north-northeast of Alamogordo.

The majority of the Sierra Blanca range is within the Lincoln National Forest, and part of this is protected as the White Mountain Wilderness Area. However, much of the southern half of the range, including the summit of Sierra Blanca Peak, is part of the Mescalero Apache Indian Reservation, and requires a permit for access. To the south, across the valley of the Rio Tularosa, lie the Sacramento Mountains. To the north is Carrizo Mountain, and to the northeast lie the Capitan Mountains. On the west side, the range rises high above the Tularosa Basin.

The range serves as the headwaters for the Rio Ruidoso, Rio Tularosa, and Rio Bonito, as well as numerous arroyos draining into the Tularosa Basin, including Nogal Arroyo at the north end of the range.

Sierra Blanca Peak is the highest point in southern New Mexico, and is one of the southernmost points at which alpine ecosystems occur in the United States. Rising 8000 feet (2400 m) above the adjacent Tularosa Basin, it has the highest prominence in the state, and is the southernmost high peak in the contiguous United States (all higher peaks are farther north). The peak can be seen for many miles, particularly within the Tularosa Basin, and is visible from as far away as Sandia Crest near Albuquerque.

The eastern foothills of the Sierra Blanca range include the town of Ruidoso, and the area has a number of popular hiking and camping destinations. The ski resort located on Sierra Blanca Peak (which is located mostly within the Lincoln National Forest and managed by the Mescalero Apache Indian Reservation) is called Ski Apache, and it is one of southern New Mexico's two ski resorts, the other called Ski Cloudcroft.

In 2000 the population of Lincoln County was 19,411. Its county seat is Carrizozo, while its largest community is Ruidoso. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the county has a total area of 4,831 square miles (12,513 km²), of which 4,831 square miles (12,512 km²) is land and 0 square miles (1 km²) (0.01%) is water.

It was once the largest county in the United States. In the late 1870s the so-called Lincoln County War broke out between ranchers and the owners of the county's largest general store. William Bonney, better known as Billy the Kid, became involved on the side of the ranchers after his friend and employer was killed. In the end, Bonney killed the deputy that killed his friend, another deputy, and the county sheriff. Several other people were slain in the conflict, which included the other leader of the rancher faction. His death ended the conflict. In 1878, the new territorial governor, retired Union General Lew Wallace, offered an amnesty to the combatants in order to bring a long-lasting truce between the factions.

Today, Lincoln County is a much more peaceful county. Most of the population is centered in the southern portion of the county in the Greater Ruidoso Area. The town of Carrizozo serves as the county seat and is located in the Tularosa Basin northwest of Ruidoso. Ruidoso boasts several small suburbs and neighbor communities including Ruidoso Downs, Hollywood, Mescalero, and Alto which contribute to the Ruidoso Micropolitan Statistical Area's population of 21,224. Ruidoso serves as the second largest city in south central New Mexico behind Alamogordo which is 46 miles southwest of the village. Ruidoso Downs located on the southern end of the county and southeast of Ruidoso operates the Ruidoso Down Racetrack and Casino. The track hosts both thoroughbred and quarter horse racing, notably the All American Futurity, the richest race in quarter horse racing. Historical figures from Lincoln County include Billy The Kid and Smokey Bear, whose names help drive the tourism trade that is heavily popularized within the county.

I have children who have been raised in Lincoln County, and grand-children born here. The population has literally tripled since we arrived here decades ago, and so much has changed. But the rest of world still thinks we are in Mexico, not the United States. The New Mexico Magazine provides a column titled "One of our 50 is missing."

Two decades after its launch, the One of Our Fifty Is Missing humor column the magazine's most popular recurring department.

http://www.nmmagazine.com/50missing.php

While writing this blog I made several phone calls to make find out what time we were meeting Jan in Tulerosa to pick up the building supplies, and found out that she isn't going. It's been a frantic time trying to find a 25 ft long flatbed trailer, at the 12th hour, ( between 6.30 am and 7.30 am when we had scheduled to be in Tulerosa around 9 am ) without success.

