Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Life Is Like A Broken Record

Almost the end of March, and true to form it is leaving like a lamb. My main fear is that when the spring rains arrive this shed will yet again be under water, including raw sewage, and I have no way of protecting my possessions stored in this shed. I never expected to still be here this spring.. I truly didn't. Now I wonder if I will ever get into a home.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous today. Rio and I went to the Lazy J, where the sheriff's Posse members were working on an RV intended for the members to use. Jan was doctoring an elderly Arabian stallion who was seriously injured this past week and I was starting to feel so depressed that my focus must still remain on that single wide and barn, not join in the summer activities or return to my career.

I feel like the proverbial broken record.

On the way to the Lazy J Ranch I drove past the single wide that is being renovated on the land sold by USRay and the progress is simply amazing. Yet I am still struggling trying to find a way to get my single wide home and barn finished - or even started.

My eyes are so sore with crying, something I have not been able to stop for weeks. Not crying as in sobbing, just tears running down my face for no other reason than the sheer hopelessness, helplessness and desperation I feel. In the middle of the store, while working, while watching a movie tears run down my face uncontrollably.

Everything is now trying to work against the clock, trying to get into a comfortable home before winters arrives, trying to get stability, trying to do what I have been trying to do for 3+ years. There is an urgency, and an undercurrent of sheer panic. And it's flowing into my eyes and rolling down my face.

Ironically yet again I bumped into Robert Huckins today, while he was putting gas into his vehicle. I'm sure that watching me struggle is inflating his ego no end.

Tomorrow morning I have to go and pick my grand-son up and we can garden all day to keep him preoccupied.

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.~ Albert Einstein

Monday, March 28, 2011

Facing Evil, Finding Hope

Another simply gorgeous day in the upper 60's lower 70's. Yesterday I planted dozens of flower bulbs for my boss hoping that the mule deer will be kind enough to leave them alone after they start to grow and bloom.

While at Wal-Mart buying the gardening supplies my daughter and I yet again bumped into Robert Huckins while he was in the electronic department. There is always an effort to rub salt into the wounds that I have never quite understood. As though stealing a persons home, leaving them homeless, is not quite enough. Making sure that the victims know that you got away with it and life is good, and your life is not in turmoil, must be exhibited each time they see you.
My oldest daughter shook her head in disgust as Huckins laughed and joked looking at the big screen tv's and said, "Well, he can't buy one of those tv's because he has all that money hidden away - and he can't spend it."

In life we often time we come face to face with a level of evil, a total lack of conscience, that we could never understand in a million years.

Somehow I must find some hope in this mess. The weather is just too perfect to not take advantage of it. My oldest daughter promised to help me in the little ways we can work together as soon a her schedule was set, and she has days off.
We can put the fencing back up. We may even be able to dig the holes and bring in the concrete to put the posts in. But the single wide and barn roof needs someone with building knowledge, and the electricity needs a certified & licensed electrician.
Neither of which I can afford unless Huckins tells us where he hide the money.

This week I have to clear my mind long enough to write the brochures and marketing articles for the trail ride associations and their 2011 events.

When you discover your mission, you will feel its demand. It will fill you with enthusiasm and a burning desire to get to work on it. ~ W. Clement Stone

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Me, Myself And I

For the past few days I have been so ill and depressed that blogging wasn't possible. The worry about finding help to get this single wide and barn finished has sent me into a panic struck quandary. The weather has been delightful, albeit some high winds made nights inside a garden shed fairly noisy.
Last night I couldn't sleep, by 4am I was so distraught Rio and I went for a walk trying to clear my mind and seek "calmness."
Trying to find electric poles to get the electricity turned on has been a major hurdle and I feel like a hamster on a wheel, running as fast as I possibly can yet going nowhere.

I have long since started to question if I am supposed to have a home. Please God, don't let me die in this shed.

Yet I still go on somehow trying to find a way to get the roof on this barn, utilize the building supplies already purchased to renovate the single wide and find the funds to buy more supplies. But there is JUST Me, Myself and I - and I have no idea how to do it alone.

Still the weather is just gorgeous and this week I'll start working on the brochures and articles for the trail riding groups in the region, advertise a few stallions and keep plodding on praying for a miracle in my life.

I'm marketing one stallion - for sale - that I wanted to buy 3+ years ago and it's hitting me hard that here we are in breeding season and I can't even return to my work, my career, because I can't get the barn finished.
This particular stallion I would have walked over broken glass to acquire before I met Robert & Sylvi Huckins. My, how times have changed.

Being without a hauling truck prompted my boss to ask why I didn't "lease" a one ton truck for he was confident that I could lease one for less than $250 a month. I started laughing.. I rather doubt that anyone could lease a truck for $250 a month and even if such was possible, that amount is more money than I make in a week. I would have to work over a week to pay the rental, and a week to pay the insurance.
Sounds good to me!

My grand-children returned from California where they spent an entire week being deluged by rain and storms. It was warmer in sunny Ruidoso-By-The-Sea than Southern California.
My youngest daughter managed to retrieve the stranded truck in Texas, so I can now relax from fearing they had lost that vehicle.
Life would be good.. if I could only acquire a home and see my mother before she dies.

One of the topics that came to my attention in the past 3 days an unbelievable revival in the Muslim communities around the world. These are simply the tip of the iceberg - to which I say, "Praise the Lord."

Although Muslim have been wrongly taught about Jesus the Messiah by their religious leaders, many of them are now coming to faith in the real Jesus of the Bible. Charisma Magazine wrote an interesting report that states, “…a tsunami of faith is quietly overtaking the Muslim world. Islamic adherents are laying aside their allegiance to Muhammad to follow Jesus Christ, despite the social ostracism, persecution and possible martyrdom that converts to Christianity face.” Middle East expert Joel Rosenberg believes more Muslims have come to faith in Christ in the last 30 years than at any time in history. “The vast majority of those conversions have happened since 9/11,” he notes. He relates some of their stories in his book, Inside the Revolution.

