Saturday, April 30, 2011

Snow In May?

The weather forecast for tomorrow shows a chance of snow all the way through Monday. I am simply mortified. With a vegetable garden already planted for my boss this weather is turning into disorganized insanity.

We had such high winds yesterday that I was convinced that nothing would be left standing by dawn. Ruidoso Downs, where the White Fire had cleared growth, was a dense fog of airborne ash and soil.

I have been so deathly ill with violent migraines for the past 2 days, and I don't know what to do to stop them. The usual medication isn't working as my stress level rises. Little things are starting to work me up into a frenzy of panic and anguish. Little things like not winning the lottery, of not being able to get this renovation project started, little things like watching the days turn into months - again - and not see any improvement.

I feel like I have had holes bored into the wall of my stomach. Going to the bank yesterday for my boss had me sitting in the vehicle desperately trying not to be sick, the gagging reflect so bad that being sick was not going to be prevented. I never realized that when your nerves so effect your physical health until I found myself homeless.
I slept so little last night, yet found myself too weak and ill to get up and do something constructive.

By 5am this morning I felt well enough to start marketing stallions, one in particular I wanted to buy and stand before Huckins stole our building fund. I so want my own life back again. I so miss it.

There are enough horse trailers and horses at the racetrack for us to know that the racing season is "just around the corner" but the usual excitement of the summer season has been subdued a great deal for myself even if others continue on as normal. But when you see the nightmarish tragedy across the nation due to the tornadoes normal isn't in the equation for a lot of people

Few is the number who think with their own minds and feel with their own hearts. ~- Albert Einstein

Thursday, April 28, 2011

National Day Of Prayer May 5th, 2011

For 36 hours I have been plagued with a crippling migraine, so bad I could barely cope with the pain. This stress is simply killing me and I'm totally lost at why the migraines are getting so bad. While trying to sleep late yesterday afternoon my oldest daughter phoned to tell me that an acquaintance my age suddenly died, and I'll have to admit that for a brief moment I was was jealous. To be rid of these worldly problems is something I don't totally desire, but exhausted at trying to cope with them it seems to be the better of two options.

The winds have died, for now, but the damage done across this nation is beyond a national tragedy. As I looked at the demolished homes, destroyed lives left by the multitude of tornado's I couldn't help but wonder if all of these people would be able to pick up and move on, or if many would fall through the cracks and find themselves facing long term homelessness like myself.

It isn't easy watching this when one is homeless. It's too close to home. The pain too real. The heartbreak too intense. Praying for those who have lost everything, especially those who have lost loved ones.

This e-mail arrived today and it is the most timely I have ever seen.

April 22, 2011 (Good Friday)

Dear Friends in our Lord Jesus Christ. My name is Petie Brown. I live on the Big Island in the state of Hawaii. I am no one special except to my Lord. I am a 66 year old retired teacher who has been grieving over the state of our country for some time now.

I am a strong believer in Jesus as my Lord and my Savior. I also believe that I am seeing all around me, all around the world that God is doing something right now, during our time. I believe He is trying to get our attention.

I believe He is showing us that He wants us to choose Him again, to turn from worshiping false gods like power, money, sex, drugs, and celebrity. I believe it's time to choose, to pray for forgiveness for our inattention and aloofness to His being our one and only God, creator, King, and Lord. So often we count on our big Christian leaders to pray for us and to go to Washington for us and to speak to the large crowds.

However, on May 5, regular everyday people can do their own standing, praying, and worshiping. Do you want to be counted as one who believes in Jesus as your Lord, who wants to repent for your own sins and those of our nation?

Do you want God to look down from heaven and see you stand up for Him? I certainly do.

This is the plan:

On the 2011 National Day of Prayer (Thursday May 5), let's all come outside and stand up for our God. No matter where we are or what we are doing, at our appointed time, we would either stand alone if we are alone or group up if we are able to do that.

Some will be at work, others will be at school, some with be at home. Some will be in a crowded city and some in a rural area. Each of us can decide how we will stand. Even if you are traveling, you could pull over to the side of the road at that moment and get out of the car and stand for your God.

Imagine what it would look like from heaven if each believer in Jesus as Lord, came out of their dwelling and stood outside praying, praising, singing or whatever they chose to do.