With time running short to pick up the supplies I have already purchased, that awful feeling of swimming upstream against the odds overwhelms me. As though no matter how much effort or energy I put into trying to put this home & barn together I will never have a hope in hell of ever having a home again. I feel so defeated.

The heart of a mother is always the heart of a mother, no matter what our personal circumstances. Yesterday a friend handed me 3 lottery tickets. I clutched onto those lottery tickets for hours yesterday, praying with diligence that the Lord would open this avenue to give me a home. To restore the stolen money.

But then my heart turned to my own children and the financial struggles they have just trying not to sink beneath the waves. So I started praying for a home for myself AND the means to pay off the mortgages and put some financial security under their feet.

A 3 bedroom home for 6 people isn't comfortable, so I started praying for the funds to buy my oldest daughter & son-in-law a home big enough for their family. Then I thought about my youngest daughter and her family, and realized that she had always wanted a horse farm.. so I prayed for enough funds to cover a small facility too.

By the time I had finished praying a dozen or more people had new homes, but come sun-up I was still sat in the shed and the winning lottery tickets were not in MY hand.

You've got to take the bitter with the sour. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Rocky Mountain Low

Another freezing day in the Sacramento Mountains and I'm unsure when this frigid cold spell will end. I know that I am so ill and frustrated that my health is just getting worse. I would pay someone to take these migraines.

Yesterday evening I grabbed a pen and notepad and tried to start on the book again, but the throbbing migraine made it impossible to function and the freezing cold made me want to do nothing more than curl into a ball and sleep.

Drifting in and out of sleep all night I kept praying for the Lord to just take me home, get me out of this endless homeless nightmare. I didn't want to wake up this morning, as God is my witness I didn't want to wake up here on earth. No more, please God, no more of this.

To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cat-astrophic Day

I woke up this morning to 6 degree frigid weather, having spent the entire day yesterday in a 20 degree cold front.

My boss was in a state of panic over his cat, who had never returned home having left the night before. After noon I found the cat, "Zero," perched in the branches of a pine tree simply terrified. How he managed to get up there without any claws was a mystery, and clearly he couldn't get down. Living above 7,500 ft in the middle of pine tree's may have an advantage we had never considered before... the pine sap may be the perfect adhesive for a de-clawed cat to get to the top branches of a pine tree!

I pulled a metal ladder to the tree, but my hands were freezing onto the ladder. My boss wanted me to pull my truck around, and use the bed of the truck to reach Zero, but I didn't dare do that because the backhoe woman has closed off the rear entrance making it impossible for me to get out with a vehicle as large as a 4 door Ford350 without added problems - like getting stuck.

So while my boss became angry at the backhoe woman and ranted and raved about her breaking the sale contract by blocking off the rear entrance/exit I struggled in the freezing cold to get the cat out of the tree, and tried to get my 85 yr old boss to go back home to make it a whole lot easier.

Only after my boss went home did things become a lot less chaotic, and Zero quietly jumped from one branch to another until he was safe in my reach. But by that time I had been coaxing the cat for 2 hours and I was a frozen icicle, nothing I could do for the rest of the evening would stop that awful feeling of being cold right to the bone .

The 6 degree weather that met me this morning wasn't welcome. While I was asleep Wally had curled up and gone to sleep at my back, Copper and Rio had found a way to scrunch up to my front and sleep. Their body warmth keeping me toasty warm. When I woke up and moved them the cold cut into me like a knife.

I had so much work scheduled for the next 3 days. I was supposed to take all the dogs to Becky Washburn DVM to get their shots updated - but in this temperature my truck won't start. I have to get to the bank for my boss, and on Thursday Mike, Jan and I have to return to Tulerosa to pick up the remaining supplies for my land/home that I purchased last year.

