Yesterday afternoon I ran to Wal-Mart and bumped into Jesse Gordiola , who asked me what work had been done on the single wide trailer. I was so ill, and embarrassed, that my health is going downhill I could only explain that no work has even been attempted - by anyone - since New Mexico Construction Industries Division red tagged the project last year when I was desperately trying to get the home finished before winter arrived.
I couldn't even find the energy to ask him if he still intended to put a roof on the trailer for me, or even show any optimism that I can find any help no matter what I do. And seeing as he didn't offer to put the roof on I never even approached the subject. I think I am way past talking about renovating because I have been let down so many times.
Enthusiasm just doesn't seem to be an emotion left within me.
With the daytime temperature moving towards the low 60's it was simply fabulous weather but again we are being teased with warm springlike weather directly before an impending snow storm.
I spent the entire day today frantically trying to get help with my truck. It really irks me when people far younger than myself make fun of situations instead of being helpful. Perhaps I was that way when I was much younger, meaning in my 30's.
You can't find your glasses and can't see too well with or without glasses. For someone with 20/20 vision that may seem a wee bit amusing.
You can't see the oil stick to know if you have enough oil. At a certain age it becomes a "touch" not a "see" world. Perfect eyesight isn't permanent, and when it's gone it's well and truly gone.
Physical illness is also another catastrophic event that seems to amuse younger people.
3-4 years ago I could have transported horses across the country, and handled stallions, without blinking an eye. Today I have spent cold winters without heat in a shed full of mold and I can barely move without excruciating pain. I get frustrated with my own physical health but I get more frustrated by sarcastic comments made by younger - and not always smarter - people.
I suspect that physical and emotional exhaustion isn't something that we truly understand until it hits us, depression, the feeling of hopelessness and desperation can't even be fathomed by those forging a life .. who have a home to go home to, who have not experienced adversity let alone permanent homelessness. Who have never sat alone in a shed thoroughly confused as to what comes next, or how to repair so much damage alone. Those who have so many tomorrows that a lifetime seems an eternity.
The next time I get frustrated at my 85 yr old boss because he can't hear, has the tv too loud, doesn't seem to understand that I am frozen solid having spent the night in 14 degree weather, or that I am struggling with migraines I don't seem to be able to control I'll bite my tongue because he's sure in a whole better shape for an 85 yr old than I am in for a 57 yr old.. and it's not fun being made fun of.
Remember, friends, as you pass by as you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so you must be. Prepare yourself to follow me - Anon.