This standing would be all at the same time no matter where in the US you live. Let's plan for 12:00 noon in Hawaii time zone. That would make it 3:00pm Pacific Time, 4:00pm Mountain Time, 5:00pm Central Time, and 6:00pm Eastern.

Imagine at the exact same moment, no matter where you are, all believers standing up outside for their Lord and their God. Imagine. God would look down from heaven and see us all. Each of us can decide what we want to do personally and/or in our own community. Some communities may want to gather at a park at that time. Others may want to cluster in other ways.

For people working, make a way to get out of your building at your designated time and just stand outside and pray. It doesn't need to be long, just long enough to pray and worship and be counted. Let it be spontaneous, your personal expression of devotion to your God. Pray with all your heart.

If everyone who receives this, sends it to everyone they have on their email list, Facebook friends, Twitter friends, it would pass around very quickly to everyone in the USA and people could start making their plans with friends and coworkers as to how they will do this. We could amaze our nation. We could please God with our courage and love.

We keep talking about how far our nation has slipped from being One Nation Under God. May 5 is our day to stop complaining and to make our own stand. Those of you who do Facebook and Twitter, please send to everyone and do other connections I don't know about.

I have felt God calling on me to do this for some time now. It has only gotten stronger. I believe He is completely with us in this.

Let's do it.
Courage and blessings to you in Christ,
Petie Brown

Date: May 5, 2011 Time: 12:00 noon HST, 3:00 PST, 4:00 MST, 5:00 CST, and 6:00 EST

What comes from the heart, goes to the heart. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


The $456.66 minimum restitution payment allowed to prevent Robert Huckins from being put in jail arrived this morning, leaving $77,176.84 of our building fund still owed. It's heartbreaking, simply heartbreaking.
As I looked at the money order all I could do was start crying.

A cold front has come in , dropping into the 20's during the night, getting no higher than the 50's during the day. I don't even know if it reached 50 yesterday. 50+ mph wind gusts is making today not very pleasant to work in.

The region is so dry no-one would be the least surprised if we didn't have another dangerous wildfire in the days ahead.

I have taken to entering any competition that may give me the funds to get a home, but my spirits are pretty low.

Facts are to the mind what food is to the body.~ Edmund Burke

Monday, April 25, 2011

Blue Monday

The high winds literally tore through this shed all yesterday evening, and all night, and calmed down not at all this morning. With the high winds came a drop in temperature that sent me into shock. Enough of a shock to my system to quickly reminded me that I simply cannot weather another winter in this shed and survive it.

The April restitution payment from Robert Huckins has still not arrived, but when you are trying to build and renovate a $450 payment each month is almost sickening.

The migraines eased up considerably when I stopped trying to find a way to get into a home, but this morning they returned in earnest as my mind went back onto that single-wide trailer and horse barn, and the mortifying fear that I can't find the help or the finances to get it completed engulfed me.

I have all the faith in the world that I have a home waiting for me after I leave this earth, but the faith that I can struggle through this dilemma has faded and I am grasping on with both hands.

When we talk about understanding, surely it takes place only when the mind listens completely -- the mind being your heart, your nerves, your ears -- when you give your whole attention to it.~ Jiddu Krishnamurti

Sunday, April 24, 2011

He Is Risen!

Even with a higher wind than I care for today, and colder than we have seen in a week, it is a glorious day. I am working today, very thankful for the gift of eternal life.

And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him. ~Mark 16:6

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Holy Saturday, Sabbatum Sanctum

The weather this Holy Saturday is simply gorgeous. Yesterday I started to "potter around" planting my bosses onions, tomatoes, cucumber, weeding and hoeing the garden as I went along.
When the weather is this beautiful it's difficult to remember the bitter cold winters. It's during the spring and summer that I fall in love with the Sacramento Mountains over and over again.

A garden is evidence of faith. It links us with all the misty figures of the past who also planted and were nourished by the fruits of their planting.~ Gladys Taber

Friday, April 22, 2011

Good Friday

This is really a beautiful Good Friday, but even if the weather had been awful Good Friday is always good. Today I'm going to try and pretend that I'm not homeless, and the situation doesn't seem hopeless.
This is a week-end of eternal hope.
Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active.~ Edith Hamilton

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Maundy Thursday

Not a dime has yet surfaced of the restitution payment due from Robert Huckins for April. Time is flying by so fast that I forgot that today was Maundy Thursday, the day before Good Friday. I forgot that tomorrow is even Friday, let alone Good Friday.