The trip to Tulerosa isn't causing any joy whatsoever. Everyone is so disheartened that I keep trying to get this property livable but they all know that without help from someone who understands construction we are all just swimming upstream.

Without the stolen money being returned I just can't earn the amount needed to hire people... and my health can't withstand any more homelessness. The weight of the combined factors stole our joy a long time ago and with everyone folding financially in tough economic times it's such a dismal, defeating - and joyless - task.

Yet in a frozen tundra getting anything done is difficult, getting my body moving is more of a challenge than I really like. All we need is a little sunshine, and a little warm weather just to get us through the next 3 days... failing that I will try to find some humor - though humor seems not to come easily anymore.

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. ~ Greenville Kleisser

Rewind Button Please

Last night was one of those nights I was so deathly ill that I couldn't sleep. I finally fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up 3 hours later to...

Snow...

Going from 55 degree sunny days to frigid snowy days in less than 24 hours is getting a little tiresome, but the alternative may be not having any 55 degree sunny days - so I will hold my tongue.


I spent yesterday evening and most of the night reading the blogs of the homeless. I didn't even know that there were such blogs around - but there are. Thousands of them . As I read each account I couldn't help but remember someone telling me that when you reach your late 50's you are in the "youth of your old age."


The fact is, I'm ill and tired. Sleepless nights and these constant migraines and health problems are draining me. And I KNOW that it would take so little to get that property livable - yet it's so far out of my reach. I'm even frustrated that I spent so much money hauling in supplies to renovate - new doors, double glazed windows, pressure tank, wood, plywood, nails, concrete blocks, new range, almost new fridge, panels, gates, roofing material and I don't even have the physical strength to even move items let alone try to put it all together to make a home.

I want to go back to my youth: I want the stamina, good health, devilish determination of youth to face this life. The level of optimism that will take on anything with no question of defeat. Maybe it takes those components to totally ignore the obvious and see everything as simple as can be.





I need a rewind button to get me back to an age where all the problems in the world could be resolved through simplistic measures. Where failure was never an option and we each believed ourselves to be perfectly capable of changing the entire world.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. ~ Mark Twain

"Jax"

Migraines, migraines, migraines...

For years my mother acquired migraine medication for me and sent it to me, but that stopped after she sold her home and came to buy one here in Lincoln County. It's no longer legal to send medication through the mail - not even over the counter medication.

I never used to get them on a regular basis, but when I did have a migraine it incapacitated me. Today they have come to live in my head and refuse to leave. It seems like a constant battle trying to fight double vision and nauseating migraines. Trying to find just a brief window where I can function before the next bout hits me like a cricket bat alongside the head.

Yesterday I tried to drive my truck out of the yard while it was still plugged in by the electric extension cord. It's almost a surreal feeling when you can't see a bright orange electric cord until it has snapped into two.
While telling my daughter about the fiasco that forced me to buy another $37.00 electric extension cord she said, "That's okay mum, I just drove through mid-town with my brake on. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my car!"

The stress pertaining to finances is reaching a crescendo of desperation for every member of the family. It's as though the whole world is rocking around us. My youngest daughter has to come up with $7,000 for dental surgery and I am frantically wondering where to turn for relief. The recession is putting everyone through hell and I watch feeling so helpless as everyone struggles trying to keep their heads above water.


"Jax" meanwhile is settling in and we are thrilled to pieces with this wee dog who is so well mannered with such a delightful personality. It has been terribly difficult trying to find a companion animal for an 85 yr old who doesn't want to have to train a dog,who doesn't have the skills required to train a dog. And who wanted a miniature Schnauzer to replace his last one, Rexy. When I was told that Jax - then "Ernie" - was only 18 months old my heart went into my stomach fearing that he would be far too young. It turns out that he's far younger than that. He's probably between 9 and 12 months old.