One missionary to Iran, who asked to remain anonymous, says a “tremendous” number of Muslims there are seeing that “Islam as a religion has failed them personally, economically, spiritually and socially.”

When Christians witness to Muslims they need to overcome some common misconceptions their Islamic leaders have taught them about Jesus, such as:

  • Jesus was not the Son of God but merely a messenger (prophet).
  • Jesus was not crucified, nor did He ever resurrect from the dead.
  • Anyone who believes in Jesus as the Son of God will be accursed.

But despite these erroneous ideas about Jesus, many Muslims are seeking the truth and discovering the real Jesus is indeed the Son of God and the Savior of all mankind.

May the LORD burden us to pray for and witness to the Muslim people. They need our Christian love and compassion just as much as any other race of people in the world.

Son of Hamas leader forsakes and exposes Islam, and starts following Jesus

Christians and Muslims should take note of part 5 of this series where Mosab Hassan Yousef, son of one of the Hamas founders, talks about the reason he forsook Islam and turned to Jesus Christ. Of special interest is the fact that Hamas torture and kill their own members inside the Israeli prisons and no one is safe. One verse that changed this young man's life was where Jesus said, "Love Your Enemies."


Visions of Jesus Stir Muslim Hearts

Chris Mitchell

CBN News Middle East Bureau Chief

In a time where the world's attention is riveted on events in the Middle East, CBN viewers have come to appreciate Chris Mitchell's timely reports from this explosive region of the world. Mitchell brings a Biblical and prophetic perspective to these daily news events that shape our world.

JERUSALEM - The Muslim call to prayer resounds through a large part of the Earth, where more than one billion people call themselves Muslims.

Throughout the Islamic world, many Muslims from Gaza to London are also responding to the call to global jihad, where the goal is to take over the world for Islam. It's a clash of civilizations with the Christian faith in the middle.

Throughout the nearly 1,400 year history of Islam, Muslims have resisted the Christian Gospel. Many Christians tried to reach them with the good news, but with little success.

But according to many reports from the Middle East and around the world, that history is changing.

"I see many, many Arabic-speaking people turning to Christ, accepting Him as Lord and Savior,” said Nizar Shaheen, host of Light for the Nations, a C
hristian program seen throughout the Muslim world. "It's happening all over the Arab world. It's happening in North Africa. It's happening in the Middle East. It's happening in the Gulf countries. It's happening in Europe and Canada and the United States-in the Arabic-speaking world. Everywhere, people are accepting Jesus."

"What's happening nowadays in the Muslim world has never happened before," said Father Zakaria Boutros, an Egyptian Coptic priest who is one of the foremost evangelists to the Muslim world. He says a cross-section of Muslims are accepting Jesus Christ. "Young and old, educated and not educated, males and females,
even those who are fanatic."

One fanatic Muslim who came to faith in Jesus Christ is Samer Achmad Muhammed. He studied for years to become a Wahhabi sheik, one of the most virulent forms of Islam. He hated Christians and the church, but his heart changed when he heard the Gospel.

"I dedicated my life to Jesus Christ, Jesus forgave me for my sins,” he said. “He gave me eternal life and peace. And the second thing, I really suffered in my daily life, but I had peace, I had joy because Jesus entered my heart."

Muhammed is just one of many who are coming to Jesus. Heidi Baker of Iris Ministries sees thousands of African Muslims receiving Jesus and getting baptized.

"It's probably the only place in the world where they are coming so quickly,” she said. “Many people are having dreams. They see Jesus appear to them. Probably half our pastors were leaders, imams in Moslem mosques. They were leaders in these mosques, now they're pastors."

Another significant evangelistic movement among Muslims links China and Jerusalem. Chinese house churches plan to send at least 100,000 evangelists from China through many predominantly Muslim nations all the back here to Jerusalem.

This quiet but powerful movement of itinerant evangelists is bringing the story of Jesus Christ into the heart of the Muslim world. Technologies like satellite telev
ision and the Internet also penetrate the world of Islam.

But beyond technology, many say a supernatural dimension is at work throughout the Islamic world.

"There is an end-time phenomenon that is happening through dreams and visions," said Christine Darg, author of The Jesus Visions: Signs and Wonders in the Muslim World. “He is going into the Muslim world and revealing, particularly, the last 24 hou
rs of His life - how He died on the cross, which Islam does not teach - how He was raised from the dead, which Islam also does not teach – and how He is the Son of God, risen in power."

"We receive lots of letters about people who have had dreams about the Lord, visions, even miracles,” Shaheen said. “When they watch the program, they say yes, we had a dream or a vision, and they accept Jesus as Lord."

But Muslims who accept Jesus face persecution, discrimination or even death. Despite the dangers, many continue to live out their faith and lead others to Jesus Christ.

"Jesus loves all people, Jesus changes all people and Jesus is the One who places love and peace,” Shaheen said. “I was not like this but Jesus changed my life and I am not scared to talk about Jesus because praise is unto Him."

Some believe the Church's response to jihad must be a fearless proclamation of the Gospel to Muslims. Through prayer and evangelism, many see an
unparalleled opportunity for the Gospel.

"I anticipate that very soon – perhaps within two or three years-we are going to see the greatest harvest in history," Shaheen said.
Tens of Thousands of Muslims Coming to Christ, Says Iranian Ministry Leader

The Middle East, which has become almost synonymous with violence and Islam, is experiencing an unprecedented level of Muslims becoming followers of Jesus Christ, said Sam Yeghnazar, founder of Iran-focused Elam Ministries. There were only about 500 Iranian Christians from a Muslim background at the time of Lausanne I in 1974, he said. But over the past 30 years, more Muslims have come to Christ than in the past 1,300 years.