Even with 72 degree's temperatures the wind has been pretty wicked all day, increasing in speed in the early evening. I suspect that White Sands is blowing through, perhaps even some of Arizona. The mountain peak is barely visible under the dust.

Fighting depression and panic has made me more than a little stressed. I ran to Walmart to pick up the tomato plants and promptly lost my truck keys, my mind fixed firmly on my home and barn and the myriad of problems I seem to be having trying to get it all put together.

A few days ago I wrote to Ted and explained that hope was fading, and I am truly scared. His response yesterday should have brought me back on track, but somehow it didn't.

But this evening I found myself thinking about the cross and the debt paid for me, and the knowledge that I do have an eternal home waiting - I just wish it would hurry up and get here.
I heard a thousand blended notes, While in a grove I sate reclined. In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts, Bring sad thoughts to the mind. To her fair works did Nature link, The human soul that through me ran; And much it grieved my heart to think,What Man has made of Man. ~ William Wordsworth

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Dog Eat Dog World?

I have been sat talking with associates about the political state of affairs on a world-wide stage, and the subject of Donald Trump came up.

Of the half dozen conservatives - ALL Christians - interacting in the conversation all but one supported his bid for the White House. I quietly said: "Trumps business dealings are far too 'iffy.' " And I proceeded to relate what little I knew, which included the reality that Trump hotels and casinos in Atlantic City have filed for bankruptcy protection three times, and the State Attorney General of Texas had dealings with the "Trump University" when a demand was made to stop using the term "university"... a business which seems to have left a number of victims in it's wake. People like myself who have lost life savings, and been left in precarious situations.

Several actually defended Trump, while one put the whole situation into a nutshell by claiming that "this is the American Way. Trump is a capitalist and this type of business dealings is what the United States was built upon."

I suddenly found myself sat with tears running down my face as the reality of what I was reading hit me. Quite truthfully it makes no difference to me whom runs for office, but the mere thought that White Collar Crime was seen as the "American Way" cut me right to my core. And it may have answered why my predicament has been such a long. lonely walk without any relief in sight.If people believe that the victims of fraud and embezzlement somehow "deserved" it and are merely by-products of a savvy enterprising individuals. If it's funny instead of tragic, if we think it's inevitable instead of preventable then there is simply no hope for me.

The $450 "minimum amount" restitution Robert Huckins had to pay on or before the 10th of April still has not arrived.. and I am in a state of desperate panic to find a way to get into a home. All I can do is cry... My oldest daughter assured me that it's just a stress release, but.. well... I am so terrified that I won't be able to get into a house before winter. So scared.

Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions. ~ Dag Hammarskjold

Monday, April 18, 2011

Sleepless In Ruidoso

For the past 36 hours I have felt as though I was sat in a pressure cooker, unable to get away from the stress of trying to get this renovation started. No matter which direction I turned I couldn't find the help I needed to start the single-wide renovation and finish the barn. By Sunday night I had worked myself up into such a panic I couldn't sleep, couldn't rest ~ yet couldn't function.

I must have fallen to sleep around 5 am but by 6.30 am I jolted wide awake yet wide awake with no physical or emotional energy left. There is a real fear that winning the lottery may be the best odds I have to be in a home, ever again, in my life. Or seeing my mother alive again.

The only way for me to really describe the emotion, is that the ever present desperation reaches a crescendo. Yet I still can't find a way to do the work I need to do to reach the goal.
I keep trying to remind myself that this isn't "hopeless," but it seems to be a losing battle. I feel like such a loser, as though God has determined that I am not even worthy of a home that my mother paid for, or a family or career. A life in shambles and no possible way of recovery bar a miracle ~ and miracles are not happening.

Vision is the art of seeing the invisible.~ Jonathan Swift

Saturday, April 16, 2011

It's All My Mother's Fault

She raised me to be an honest and honorable person and I notice that crooks and thieves seem to have secure homes and don't have to worry about being left homeless. They simply take our homes and suffer the severe penalty of having to work for Walmart.