We have no idea what his background is, other than he was found wondering around Alpine, Texas covered in ticks and despite an extensive stay at the animal shelter not one person came forward to claim him.
He's been so well trained that he shakes your hand and listens to every word uttered. Someone really spent a lot of time on this wee one, making sure that he was obedient and well mannered.

He's certainly become a loved and appreciated blessing to an 85 yr old who wanted exactly what Jax is.. blessings can walk in on four legs and... from homelessness. A state of affairs that animals have no more control of than humans do.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly. ~ Richard Bach

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Yesterday would have been hilarious if not so frustrating.

I set about with the belief that if I tried to "do" my hair, wear make-up, I'd feel less of a homeless gypsy. But it's difficult to look neat and tidy when you are living in a shed.

Somehow I managed to get the hot rollers into my hair after an exercise in frustration. I couldn't find the nozzle from the setting lotion can no matter how long I scrambled around on the concrete shed floor with a flash light. And after well over an hour I gave up and tried to use a screwdriver to let the "liquid" instead of foam drip from the top of the can.

My hair set like concrete.

Trying to brush it out using the rear view mirror in the truck sent my hair into "shock therapy." By the time I was ready to leave I looked like the female version of Phil Spector.

At the Lazy J Ranch Jan said, "Oh, I DO like your hair that color." It's the same color it's always been, but it's been 3 years since I stopped trying to hide my hair because I can't keep it done while homeless.

But it was nice of her to notice my hair color. *Laugh*

Trying to put make up on in a dark shed proved impossible, which may have been a blessing because had I enough light to try and put make-up on, or had I tried to use a flashlight, I may have emerged looking like CoCo-The-Clown.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.~ Phyllis Diller

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? ~ Jean Kerr

In My Dreams.....

I woke up at 2.am with tears running down my face I was in so much pain. My hip going out on Saturday took out the other hip by Wednesday, then my spine, until even the tumors around my ankles and wrists had caused my joints to feel like rusted metal. Getting around just became harder and harder.
I couldn't get back to sleep, so I started trying to come up with any new and innovative way to get my home finished. Are there any methods I have not yet tried without success?

I don't know if any change in the weather has caused this week-long flair up, because it's been unseasonably warm and so wonderful, yet it's suddenly so cold and damp that I wouldn't be surprised if it snows shortly. By 10 am everything, pine tree's, the Sierra Blanca, turned ghost white with frost as a cold front hit us. Jan said that the temperature at the Lazy J dropped 20 degree's in a short period of time.

Ever since the court cases trying to find the stolen building fund I stopped doing my hair and started putting my hair into a pony tail - for no other reason than I just can't be bothered with anything. I stopped putting make-up on at the same time.
It's been very difficult trying to stay clean while staying in a dirty shed trying to come up with money for a home.. I have to use a flashlight to find anything and I started to let myself go out of sheer exhaustion.

Last night, trying to focus on anything but the pain, I decided to stop putting my hair into a pony tail and start trying to do my hair and put make up on again. It sounded like a great idea last night before I drifted off to sleep ... it didn't sound so promising when I woke up crying in the middle of the night.

Each night I dream about finishing that property. I have done so much work on that land in my sleep that I should have had a home ready and been able to move into it long ago.

It isn't that I dream once in a while.. I dream every night of fencing, putting up gates, putting up sheet rock, painting, getting the roof on both the trailer and the barn. Everything is falling into place .... in my dreams.

Items too heavy for me to carry, I can carry in my dreams. The renovations that are too difficult for me to do alone I can do.. in my dreams.

In my dreams my grand-children are playing in my garden, my mother is playing with her great grandchildren. There is a kitchen, a dining room, a comfortable home to call our own. The nightmare of being homeless doesn't even exit... in my dreams.
In my dreams everything is possible, and nothing is impossible.