“Iran today is a closed land with countless open hearts,” said Yeghnazar. “It is the most open nation to the Gospel in the entire world. Tens of thousands of Iranians are turning to Christ.”

“Betrayed by the government, disillusioned with the religion, depressed by the prospects of the future, Iranians when they come to know the Lord Jesus Christ are completely transformed,” he said. “They proclaim Christ in the marketplace. Entire families, men and women, are coming to Christ.”

Two weeks ago, two of Yeghnazar’s people were imprisoned and within a week they brought six people to Christ, he shared.

More Than Dreams: Muslims Coming to Christ Through Dreams and Visions

March 2011

Throughout the Muslim world men and women without knowledge of the gospel or contact among Christians have experienced dreams and visions of Jesus Christ. “In the last days,” says God, “I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh; your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream drea
ms, and your young men shall see visions.” (Joel 2:28 )

For decades, a well-documented phenomenon has been occurring in the Muslim world—men and women who, without knowledge of the gospel, or contact among Christians in their community, have experienced dreams and visions of Jesus Christ. The reports of these supernatural occurrences often come from “closed countries” where there is no preaching of the good news and where converting to Christianity can invoke the death sentence. But these are more than just dreams. Se
tting them apart is the intense reality of the experience and the surrender of one’s heart and mind to Christ in the wake of the dream. A common denominator appears to be that the dreams come to those who are seeking—as best they can—to know and please God.

Beginning in 2002, a group of people interested in this phenomenon took initial steps in bringing it to the attention of a worldwide audience through a series of video programs. Numerous on-site interviews were conducted with former Muslims who had experienced a dream or vision of Jesus resulting in their conversion to Christianity. From the outset, the producers endeavored to represent a global cross-section of Islam in the series, and for that reason, stories were sought in Arabic-speaking countries, Muslim areas throughout Africa and Asia and the secular Muslim nation of Turkey.

The project’s goal was to create versions of these stories in multiple languages, and, in league with ministry partners around the world, disseminate th
e product globally both to evangelize unbelievers and encourage those who have already experienced a dream or vision of Jesus that they are not alone. The following five stories were put together into the video series called More Than Dreams:

More Than Dreams Video Programs
The distribution strategy of More Than Dreams involves a multi-pronged approach in which each of the five stories will be dubbed into different languages in order to reach the largest target audience possible. It is estimated that Islam numbers over one billion followers worldwide. Through satellite broadcasts and massive “home video” distribution on VCD, DVD and VHS, it is hoped that More Than Dreams will reach millions of Muslims. The producers are allowing distribution partners to use the programs
and even make copies for evangelistic purposes without royalty payments. The website morethandreams.tv provides more information on the series as well as on partnership opportunities.
For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Pure Gibberish

Am I the only one who has one of those days when you can't formulate a sentence and everything you utter sounds like gibberish? My verbal skills are so bad I could probably get a PhD in "Gibberish" if we could only get the University of New Mexico to accept it as an accredited course.

Under normal circumstances I have a pronounced Northern British accent. That's enough baggage in the south west because few understand British English, so you adapt by adding some southern flavor. "Jolly good show ya'll."

I never pronounce the "h" in horse, hospital, hero or any other word starting with "h." You may as well throw the "h" away because to myself it's "orse" "ospital" and "ero."

Invariably the listener asks me to repeat something at least twice, perhaps under the wrong impression that third time is a charm. Then they turn to the nearest person and say, "What did she say?" As though an interpreter MUST be accompanying me.

When I am very tired, or very nervous, or both, I break out in a northern colloquialism that is pure "gibberish" to most Americans. Today I was BOTH so language became a real barrier. So when I turned to my boss and said, "What' tha think'tha doin', tha freetn'd mi ter deeath" he had a look on his face that was priceless.

The worry over the truck ended in my departure from the situation. I just feel so helpless when the only thing I can do is work myself up into a frenzy and I know I have to concentrate on this blasted single wide and barn - as hopeless as it looks.

This has been one of those days when you feel so emotionally spent you almost feel lonely. My mothers best friend died this morning. Even though I wasn't particularly close to him nor his wife and family, the fact that yet another lifetime friend of my mother has died hit me pretty hard. Probably because they are all the same age.

I'm tired. Tired of fretting and worrying, and tired of spinning wheels. But I guess as a Yorkshire Lass I'll never tire of the northern
colloquialism that is my roots. Even though to others it's pure gibberish.
An Honest Yorkshireman

Henry Carey (Died 1748)

I is i' truth a coontry youth,
Nean used to Lunnon fashions;
Yet vartue guides, an' still presides
Ower all my steps an' passions.
Nea coortly leer, bud all sincere,
Nea bribe shall iver blinnd me ;
If thoo can like a Yorkshire tike,
A rogue thoo'll niver finnd me.

Thof envy's tongue, so slimly hung,
Would lee aboot oor coonty,
Nea men o' t' earth boast greater worth,
Or mair extend their boonty.
Oor northern breeze wi' us agrees,
An' does for wark weel fit us ;
I' public cares, an' love affairs,
Wi' honour We acquit us.

Sea great a maand is ne'er confaand
'Tiv onny shire or nation,
They gie un meast praise whea weel displays
A larned eddication;
Whaal rancour rolls i' laatle souls,
By shallow views dissarnin',
They're nobbut wise at awlus prize
Good manners, sense, an' larnin'.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

This Is No Recession; It's A Depression

The beautifully warm spring weather disappeared giving way to high winds and threats of snow, a mere hiccup in the start of the summer weather.

