Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Life Is Like A Broken Record

Almost the end of March, and true to form it is leaving like a lamb. My main fear is that when the spring rains arrive this shed will yet again be under water, including raw sewage, and I have no way of protecting my possessions stored in this shed. I never expected to still be here this spring.. I truly didn't. Now I wonder if I will ever get into a home.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous today. Rio and I went to the Lazy J, where the sheriff's Posse members were working on an RV intended for the members to use. Jan was doctoring an elderly Arabian stallion who was seriously injured this past week and I was starting to feel so depressed that my focus must still remain on that single wide and barn, not join in the summer activities or return to my career.

I feel like the proverbial broken record.

On the way to the Lazy J Ranch I drove past the single wide that is being renovated on the land sold by USRay and the progress is simply amazing. Yet I am still struggling trying to find a way to get my single wide home and barn finished - or even started.

My eyes are so sore with crying, something I have not been able to stop for weeks. Not crying as in sobbing, just tears running down my face for no other reason than the sheer hopelessness, helplessness and desperation I feel. In the middle of the store, while working, while watching a movie tears run down my face uncontrollably.

Everything is now trying to work against the clock, trying to get into a comfortable home before winters arrives, trying to get stability, trying to do what I have been trying to do for 3+ years. There is an urgency, and an undercurrent of sheer panic. And it's flowing into my eyes and rolling down my face.

Ironically yet again I bumped into Robert Huckins today, while he was putting gas into his vehicle. I'm sure that watching me struggle is inflating his ego no end.

Tomorrow morning I have to go and pick my grand-son up and we can garden all day to keep him preoccupied.

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.~ Albert Einstein