Each morning is an awful rude awakening when I wake up and find that I am still sat in the shed, still no further forward. It's almost like a shock to my system because nothing goes wrong .. in my dreams.Dreams are the touchstones of our character. ~ Henry David Thoreau

I Will Never Be Homeless

“I Will Never Be Homeless”

by Bonnie Briggs

I will never be homeless,
It won’t happen to me.
I will never be homeless,
I’m doing so well, don’t you see?
I have a good job, a nice house and a car,
I have everything I need to go far.
I am not like those Welfare bums,
To whom prosperity never comes.
You know, the ones who don’t want to work,
Any kind of physical labour, they shirk.
All they want to do is drink,
Some are not clean, and they stink.
Then, I see a man, lying in the street,
A tattered coat around him and no shoes on his feet.
But, I sense that something is wrong,
That somehow, this man does not belong.
So, I decide to stop to say hello,
And ask him why he fell so low.
He once worked on a street called Bay,
Making good money every day.
Then, one day his job was gone.
He was told, “just go on home.”
He soon just didn’t care,
His purpose in life no longer there.
He lost his family, his home, and his car.
In just a few months, he fell so far.
So here he was, on the street,
With a tattered coat around him and no shoes on his feet.
Then I saw the lines on his face and the pain in his eyes,
I will never be homeless, will I?

Someone was kind enough to sent me this poem ~ it is a reality check to all.

Man's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn! ~ Robert Burns

The fundamental rights of [humanity] are, first: the right of habitation; second, the right to move freely; third, the right to the soil and subsoil, and to the use of it; fourth, the right of freedom of labor and of exchange; fifth, the right to justice; sixth, the right to live within a natural national organization; and seventh, the right to education. ~ Albert Schweitzer

Sunshine And Tears...

Saturday afternoon one of my hips went out due to the Bassel-Hagens disease and walking or sitting became so painful I was gritting my teeth trying to remain functional. By this morning it just feels heavily bruised, but not the excruciating pain I experienced since Saturday.The weather is absolutely fabulous but I'm starting to wonder if that is a plus or a minus. It's true that it's a lot more comfortable than facing those 11 degree temperatures. Today it's 59 degrees - wonderful weather - but last night after 7 pm it was well into the upper 30's, lower 40's. Yet with the warmer spring like weather comes a desperate desire to get into a home - to get the trailer house finished, get the barn roof on and without help my hands are tied.
I don't even know whom to turn to to get help anymore, all the help I had ran when the construction industries division red tagged the trailer, and they never returned. It's such a lost and confused feeling.

Sometimes desperation turns into panic, and that panic plummets me into a depression I barely withstand. It's been one of those times when tears fall sub-consciously and I have an overwhelming desire to just GO HOME.. but I don't have a home to go to.
I opened the letter from the State of New Mexico Corrections Department and found a money order for the January 2011 payment from Robert Huckins made out to the amount of $456.66.
That means that he now ONLY owes me $78,546.72.

At this rate it will take me over a year to be able to afford the electric poles to turn the electricity on at the land - but why worry about electricity when you can't find anyone to actually help you get a home ready to live in.

Still the sun shines, the weather couldn't be more perfect to get the house trailer and barn finished and I'm just desperate for a home and desperate for help.
"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it" - Albert Smith

Neighborhood Watch?

We actually timed it this time. Not even close to 48 hours.

I picked up the miniature Schnauzer for my boss at 4.30 pm-5 p.m on Friday afternoon in El Paso, Texas. The only people who knew what I was doing was my oldest daughter, Jan at the Lazy J, and my boss. I left a message on the office answering machine at Becky Washburn DVM at around 3.30 pm the same day. I didn't get back till 8.30 pm Friday night so no-one could see me unload the miniature Schnauzer.
He was put in the house, and no-one can see into the small fenced yard.

Today at 9.30 am I loaded up the dog and took him to be groomed by Jan at the Lazy J. When I returned my boss said, "That backhoe woman came again whole you were gone with the dog. She was peeping through my windows and finally came to the door and said that she had HEARD that I had a new dog. I'd like to know how she found out I had a new dog?"