Family members are still trying to retrieve the truck in Texas, and I feel more than helpless because I don't even have a vehicle I can go get it with. I don't even have a vehicle I can drive to Lubbock in. Both myself and my youngest daughter have stomach aches and a lousy migraines worrying about this truck and the cost to get it back. The only thing I seem capable of doing - is panicking.

The loan on her truck was declined, well, actually not declined. She was only offered $200, so she is now trying to secure a loan with her trailer. It will cost $1,000 to retrieve her truck.

Bill Dement recently wrote a letter to the editor that summed up my feelings pertaining to the economic situation we are facing. For people like myself who have already lost everything it adds salt into wounds for recovery is virtually impossible. Yesterday someone on-line, my own age, wrote," If I lost everything I would just start again." Oh, no she wouldn't. She has no idea the difficulties she would face. When the economy is good, when loans are easy to acquire, when circumstances are different ~ but not under the present circumstances.

This is no recession; it's a depression

To the editor: Posted: 03/17/2011 08:23:45 PM MDT

In response to the tongue-in-cheek editorial [Ruidoso News, March 9] that the recession is over and inflation is under control I would like to refer back to my letter to the editor in March 2010. I stated that we would be seeing Weimar Republic style hyperinflation and I mentioned that the PIIGS in Europe, whose economy had tanked under enormous debt loads would soon be here.

Is the government telling the truth about real inflation, unemployment or our real debt load? No. Real inflation started when Nixon took us off the gold standard in 1971. According to Jim Quinn, a leading economist if we factor in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac which is a government obligation the true national debt of the U.S. Is $18.964 trillion and we have a debt level of 130 percent of GNP. If you do not factor in Freddie or Fannie you come up with a debt level of 90 percent of GNP.
If you look at data of 44 countries over 200 years and Zimbabwe, Argentina, and Weimar Germany come to mind, every country hitting 90 percent of GNP as a debt level has seen economic Armageddon; devalued currencies, and a reduced living standard. Some naysayers point out that during WWII the U.S. Reached a debt level of 120 percent of GNP. This is not 1945 and we are no longer a net manufacturing nation. We are simply consumers. As for unemployment, according to several economists the government's figure of 9 percent unemployment is perhaps 16 percent to a high of 22 percent that John William's Advertisement Quantcast Shadowstats espouses.

There are many people who are underemployed. This means they are not making their bills on their salary but they stopped looking for a better paying job. They may have had their hours cut. How many people in Lincoln County feel this way?
Other people stopped looking for work while they went to school in the hope that a graduate degree will help their job prospects. When we look at the spiraling upward household debt levels; credit card debt comes to mind, people are using credit cards to pay for soaring gas, food, and heating bills. They simply cannot make it on their salaries.

Until we demand that our government post the real facts and enter into serious discussions about the problems of the U.S. Economy there will be no fix in site. Let's stop the spin. This is no recession. It is a depression. This is not solely a Republican or Democratic issue, it affects every American.

Bill Dement

For people like Robert & Sylvi Huckins, who have stolen so much money they are well cushioned, they have a home, the economic situation won't even faze them. For their victims like myself.. left homeless and my career in ruins this is beyond anything I can even put into words.

I scrimp and save trying to come up with building supplies, I was so blessed that KEDU 102.3FM radio station and Alto Cafe were kind enough to raise some funds that was enough to buy an old single wide trailer and have it hauled in. I am frantically trying to find a way to pay a contractor a paycheck when I can't even earn a paycheck to do any other than keep my head above water. I think the judicial system should tell me how they expect me to do it on $450 a month.

I am simply lost at how to get this building and renovated started. Totally lost, and so frustrated.

Meanwhile the family of raccoon returned last night trying to demolish my belongings that are packed in boxes. If I didn't adore raccoons I may be sorely tempted to shoot them ~ but I'm a wildlife person. I simply love animals if they be wildlife, domestic animals or livestock. It perplexes me when human beings kill, just because they can.

Someone shot, killed and dressed a doe behind Alto Post Office and her head is now laid alongside the road. When people are willing to poach this close to residents it's a horrifying sign of sheer desperation. The economy is going to get a whole lot worse before it get's better and I, for one, am terrified that I can't get on my feet fast enough to survive it.

A good heart is better than all the heads in the world. ~ Edward Bulwer-Lytton

Monday, March 21, 2011

The New American Dream

I have not slept a wink all night. I kept trying to go to sleep and panic engulfed me. A late model truck left in Texas and no-one has the money to retrieve it. Homelessness I can't seem to resolve and everything else just left me in a state of sleepless panic.

It wasn't until 12 noon that I spoke to my daughter, who is going to get a loan on her old truck to finance going to get the new truck. This economy, and how it's making life so hard for my kids, is simply terrifying.

Last night gale force winds started up and it made being inside this shed hell on earth, and compounding everything a family of raccoon started destroying my boxes of belongings. By 6 am I could no longer keep my eyes open or find the energy to sit up, but sleep still wouldn't come, and the panic wouldn't go.

Clearly I have to lower my living expectations, just to stop myself from having a nervous breakdown.
I may have to chose between staying in a shed with raw sewage, wind, and wildlife coming through - or I may want to consider the latest in eco-friendly residences that need no building permits, or help to construct. I can enlist the help of my grand-children to make these, and they come with matching decor and accessories.

No stairs for my mother to worry about. You don't have to worry about cleaning.. just throw out the old and bring in the new. And here I have spent three years mortified that I couldn't get into a home ~ when the answer was so simple.

The winds are so bad that we have emergency warnings but I am so tired it's giving me an excuse to take a day off work and just... sleep.

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. ~- Ralph W. Sockman

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Stolen Money Has Been Found..

