Monday, May 2, 2011

May Day ..Mayday

Around 9.30pm last night a mild migraine started and by 10 pm I felt so bad that I went to bed thinking that the painkillers would work while I slept. I woke up at 5.30 am deathly ill, the shed walls spinning around me, my head feeling like it was going to explode.

By 9.30 am I knew that I couldn't walk, nor work so I phoned my boss and barely managed to tell him that I had to go back to bed. There was no option. I took more pain medication and slept until 11.25 am, waking with much more function ability but still feeling so ill.

These migraines are increasing in intensity and frequency and I am totally lost at what to do to stop them. By living off pain killers I may be destroying my stomach wall ~ yet without pain killers I can barely find a few hours a week that I am not dysfunctional, crippled with pain.

I keep trying to return to the building project, getting the roof on the barn and renovating the single wide, but each time I revisit the project my stress level increases and the anxiety is so bad migraines come one after another until I am curled up on a fetal position silently screaming in pain.

Is there any end to this or any answer to this? I live in a world where all I want is a home, not to suffer the adverse effects of homelessness any longer, not to die in subzero temperatures. Not to allow my mother to die without my being able to see her again. Not to let her die without her being able to see her family again.
Everything hinges on a home.

Yet the first year went into the second year as court dates and subpoena's were issued in an attempt to locate the stolen money. The third year arrived with no success but my health failing. Today I am just so lost and confused at what to do, I am so deathly ill.

Not wanting to live one more day isn't a crime, it's a desire. A desire to be out of pain. A desire to have a home even if it's an eternal home away from life's travails, the struggles, the frustrations and disappointments. I am starting to simply detest life. I can't even imagine waking to one more day feeling this ill. No one should suffer through this level of torment for this long a period. It is so cruel.

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.