Maybe every neighborhood has a "nosy neighbor" but I'm a bit like my boss. Thoroughly stumped at how this woman knows everything well in advance, or why it's worth her time trying to keep up with what everyone is doing as though this is PhD level information and she MUST be the first to know. I never thought that the arrival of a new dog was particularly "newsworthy" enough.

Maybe some lives are so empty they have to fill the void. I wish I had the same dilemma. No, that's not true. I'd simply like my own life back.

I spent 3 hours looking for dog leashes because I couldn't find anything in the packed boxes. Jan needed to borrow some training equipment and I couldn't find standard training equipment. It's so heartbreaking and so depressing when your life is boxed away and you can't function because you can't find anything.

The weather has been so beautiful it feels like spring and I am still worried about how to finish this trailer house and get the roof on the barn so I can have a life back.

Until then maybe I should go pick up an elephant.. now THAT may be news worthy enough for the nosy neighbor.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them. ~ Will Rogers

A gossips mouth is the devils mailbox ~ Anon

El Paso Bound

Yesterday I spent the day in El Paso waiting to pick up the miniature Schnauzer for my boss at the airport. I am ill equipped for cities and large towns and getting lost in a concrete jungle terrified of the fast moving 6 lane highways seems to be my "norm."
I simply abhor concrete, asphalt and crowds. Give me dirt roads and mountains and I am as happy as I can be just watching for for deer, elk and bear.

I got back at 8.30 pm simply exhausted, my hips hurting and fell fast asleep.

Today the weather was so fabulous I desperately wanted to get to my property and start working on the barn roof and trailer house, but with no help in sight I couldn't do much good. This is simply beyond frustrating, it's heartbreak that never ends.


On the blog post "Life's Simple Truths" I cut and paste comments to me from someone who claims to be a local politician. Today he's attacking others with the foulest language I have ever heard on Topix and the posters are, rightfully, threatening to him him removed and banned.
The mystery continues as to WHOM he is, yet today he wrote:

Let me guess, mac, you're pushing 70 or so, right? You and your wife are the perfect age, with lots of time on your hands, to take up a cause -- even if it's wrong -- and lead the sheep to slaughter. You can try to push everybody around, but buddy, you don't know just how very wrong you are. FYI, Clinton was not MY president. I worked for his worst enemy in the House of Representatives at the time, a very well-known and well-respected Republican.

http://www.topix.net/forum/source/ruidoso-news/TRH7CKGANQUODS8AS/p4

We are supposed to be a conservative community but I have never quite understood that, because conservatives are normally Christians and Christians are called to be Christ-like in words and action. Yet as I read his tyrants against all and sundry it sadly makes sense to me. WHY Ruidoso is the way it is. Lord help us all.

What is really sad is that between the cussing this person who calls himself "Wizard" has a political stand that I agree with 100%. I'm just shocked that any person in a political position, who clearly has a lot of political savvy, would be THIS rude and overbearing to everyone in his path. What a shame.

I have my values, and if you don't like them, well I've got some others. ~Mark Twain

Dog Days...

Today the weather was so like summer it was difficult not to smile. Sunny, in the lower 50's and simply gorgeous.

I had to haul hay in the morning and get the truck ready to go and pick up a rescue miniature Schnauzer named, "Ernie" tomorrow at the El Paso airport. We are praying that Ernie is housebroken and will be the perfect companion for my elderly boss. I'm praying that the Ford350 will make it to El Paso.

My daughter bought a 6 month old miniature Yorkie named, "Lilly" on Tuesday so the little dog has kept us all preoccupied for the past 24 hours. Now she needs a "playpen" so I'll try to find one at a junk store in or around El Paso.

My daughter phoned and said that the payment from Robert Huckins arrived, which was a bit of a shock seeing as it's only the 13th of the month. Wouldn't it be nice if he had decided to uncover the hidden money and send me the $79,000 he owes me so I can return to living like a REAL human being, and not an animal sleeping in a garden shed?