Well, that isn't exactly true. The $450 restitution payment for March, which Robert Huckins has to pay to keep out of jail arrived yesterday. So $450 of it surfaced.

It would delight me no end if I could blog;

"Robert & Sylvi Huckins had a conversion by miraculous intervention, and in a sincere show of repentance they have told ALL of the victims where they hid the stolen money, so now we can have the home we bought and paid for."

But that hasn't happened thus far, and I don't think I should hold my breath.

The judge has decided that if Robert Huckins doesn't fess up to where they hid the money he's going to be thrown in prison - where he belongs.

But, I have seen the judicial system and I'd have a better chance being thrown in jail for a driving ticket.

I would love to write, "MY boss bought me a $1 lottery ticket and it WON." !

That hasn't happened either.

I'd be thrilled if I could write, "Someone offered to finance me a modular."

Nope. Not happened.

I'd be simply overjoyed to write, "I have people helping me renovate the single wide and put the roof on the barn."

Sadly.. that has not materialized either. I'm still hitting that brick wall and it's excruciating.

Homeless people should fit a certain profile and we should all be given liberties in specific area's.

We shouldn't have families to worry about. My son-in-law and daughter were laid off from their places of work and cannot find employment. Today my son-in-law broke down in Texas, 600 miles from home. It's been frantic phone calls from early morning to late afternoon trying to find anyone who can help but the only course of action is for him to return to Missouri, and go back and get the truck with a trailer. Financially it's going to be very difficult for them, if not impossible, and we have all been on pins and needles all day fretting and worrying.

The first day of spring, which I have prayed to reach all winter yet I'm so disillusioned and depressed. I desperately try to find hope, but this seems such a hopeless situation, and each day just awful to get through. I feel so small, so insignificant and so helpless.

The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of. ~ - Charles H. Perkhurst

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Super Moon

Winter seems like a lifetime away, and perhaps the stress and frustration can be blamed on the super moon and has nothing to do with Robert Huckins and trying to get a roof over my head, a home.

The weather is so beautiful I can hardly believe it. We have made one huge leap from frigid temperatures to bright sunny and warm summer like weather. It went from desperately trying to keep warm - to t-shirts and shorts.

After a terribly stressful week with family problems and worries everything worked out and calmed down so today was one so peaceful. It was as though one's soul gives a sigh of relief.

I have two adult daughters and their father has refused to share parental responsibilities since they were small children .. so both turn to me. I have five grand children but I am the only grand-parent who plays an active roll in their lives.
So when financial tensions arise due to medical bills or just life the panic doesn't trickle one direction, everyone gets caught up in it.
It's very difficult for all because everyone is struggling, and I am in dire straits.

The horse that my boss was supposed to acquire 2 weeks ago has still not arrived and he's clearly getting impatient. Under normal circumstances I'd transport the horse ~ but I no longer have a hauling truck.

My income during the past 3 years has literally been 1/3rd of what I would normally earn. I can't train, can't teach, can't stand stallions because I can't get the barn finished. I truly question whether I've suffered such severe health problems through the stress and trying to go through winters in such harsh conditions that I will ever be able to return to my career. Today I felt better than I have in 3 years. Feeling good felt oh, so good - Lord let my health continue to improve.

I started seedlings some weeks ago and I'm impatiently wanting to get them planted in the garden, but as good as I felt today digging is physically beyond me. Hopefully a rotor tiller will be brought in.

Maybe tomorrow something will happen to give me some hope that I can have a home without further delay, something has to happen sometime surely?

Hope springs eternal in the human breast. ~ Alexander Pope

Friday, March 18, 2011

Spring Break

With temperatures going into the 70's the weather is fabulous. It simply doesn't get any better than this type of spring, and the Village of Ruidoso is starting to be packed with tourists for the spring break.

After being sick all night with a terrible migraine I managed to meet with my daughter at Wal-Mart to discuss what to do about the truck situation. Tomorrow four of my grand children are heading to family in California for spring break, the fifth will be coming back through Ruidoso on her way home to Missouri. I was so deathly ill when I walked into Wal-Mart I thought I'd never be able to walk out on two feet.

I am simply besides myself with worry at how I can jump start the renovation project on the single wide, and get a roof on the barn. My head is spinning trying to find any route to get into a home. It is so exhausting and nerve wrecking.

While I was in the garden center Robert and Sylvi Huckins came through and bought gardening supplies and an apple tree, and paid with a $100 bill. I don't think they even noticed me stood there until after I had left and gone to get some migraine medication from my daughter's truck.

I've met a lot of people in my lifetime but I doubt that I have ever met two people so lacking conscience, so arrogant in their lawlessness, that it really gets under my skin. They smirk at victims knowing that they... got away with it.

This spring break ... is breaking my heart.

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. ~George Eliot

Thursday, March 17, 2011

St. Patricks Day

Today the weather was fabulous, in the 70's, yet an emotionally tense & stressful day with family members facing serious medical financial problems and wondering how and when I can get this building back on track. I forgot all about it being St.Patricks Day until well after noon.

St. Patrick actually wasn't Irish, and his birth name was
Maewyn Succat. Patricius, would have been his Romanicized name. And it's long since amused me how this holiday has evolved into one that I hardly recognize. Historians have never been able to agree on "where" Bannavem Taberniae is located. Wales? South-Eastern Briton? Somerset? In his Confessio, Patrick writes:

I had as my father the deacon Calpornius, son of the late Potitus, a priest, who belonged to the small town of Bannavem Taberniae; he had a small estate nearby, and it was there I was taken captive.
He further states in another paragraph:

"I, Patrick, a most untutored sinner and lowest of all the faithful and the most despicable in the eyes of many, am son of Calpurnius, a deacon who was the son of Potitus, a priest, from the village of Bannavem Taberniae, who had an estate near it, where I was taken prisoner. At the time I was about sixteen years of age, I had no knowledge of the true God and I was borne away into captivity in Ireland with thousands of people."