I never thought that working for Walmart would be punishment for multiple felony crimes. It would be somewhat funny if it wasn't so sad.

But there you have it.. if you steal large amounts of money in Lincoln County don't worry about having to go to jail, or losing YOUR home. God forbid, we'd hate to leave a convicted felon homeless. You'd better buy yourself a Walmart uniform because you are going to need it.

Yesterday I ended up so deathly ill - again -I didn't know which direction to turn. I don't understand how I can feel fine one minute, and the next my head is being pounded by an invisible sledge hammer, and my stomach doing cartwheels. Even while falling asleep the shed walls were spinning around me. I woke up at 4.30 am still so ill I wanted to go back to sleep - but sleep wouldn't come.

These migraines exhaust you. It's beyond the time you are unable to move because you feel so ill, the lost time. Trying to recover, to find the energy to move faster than a sloth on librium, is so difficult.

The $450 restitution payment from Robert Huckins that was scheduled to be paid on or before April 10th - the minimum amount that will stop him from going to jail, hasn't yet arrived. From here on I have to try and scrape up every penny I can find and sink as much money as I can into that land. There has to be a way to get that trailer renovated quickly.

So for today I am praying that I will feel better tomorrow, and life will stop throwing curve balls, even though the weather is gorgeous and I am so desperate. I need enough time to allow me to focus on a home, barn and getting into a comfortable living situation so I can have my family back and my career.

I need to try and get rid of this awful migraine and pray that the Lord gives me direction and sends me help on the horizon, someone with the skills to do construction work.

I am only one, But still I am one. I cannot do everything, But still I can do something; And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. ~Edward Everett Hale

Friday, April 15, 2011

Another Sigh Of Relief, Now Back To The Grind..

Today my youngest daughter was scheduled to be released from the hospital, but put on home health nurse care so she could remain on the stent iv at home. I am just so delighted I can barely contain myself, and pray that she continues the required medical care to rid her body of what could be and is a life threatening disease.
Thank you Lord!

Yesterday I was so deathly ill with a violent migraine I wanted to curl into a fetal position and make the world go away. Instead the pharmacist and I made our apologies, and I picked up my bosses medication. Then my mind again turned towards a home, a barn, and how to make that happen without any more delays.

The weather, still in the middle 60's, is simply gorgeous and I am so impatient to try and get the single wide renovated and the barn roof on, but the lack of help remains the status quo. Perhaps God will allow my boss to win the lottery and I can get enough to buy a modular. There has to be a method to rectify this dilemma. There HAS to be. My very life is depending on it.

For today I will garden and get the vegetable plants ready that I started as seedlings, and try to come up with a course of action to do the absolute impossible - get into a home before winter and return to my career.

Next week I may try to walk on water.

The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt. ~ Rollo May

Thursday, April 14, 2011

This Is Your Life...

Yesterday I stopped at the bank and couldn't help but ask the cashier, "This is MY life? Really! This is a joke - right?" Sometimes I sit in the shed and wonder if this is a movie I have fallen into.

If there wasn't a full moon out yesterday there should have been. It was a dark comedy of errors the entire day.

My youngest daughter has had an IV, but when her veins collapsed the doctor put in a tube within the veins - a stent. That left her in excruciating pain and no pain killers or anesthetic. For 6 hours the nurse totally ignored her pleas for help until my daughter broke down crying. I happened to phone the hospital asking for help for my daughter during the shift change, and those conversations were no joy. Thankfully the original nurse eventually came back on duty - and my daughter is no longer in that level of pain. But trying to go from nurse, to floor supervisor - then ask for the attending physician was so un-necessary.

The pharmacist wouldn't give me my bosses medication because she didn't like my signature. The same signature I have used for 25 years without event. So having waited for 45 minutes for his medication, while on the phone to the hospital, I left the pharmacy without his medication.

I ordered hot wings at Kentucky Fried Chicken for my boss, only to get an order that I didn't order. I was told that hot wings are no longer sold. Why I wasn't told that before I ordered, paid for and waited 15 minutes is anyone's guess.

My oldest daughter stood in Kentucky Fried Chicken with me and sighed. My boss, frustrated that I had been so long, went to bed without his hot wings or medication. I drove back to the shed with a violent migraine feeling like I had been wrung out to dry.

