I don't even know how to explain how stressful yesterday was. By 7 pm one of those migraines that start in the pit of my stomach had taken hold of me and I frantically tried to get to sleep before the double vision and vomiting started.
All night long I drifted in and out of sleep. My hips and spine hurting so much that the pain killers didn't make a dent on the migraine and by midnight I had lost my vision and was deathly ill. It was an awful night, but it could have got a whole lot worse.
I woke up at 5 am with nothing more than a throbbing head, my eyes feel so swollen and sore, and I am so tired I feel like I just finished 8 hours of hard labor. Tired doesn't describe this, exhaustion doesn't even cover it for I'm just beyond both.
I really want to sleep. I want this physical pain to leave so I can function, but I also want to sleep.
Nerves are funny. About 2 years ago I started uncontrollably vomiting. I can barely speak to anyone for longer than 5 minutes because I can't stop gagging. There are times when I can get hold of myself and take enough deep breathes to speak again. There are times when I'll have to walk away because I can't stop. Often even while on the phone I find myself unable to answer or continue in a conversation because the gag reflex is starting, and I can't stop it.
My stomach feels tied in knots continually. Each week I buy lottery tickets for my boss at TR's store. When I go to buy them I may sit outside that store for 5 minutes trying to stop myself from gagging each time I speak. And every time I leave the store I will get back into my truck and start gagging again. More than once I have literally collapsed onto the front seat of the truck in front of TR's and buried my head into the upholstery.
The gagging reflex has tormented my life for over 2 years. It's made face to face conversations virtually impossible. There are times I can get more control than others. There are times when I couldn't face another human being, because I can't control it. I refuse to drive any distance with another person in my vehicle.. because I'm not too sure how long I can go without starting to gag.
But why it slowly started up during the time period I was getting subpoenas to appear in court totally bewilders me. I know that it has to be partially related to nerves, yet I also know that it's causing unbelievable damage to my stomach and throat. And I have no idea what to do to stop it.
Around the same time my hands started to "tingle" as in "pins and needles" each time I try to go to sleep. The loss of feeling in my fingers is really bothersome because I have rightly or wrongly associated it with lack of oxygen.
The last and final schedule to go to Tulerosa ended up being this coming Monday morning. And it will be just Mike and I. Jan's flatbed trailer has 200 bales of alfalfa on it, and no-one available to unload it. It's complicating matters, and gives only a narrow window to get everything picked up, but not making it impossible to do.
By Tuesday we may have snow again..several days of snow. But weathermen have been known to be wrong - thank God.
We cannot seek or attain health, wealth, learning, justice or kindness in general. Action is always specific, concrete, individualized, unique. ~ Benjamin Jowett