His life as one of the early Christians was simply amazing. Years spent as a shepherd in isolated locations, years spent as a slave. But he left an indelible legacy for leading the Irish people to Christ that has endured hundred of years, and the shamrock simply became his way of explaining the trinity.

During his six years of slavery he developed a life of prayer and even attributed his escape from slavery to his deep Christian faith, after his escape back to Britain he had a dream in which the voice of the Irish begged him "to come and walk again amongst them". He decided to return to Ireland.

After years of preparation he returned as a missionary bishop, with some helpers. On his return he entered Strangford Lough and landed at the mouth of the River Slaney, County Down. His first church was a barn at Saul ('Sabhall' is the Irish word for barn). This barn was given to him by the first person he baptised - Dichu, a local chief in the year 432AD. The site of the original church is marked by the ruins of a 12th century Augustian Friary. Patrick traveled over much of the north and west of Ireland, preaching Christianity.

Patrick died around the year 462AD. His resting place lies in Downpatrick nó Dún Phadraig, translating as Patricks’ fort Co an Dúin County Down.

Today I received and e-mail from World Vision. World Vision is a charity I have long time supported, and I think it is small way of helping those who cannot help themselves. I tried to cut and paste the e-mail I received from them, but it wouldn't fit on this blog. So I went to the url given, and cut and paste directly from the web site.

World Vision is distributing relief supplies to thousands of people devastated by the massive earthquake and tsunami that struck Japan on March 11. An emergency response team is on the ground in hard hit areas, providing water, blankets, and other urgently needed supplies to survivors. Ongoing efforts will focus on the unique needs of children, who are the most impacted. Please help us respond quickly to this disaster.

Japan’s 9.0 magnitude quake triggered a massive tsunami along the northeastern coast – sweeping away entire villages with walls of water more than 30 feet high. “We are now facing the most tragic disaster in our country’s history,” said Kenjiro Ban, World Vision’s Humanitarian and Emergency Affairs Manager.

In the wake of a disaster, World Vision is often one of the first organizations to begin relief work by distributing emergency supplies and sending highly-trained staff to assess and respond to the most urgent needs. We remain on the ground for the long haul, rebuilding communities and restoring hope.

Please join us in praying for the children and families impacted by the devastating quake and tsunami in Japan. And send a gift to help them today.

In the event that donations exceed what is needed for Japan Quake and Tsunami Relief, World Vision will redirect funds to similar activities to help children and families in need.


I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. ~ - C. S. Lewis

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Cruel Contrasts

Yesterday I had to stay off the computer because I was so angry I could barely utter a word without exploding at everyone around me - but especially at myself.

This life is such cruel contrasts, such injustices, that it's not difficult to go into emotional overload.

Watching Robert Huckins leave a comfortable home and head towards his mothers home REALLY threw darts deep into my heart.

I can't see my mother, she can't stay in her home, because Robert Huckins made sure that was never going to be possible again. I can't take my grand-children home because I don't have a home.

I earn enough to keep my head above water in perilous financial times, but I don't earn enough to rent a place, or come up with the finances to pay construction crews to renovate this single wide.
I'm surrounded by warm comfortable homes, people who live like civilized human beings, yet yards away from homes I sit in a garden shed. And have sat here through some awful conditions - inhumane conditions.

Yet I look towards Japan, and I see the worst possible human plight, whose loved ones are missing and whose future is precarious. A horror beyond horror.

Yesterday the contrasts were simply too much for me to handle. Emotionally I couldn't handle the frustration and the injustices I see and experience.

It's strange how a national disaster, a grand-daughter, and the sight of a convicted felon who has destroyed so many lives but his own, can be just enough to open Pandora's Box and let the emotions flow...
Yesterday was the day when everything collided.

I still have no help on the horizon with the single wide and barn. Jan, at the Lazy J, thought she could find a welder to get the barn roof on but couldn't remember his name or contact information and had no idea how much how would charge..

Please God, I'm so exhausted and so desperate, Please open some doors and let us have our lives back as a family, and I ask the same for the Japanese.

No man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Monday, March 14, 2011

Missing My Family

What a stressful day this has been.

My grand-daughter came to Ruidoso to visit, and having not seen her in 3 years it was heartbreaking that I couldn't take her "home" with me. We sat in the Wal-Mart car park for what seemed like an eternity. A grandmother and her 10 year old grand-daughter trying to play catch up, trying to spend time together, but having no place to go that can welcome family.

I waited for Ashley to ask to spend the night, go home with me, as she normally would. To say anything that would force me to admit that I am homeless. How do you explain to an 11 year old that a builder has hidden your building fund - the only finances you had for a home - and there isn't a home anymore.
But she had clearly been forewarned, and kept a distance from the subject.

I miss my family and the loss is simply ripping my heart out. All the way up Gavilan Canyon back to the shed I sobbed heartbroken.

Salt was added to the wounds when I passed Robert Huckins as he left his comfortable home heading to his mothers home in Upper Canyon.. sometimes I wonder how law enforcement and the judicial system can look itself in the face without blushing.
Perhaps they don't even see their own reflection.

The Ford350, "the gray ghost", has finally gone. Where to find another hauling truck on my meager income - already under water trying to get into the single wide and get the barn finished - is yet another problem that I simply can't handle.

I missed my home and felt the barb of homelessness especially sharp today, and I still have no idea how to find the help needed to renovate the trailer and help get the roof on the barn.