30 degrees at 7 pm is almost like a heat wave, and it's only supposed to get to 25 degrees at the coldest. My time in El Paso tomorrow will almost seem like I am in a "tropical" climate.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~Ben Williams

Never Test For An Error Condition You Can't Solve.

With another sleepless night fighting violent migraines and problems associated with the Bassell-Hagens disease I have been sat next to the computer fairly numb and confused for hours. I am just so cold. It's as though my body freezes from the inside out, the pneumonia and sneezing has returned. I just can't stop vomiting.
I am desperately ill.

John Boyd has never contacted me again about finishing the trailer even though the permits came in November 29th, Jesse Gordiola never contacted me about putting a roof on the trailer before the bad weather arrived, and the welder never contacted me about the roof on the barn. You just lose faith and hope.

Yesterday I bumped into the owner of Haute Dogs while shopping, a lady I have known some years. While discussing the state of events it dawned on me how bad I must look, how ill and exhausted I must appear to people.

A few years ago I would walk into Haute Dogs with my bosses Schnauzer, always full of energy, my hair done, clean clothes on. Full of optimism. Today I'm disheveled, so ill and exhausted. I look so old. I don't even feel like the same person. I don't feel like a living human being .. I feel as though I died years ago.

My boss wants an adult Schnauzer so I spent hours yesterday trying to local a house trained, adult Schnauzer. I finally found one in Alpine, Texas but he didn't think that I was able to drive to and from Texas to pick up a dog. Perhaps Jan came pick the dog up when she hauls the racing TB's to San Antonio, Texas.

Having had to pay an additional $700 to keep my truck running this week I am wondering how to get the funds back to get a roof on that house trailer and barn. I can earn enough to make ends meet, in an economy that has become more and more instable in the past 3 years, but trying to make ends meet AND renovate and built seems simply beyond me.
What on earth do you do when you have tried everything and everything seems to fail?
I feel like I am walking in Dorothy McKeevers shoes and I know EXACTLY what she went through and how she felt before she died. I am living her despair.

There is a slight possibility of snow today. I'm confident that the snow bunnies have been terribly disappointed this year because we have had so little snow, my gain has been their loss, but I would be the first to admit that their gain may have killed me. This has been a hard winter to get through even with though it's been milder than usual.

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~ - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Murphy Was An Optimist!

The past two days have had wonderful weather, but try as hard as I could, I couldn't find anyone to help me face that house trailer again. By Wednesday we should be back to the slight chances of snow again. Summer cannot come fast enough for me. I am wishing my life away trying to get into that house and get the roof on the barn.

This is so strange. The little one could do when the weather is nice, is impossible to do because you can't find the help. I've often wondered how this world is going to be if the recession deepens and people have the choice of either helping one another, or turning against one another in a survival mode. It's a terrifying proposition.

On Saturday and Sunday afternoon I was plagued with violent migraines, so bad I had to go to bed and though I slept from 4pm through the night Saturday night on Sunday night sleep wouldn't come and I stressed throughout the night. By early morning I felt like I had been beaten within an inch of my life.

I can't shake this sadness and feeling of hopelessness. There are times when I just can't believe that this is happening, times when I don't understand how it could be allowed, times when I try to deny it. Months ago I could grasp a little hope, a little optimism, a belief that being left homeless can't be a permanent situation. But today I know different.

Robert Huckins is yet again scheduled to pay me $450 on or before the 10th, today. But when you are homeless, trying to finance a home, those payments are starting to add insult to injury. Why won't ANYONE tell me what he did with so much money. Not only our building fund, but the enormous amount he stole from so many individuals, not for profits, and government offices?

These 13 degree nights are hard. Hard on me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Without the Lord I know I couldn't handle this.

Still, if it was possible to bribe God to take me home, now, I'd probably rob a bank to pay the money.

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them. ~Henry David Thoreau