Thankfully when I checked my youngest daughter at 5 am this morning she had been given a painkiller and her original nurse was back on duty. High winds rattled this shed and I was so cold, but I was so exhausted I slept through the night totally oblivious to the weather. By this morning I was paying for it, the Bassel-Hagens disease has left me so crippled I can barely walk.

Promises are the uniquely human way of ordering the future, making it predictable and reliable to the extent that this is humanly possible. ~ Hannah Arendt

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Life Keeps Getting In The Way..

My youngest daughter has now been in the hospital for five days, and the White Fire is contained. I still have not been able to return to the single-wide and barn for life just keeps getting in the way.

I received a text early this morning telling me that my daughter's leg was diagnosed as MRSA, her heart biopsy showed no damage. She has a healthy heart. Her lung biopsy was inconclusive seeing as they could not complete the procedure for fear of puncturing the lung with her already broken ribs. I want to say "thank you Lord," for sparing her the heartache of lung cancer ... and I do feel that she has been blessed. But I know nothing of MRSA and I'm a little unsure what the prognosis is. So I am walking very carefully.

Three members of my family are in emergency services, two work in a hospital, two give medical assistance in life and death situations. Having medical problems to face brings a multitude of professional opinions and I am being inundated with information about MRSA, but I am trying to sort the wheat from the chaff because I have not spoken to the doctor himself.

I understand that she is going to have to remain in the hospital for another 3 days, because the doctors are going to try to put a tube in her vein to her heart - and I have no idea what is going on, so I am an emotional wreck.At this point I have no help on the horizon when it comes to getting the roof on the barn, and getting the single-wide renovated so I have somewhere to live. Even though so many other things keep distracting me, making it impossible for me to focus on one thing, getting that home livable is always on my mind.

It's just very easy for me to become frustrated when life is spiraling out of control with too much going on, for each is life threatening, stressful to handle if I was in a home. Virtually impossible to deal with when you have multiple events coming one after another - and you are homeless.

I am very tired. The weather is simply fabulous. In the 70's, sunny and welcoming. Even those friends with no construction knowledge have stopped asking me if there is any progress for they know that finding help has been a nightmare without an end.

IF the district attorney had been able to force Robert Huckins to reveal where he hide our building fund it may have been a totally different scenario. I would have been able to buy a home ready to live in and get everything organized without help.

But as a local businessman said," it is what it is." I have a convicted felon and his wife laughing at me because they got away with stealing the money, and I still have no idea how to get this project jump started despite being desperate and so very ill.

Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Dark Hole Of Uncertainty

No diagnosis has been made ~ that we are aware of ~on my youngest daughters heart & lungs though she underwent heart biopsies, and an unsuccessful lung biopsy yesterday. Each time I spoke to her she was either going into or coming out of surgery and was sedated. Unable to communicate. But I think it will end up being Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) within the organs, for that has been the diagnosis of her infected leg.
If that does become the diagnosis for her heart and lungs it will not be a good prognosis but it will not be lung cancer - thank God.

She is stressed to the maximum and with a lot of justification. I am so thankful that the hospital staff were conscientious enough to admit someone who wasn't covered by insurance, and whose finances have been severely depleted by the recession. The doctor who admitted her is truly an unsung hero.

Where to from now I don't know, and I'm not able to take the situation easily. Four days with virtually no sleep has left me looking like a rag doll left out in the mud and rain, and I suspect that this is going to be a long haul - even though I know so little about MRSA.

Robert & Sylvi Huckins looked me right in the face and told me that "they didn't care about the lives of the victims. " In fact Robert Huckins expanded and said that he "only cared about HIS family."

But I care. I cared deeply about Dorothy and the plight he left her in, and I was furious when the courts told her to return the $200 he had repaid her having stolen almost $100k of her money. And I care about MY family. My mother, my daughters, my grand-children.

I am trying to find those who care about the victims. Robert Huckins came down with pneumonia while in jail ~ not severe ~ and the judge let him go free. Dorothy died trying to get her building fund back. So who was protecting Dorothy?

This man laughs and mocks at his victims, yet he's handled with kid gloves. 27 years in jail suspended and a meager $450 a month restitution is leaving MY family in serious straits. Please God, correct this injustice if no other can or will, and place a hedge of protection around my daughter and her family.

Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength lies solely in my tenacity. ~Louis Pasteur

Monday, April 11, 2011

A New Level Of Despair

I thought I had gone through a level of hell on earth that couldn't be surpassed. I've been homeless for over 3 years while frantically trying to find our building fund. I have fought the judicial system and pulled politicians into this injustice. I have watched judges do the absolute incomprehensible.

I have sat in below freezing weather wondering if it would die of hypothermia during sleep, while looking at warm comfortable homes around me. I have stood with raw sewage around my feet more times than I dare to remember, lived in dire means trying to recover and get a home on the land we bought and paid for and watched my belongings destroyed.
And I watched those sworn to protect and serve just sit back and let Huckins walk away with our building fund right under their noses.

The losses have been huge: Beloved pets dying, my career in a shambles, my mother a nervous wreck wondering what has happened to her home, missing her family so, and my health failing.

I have been suicidal, optimistic, pessimistic, deathly ill, on-top-of-the world and down in the valley depending on what hopes came on the horizon - only to be destroyed again.

But nothing could even equal the past 36 hours. If you rolled the entire 3+ years of bottomless pit misery into a 36 hour period you still couldn't get close to what I have felt in those past hours.

Last night I just lay there too exhausted to move, yet far too stressed to sleep. My heart was somewhere in my stomach and that ghastly feeling of helplessness and hopelessness engulfed me pulling me down to a place no person wants to go to.

They say that God doesn't give more than a person can cope with. But I disagree. Life for some can become so bad that people cannot cope with it any longer.

As I write this my youngest daughter, 34 years old, is in surgery, having a biopsy to determine if the mass in her lung is malignant or benign. If she will live, or die. And my emotions are spiraling. It's hard trying to tell her to be brave when you are at the end of the rope yourself.

It's even harder trying to tell her that God WILL take care of her, that justice will prevail, while you are going through indescribable hell yourself. If God will take care of her, why hasn't He opened the doors so I can have a home and get our lives back together?

Now I am on my knee's in absolute terror. Heavenly Father, if You have not heard me in the past 3+ years I implore You to hear me now and please, in Jesus' name - spare my daughter any more health problems. Make this a mere hiccup instead of a horror we cannot withstand.

Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength.~Frances de Sales

Sunday, April 10, 2011

95% Contained

That was the news of the White Fire last night. The winds are simply awful. I woke up so stiff and cold having spent a night being battered by arctic winds that refused to subside. We owe the men and woman fighting this fire sincere appreciation for this cannot have been easy for them.

Winter returned on the high winds. Freezing cold fingers rushing through the mountains leaving nothing untouched. I froze all through the night, but I think I am so physically and emotionally depleted that I no longer have what it requires to withstand any more hardship and adversity.

During the night the raccoons returned to finish off my packed belongings sat in the shed, scattering contents and books all over. I have no way to keep the wildlife out and I am so tired I couldn't even see the humorous in this. I just expend so much energy trying to keep my life together, try to get a home, when time and circumstances just keep ripping everything apart.
The boxes of possessions being ruined somehow represent what has become of me.. torn apart, water soaked, broken, scattered. I look like a gypsy sat in a small backyard shed and nothing I do, no matter how hard I try, changes anything.

My boss threw me a boomerang yesterday when he announced that a New Mexico judge owned a 2nd home right across the road from the shed I have been living in. I just stood dumbfounded. "You mean I have been homeless walking distance from a judges SECOND home for 3 years?" He just smiled and said, "Yes."

In England I would say "gobsmacked." I was thoroughly gobsmacked. I have the pastor of the Presbyterian Church to my left, a New Mexico judge behind me, and a member of the First Baptist Church to my right.
Words often fail me.

My youngest daughter is sat in a hospital bed so scared that my heart is simply breaking. Her doctor phoned me very early this morning to explain what they have found, explaining the no-one would know anything until after they remove the fluid and biopsy the mass in her lungs tomorrow. Listening to her sob in sheer terror was more than I could stand.

I am literally on my knee's begging God to spare her anymore health problems. The worst scenario is so bad it's not something we can weather, and I am begging for a good report, a minor problem that appears major. A reprieve. Not a "but" and "if" in sight, but an absolute clean bill of health without any possibility of error ~ and a genuine understanding that God has spared her for a purpose.