I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of rights. ~ Bishop Desmond Tutu.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

A World Away

Today was another beautiful sunny and warm day, in the 60's, in paradise but I was so ill, and so cold, that my feet were freezing just as they had when the temperatures were below zero. Try as I could I simply couldn't get warm throughout the entire day. I was too ill to even try to think about the single wide and barn.

The Japanese tragedy is so distressful that your heart simply bleeds for people who have so much suffering. Even though prayer is the only thing you can offer, with financial donations, and you know that the God of creation is a loving God, prayer & donations still do not seem enough under these circumstances.
There is such an urge to push back the clock, and lead millions to safety. To protect those who perished. To spare so much heartbreak.

It's one thing to wonder about man's inhumanity towards man. But it's a totally different thing to watch entire communities, an entire nation, suffer such devastation at the hands of nature. When you see something so apocalyptic that words simply can't cover the sheer horror.

I feel terribly ill today, but I'm not out looking for my family wondering if they have been swept into the sea, or covered in feet of mud. And my heart bleeds for those poor souls who are.

Compassion alone stands apart from the continuous traffic between good and evil proceeding within us. ~ Eric Hoffer

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Sunshine On My Shoulders

What amazing weather this is. 66 degree's with crystal blue skies. The horse never did arrive, but the deer managed to eat almost 2 bales of alfalfa put in the manger for the horse. I gave a HUGE sigh of relief when it didn't arrive, perhaps by the time he gets here I won't feel so "staved up" and ill.

Today I brought in some grass hay and had to explain - again - to my boss that I no longer have a hauling vehicle. Horses without a hauling vehicle, and with an ill person handing them should be an interesting proposition all the way around.

There is a part of me just silently screaming with frustration. I just HAVE to get that trailer house & barn finished .. we HAVE to see my mother alive.. and I can't physically weather one more winter in a shed - in the bitter cold, but I'm still stuck without help and no way to "jump start" this project. I try to be so optimistic but this is the fourth spring I have been exactly where I am so I'm finding it hard to jump up and down with enthusiasm.

IF someone in the District Attorney's office would reveal where the stolen money is, perhaps I could retrieve enough to at least live HALF as comfortable as Robert & Sylvi Huckins are living.. but thus far no one has told me where the money went to.

The status quo is the only solution that cannot be vetoed. ~ Clark Kerr

Friday, March 11, 2011

Horseing Around..

The weather is fabulous today, 67 degree's, sunny - just glorious, so my boss decided to have a horse hauled in for him to ride.

It's so hard explaining to someone in their 80's that you have just come out of frigid winter temperatures, homeless, without creature comforts, that have left you physically incapacitated. That you couldn't saddle a horse, let alone try to look after one at this point in time. That you are simply too ill, seriously ill, to have such a responsibility.
For someone who works with horses this isn't good.

Yesterday I couldn't walk, nor move my arms. From my neck to my feet my body felt that any second it could shut down altogether, each step becoming more and more painful. And the migraine tore my head in two. By late afternoon it became obvious that I wasn't going to make it.. and I was given some heavy duty pain killers. This is the very first time in almost 36 months I can remember going to sleep.. and sleeping peacefully and painlessly the entire night.
It felt so good to just sleep without interruptions, without waking up in pain, unable to get back to sleep.

Perhaps I should take Jan's advice and start to take equine joint supplement and try to regain function. I thought that when the warm weather arrived I would return to normal and be able to do all the normal things.. but I couldn't have been more wrong.
This time in 2009 I had a stable full of horses and had no physical problems at all recovering from a homeless winter, but this past winter beat me up pretty bad.
This is just so frustrating.

The Japanese earthquake has been on the headlines with justification. What a tragedy, a heartbreaking tragedy .. my prayers are with the all of the victims.

Status quo, you know, that is Latin for "'the mess we're in." ~ Ronald Reagan

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Spring Foreward

The clocks go forward on Sunday and I can't wait.. or can I? The weather is so beautiful that these mountain ranges simply radiate. I so want to get going and get the single wide ready to live in, get the barn roof on. Yet I am aware that one more hour of productiveness may turn into one more hour of worrying myself sick, trying to do alone what needs skilled people.

Yesterday my youngest grand-son spent the day with me while I ran errands, and spent an hour or so cleaning the inside of the Ford350. The Gray Ghost.

You would think that cleaning the inside of a truck wouldn't be a particularly difficult physical activity. It certainly wasn't difficult for me not very long ago. After 20 minutes I couldn't move without being in excruciating pain in my spine, hips, fingers and arms and a migraine started in earnest that remained with me when I woke up this morning.

I have always been a morning person. I love being up and around before sunrise, watching a new day dawn while I work. I love the solitude, quietness the horse industry affords when mornings mean greeting the day with Gods creations.

These days I can't wait for nightfall so I can crawl into bed and try to forget the physical pain and the desperation of homelessness. I detest mornings, detest the days and drag on so slowly without any change - but to get worse. I just need it to end.

Friends across the US and in GB are wondering why I am being so quiet, why I ignore their requests for updates.. but I get so tired of responding, "nothing has changed."

Are you ok?
I wondered if you were feeling any better? Did you manage to get some help to bury your poor dog? I am worried I haven't heard from you & we will lose each other again.
Love Jackie x

How's it going... I haven't heard from you in soooo long....
What's up??? Good or bad!!!

I pray that in 2011 something will change, but I don't dare have any expectations. All I can do is keep trying.

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy and a tragedy.~Mark Twain

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

In Like A Lion... Out Like A Lamb..

Gale force winds stirred up yesterday afternoon giving truth to the saying that March comes "in like a lion and goes out like a lamb." You could barely see the Sierra Blanca that looms over us for dust, despite being so close to it.

I was so deathly ill that a trip to Lawrence Brothers grocery store turned into an awful situation. I started to be physically sick while walking into the store, and ran between vehicles to hide. It took me 30 minutes to get the gagging under control. But all through the store it continued and terrified that I would be sick inside the store I grabbed the few items we needed and ran..

I just can't believe what has happened to me in 3 years. I'm so spent.. and my life, any semblance of my life I had, has gone. I keep hearing the quote, "Life is short." But sometimes it's just way too long. Painfully long. Unnecessarily long.

I turned 56 today.. well, I think I turned 56 today. Maybe the numbers should be reversed. *Sigh*

The weather today is simply wild. High winds, colder than it has been for the past week, and pretty dismal. The Ford350, the "Grey Ghost," was returned to me yesterday. It is running, barely, but still needing all the lifters replaced. So today I'll try to clean it, detail it.. and hope that the truck goes to a new home before next week.To someone who can afford to put the money into it that it will cost to repair.
Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of it's sorrow, but only empties today of it's strength ~ Charles Spurgeon

Monday, March 7, 2011

Spring Is In The Air..

But my unsuccessful efforts to find any help with the house and barn have sent me into a downward spiral of depression.

Having spent the first 12 months unable to stop crying, I thought I was unable to shed another tear. But the past few days proved me wrong. The weather has been simply gorgeous ~ just ideal for working ~ yet instead of having hope and optimism I'm now going into panic, so depressed I don't know how to cope with the gut wrenching stress, and continual illness. I just can't stop crying.

On the 10th of March Robert Huckins will owe me another $450 (monthly) payment but I can't come up with the type of money it will take to hire contractors to renovate this single wide and get the roof on the barn for me ... let alone come up with the funds to buy the electric poles.

The way the courts have allowed this to be set up it will take Robert Huckins over TWO YEARS to repay the money that the electric poles will cost. I just don't know where to turn for help..

In skating over thin ice our safety is in our speed. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, March 4, 2011

Hitting A Brick Wall..

Despite all attempts to try and find any way to start getting the single wide renovated, the electricity & water functional and the barn roof on, I just seem to be hitting a brick wall. It's simply gorgeous weather, so inviting to "hit the ground running" yet I have been ill in bed with a migraine that is physically draining me.

Sometimes desire just isn't enough. Trying to get a roof over our heads has been the biggest hurdle I have ever faced in my life turning into a 3+ year odyssey with no end in sight. Some things make no sense whatsoever, so when I started crying yesterday morning and couldn't stop crying it didn't make one ounce of sense. By this afternoon my eyes were swollen and sore.. but still the tears fell.

You just feel so helpless. The weather is simply fabulous yet the hurdles remain exactly the same and you continue to hit a brick wall thoroughly exhausted.

The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder. ~ -Virginia Woolf

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Just Another Baby Boomer

Next Tuesday it will be my birthday, and though I have never liked birthdays it's perplexed me how easy it was to forget how old I am. I also know that I am not the only AARP candidate that forgets how old they are. If you ask anyone over 50 their age the majority tend to have to think about it before answering .
I know that I will be one year closer to 60.
And, it just may not be coincidence that MIT introduces the Whirlwind machine on March 8 1955, yet it gets more than a little scary that so many obituaries show the same birth date.

My oldest grandson, still in kindergarten, told me that the animals "love you grandma because they think you are a kid." I'm not too sure if that is a back handed way of saying that I need to grow up.

Trying to focus on the single wide trailer and the barn has got to be my priority for the rest of 2011 for I know that I won't reach another birthday if I can't get into a home, of some kind. But how to find the help I need is simply beyond me.
This winter has been incredibly hard on my body, physically depleting me, and Jan advised me to try some horse supplements for the arthritis and bone tumors. I will happily try anything that makes movement less painful.

The temperature was 61 degree's by 9 am this morning, and 66 degrees by mid-day. Simply awesome weather and I feel so blessed to have survived some serious frigid temperatures. How beautiful it has been this week. But now the stress of trying to get the house and barn done is rising, wondering how I can find the help I need to get a roof over my head without further delays.

As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed.~ Vincent van Gogh

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Remember Today Before It Fades Away...

Last night, for the very first time since Robert Huckins absconded with our building fund, I slept in a house, a home. That is because I babysat until 4.30 am this morning.

Homes are houses with attitudes. As I sat on the couch I started noticing the windows and doors, looking at the design and construction. It wasn't a big house, but when you are sitting in a 12ft shed almost anything beyond a 12 foot space is enormous. The mere fact that you can see floor, and walk without having to climb over boxes make it luxurious. I suspect that everything becomes relevant when you have been left homeless.

Today has been a fabulous day, the temperature soared to 62 degrees and it was sunny, crystal blue skies and a freshness you can only find in the Rocky Mountain. What a beautiful day it has been.

It was a day when the bitter cold harshness and hardships of winter seemed worlds away.

A day of elk and mule deer lazily taking advantage of sunshine soaked naps.
Earlier in the morning at the Lazy J Jan watched as one of her dogs played tag with 3 young coyotes. Even the wildlife are excited at the thought of spring.

Jan and I sat looking towards the Sierra Blanca and Nogal Peak, as we have done so many times, in awe of the natural beauty around us and the delightful weather.

My boss announced that he has horses coming in this week and I'm fairly worried. I have building supplies, gas heater and electrical appliances for my home stored in the feed room. In the tack room I stored my living room furniture - neither building can be used for saddles and horse feed until I move my things. I have furniture and boxes piled up in the stable..

Oh, the fun of it all...

I wonder if I will ever wake up in my own home ever again, for waking up in someone else's made me terribly homesick. I just want to go home, but home for me sometimes seems like an unobtainable illusion...

I've looked at life from both sides now, From win and lose and still somehow, It's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all. ~ Joni Mitchell