It is the weak man who urges compromise -- never the strong man.~ Elbert Hubbard

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Cup Runneth Over

There are times when your cup runneth over and it feels like Niagra Falls coming at you.

I expected that today would be an exercise in frustration because the high winds refuse to die down, and I still can't find any help to finish the single wide and get the roof on the barn. These shocking migraines continue to plague me - and quite honestly I am beyond panic struck. I started to have some serious anxiety attacks as March went into April without any progress.

Before noon I received a phone call that my youngest daughter was being admitted into the hospital with a mass in her lungs that looks too much like lung cancer for comfort. Without a correct diagnosis it's too early to start to panic - but with a family history of cancer and lung cancer after the phone call came it was too late to tell me that I shouldn't panic. Panic was right on the top of the list and I managed to succeed doing that with as much proficiency as I have failed getting into a home.

Being homeless desperately trying to get a house finished for this length of time brings such insecurity that you can never get your feet on the ground - you remain dangling off a cliff vulnerable to everything. Your earning potential is depleted, you are chained to the absolute desperation of trying to do what starts to look impossible. Get a roof over your head and be able to spend time with your mother and family, return to your career. HAVE a life.

I'm unsure if I should throw caution to the wind and travel across the country to see to my youngest daughter - or pull my hair out in frustration. I can't imagine the sheer terror they are going through with no health insurance and finances already stretched to the limit.

No ordinary work done by a man is either as hard or as responsible as the work of a woman who is bringing up a family of small children; for upon her time and strength demands are made not only every hour of the day but often every hour of the night. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

Friday, April 8, 2011

Hanging By A Thread

Whatever happened to the weather last night I will never know, because after so little sleep since the start of the White Fire I was out like a light. I woke up at 5.30am so stiff and sore I felt like I had gone through the frigid winter again. Even by noon my hips, spine and shoulders were so stiff I could hardly walk.

Even though it's in the 60's, it's windy and pretty depressing.

Someone posted a photo of a home made out of a renovated fire tower that is simply delightful. I can't even manage to get this single wide livable but the fire tower is so gorgeous I couldn't resist dreaming..

This is one of those days you literally chew your lips with frustration. Even with help there really isn't a way to work on the property - which is as well, because I don't have the help I need.

I heard about the diesel Ford350 yesterday, the new owners need to put in a new motor amongst many other repairs. They are looking at a minimum $5,000 repair cost. It somewhat breaks my heart that something that looked so clean and pretty was no longer financially feasible to keep running. I miss it a lot. Work is so much harder - and often impossible - without a hauling truck, but everyone I know who has owned a 2003 diesel powerstroke motor has had the same heartache with them once they pass the 140,000 miles. The warranty on Jan's powerstroke just expired and her repair costs, while under warranty, are terrifying her now that she will have to pay for them.
There is a lot to be said for horse power.

I'm not too sure how I can get the work on my property started, or if I can do it. Emotionally I'm hanging by a thread pretty frightened that I will have to face another winter homeless. I desperately need a miracle. A wondrous miracle.

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Thursday, April 7, 2011

50% Contained?

We are getting two different reports. One claiming that the White Fire is 30% contained, the other saying that the White Fire is 50% contained.
The winds whipped up during the night but quickly subdued when a light rain started.

White Fire 50 percent contained
Alamogordo Daily News
By Duane Barbati, Staff Writer
Posted: 04/06/2011 11:06:34 PM MDT

The White Fire north of Ruidoso Downs is 50 percent contained as of Wednesday night, a fire incident command spokeswoman said.

Public Information Officer Margo Witt said the acreage is at 10,341 acres.

"The fire was contained further with winds between 20 and 25 mph," Witt said. "Our fire fighting lines held Wednesday. We're going to continue to monitor the fire throughout the night (on Wednesday). They've been making good progress and today (Wednesday) was a good day to test that progress. They've got some good strong fire fighting lines to hold or continue to contain the fire."

She said the fire is now being contained just north of Ruidoso Downs on Lincoln National Forest land.

"So far we've had no injuries from the fire," Witt said. "We have the Type II team fighting the fire now with several hotshot crews from across the country, New Mexico and engine crews from statewide."

The cause of the fire is still under investigation by the U.S. Forest Department. It began Sunday in Gavalin Canyon, New Mexico State Forestry spokesman Dan Ware said.

The fire has destroyed five houses in the area and several barns and outbuildings.

I remained awake until late in the evening, unable to sleep with the winds beating the side of this shed. Even though my adult children are no longer on the line - someone's children are, and the fear that the winds would become problematic kept me awake.
Before daylight I was wide awake searching for an update.

The damp had activated the mold in the shed I am staying in, and even before I fully woke up I was freezing cold and smell of damp and mold started to unsettle me. With a few days of high winds forecast I am praying that God will calm the sea - in this case mountain - and give these men and women the chance to get this fire fully contained. Then we will have to worry about the monsoon weather. Ever since Robert Huckins stole our building fund I have spent the spring under water, ankle deep in rain and sewage. My boxed belongings being ruined.

This year that same worry will plague those in the wildfire region who no longer have the growth to retain the rains, and flooding now poses a real danger to those living and working in those area's.

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.~ John F. Kennedy

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Smoke Free Ruidoso

With the weather going back into the 70's, and a 5-11 mph breeze, my mind and heart has gone back onto my single wide and barn, but with the warm weather returning virtually everyone have found themselves too busy to spend any time helping me.

Last night I had the most bizarre nightmare I have ever had. I dream't that I was so distraught that I couldn't get a home that I took an overdose of Phenylbutozone. The nightmare unsettled me so much I woke up sweating, and the only reason I would have such a horrendous nightmare is the stress of the White Fire, and the loss of 5 homes. It reached me on a subconscious level emotionally. It opened the raw wounds of losing mine, and the struggles I have faced, of being a homeless person watching others lose their homes.

Even after I woke up I kept asking myself why I continued to do the impossible alone, that itself seemed as bizarre as the horror of the nightmare.

By the time I was fully awake I realized that I had no alternative but to keep trying to do what has thus far been the impossible.

Still, I am terribly confused and frustrated how to "kick start" this project, and cannot deny otherwise.

The White Fire still burns but it's left the immediate Ruidoso Downs region so getting updates is very difficult. The local fire departments were pulled off the fire when the hotshots arrived from across the southwest.

We are sincerely appreciative for our local fire departments, and those who have come to help from other area's. Hotshots, emergency personnel and so many others. Even though we cannot "see" the danger it's still very much present, and I pray for those in harms way.

The only real nation is humanity. ~ Paul Farmer

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Will The High Winds Return?

April 5, 2011 10:30 AM

Acres: 10,089 Start Date: April 3, 2011
Cause: Under Investigation. Location: North of Ruidoso Downs, NM
Containment: 20% Fuels. Type: PiƱon/Juniper, brush/grass
Terrain: Steep and Rugged. Resources: 5 Type 1 Crew; 7 Type 2 Crews; 2 Helicopters; 16 Engines; 5 Dozers
Total Personnel: 401 Structures: 5 homes lost with numerous outbuildings
Injuries: None

A decrease in winds and cooler weather yesterday, along with assistance from air support, allowed firefighters to make significant progress on the White Fire. The fire is located north of Ruidoso Downs and west of Forest Road 120.

Today, crews will continue patrolling and conducting mop up operations, searching for and extinguishing any smoldering spots along the fire area near affected subdivisions and along NM Highway 70. Travelers are cautioned to drive carefully along NM Hwy 70, due to an increase in fire traffic.

Warmer conditions and slightly stronger wind speeds are expected today potentially increasing fire behavior where the fire is more active along the northwest flank.
Increase in acreage is due to accurate GIS mapping conducted during an aerial view of the fire yesterday.

All evacuations were lifted on Monday and school activities are scheduled to resume normal operations today.

Smoke will become more visible from the town of Ruidoso and surrounding areas this afternoon towards the northeast area of the White Fire as temperature trends become warmer and winds from the southwest increase.

For further information on the White Fire, call the fire information center at 575-257-3473 from 7 am to 9 pm or visit Residents interested in receiving updates on this and other fires throughout New Mexico can also follow @nmfireinfo on

Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.~ Frederick Wilcox