Sunday, April 10, 2011

95% Contained

That was the news of the White Fire last night. The winds are simply awful. I woke up so stiff and cold having spent a night being battered by arctic winds that refused to subside. We owe the men and woman fighting this fire sincere appreciation for this cannot have been easy for them.

Winter returned on the high winds. Freezing cold fingers rushing through the mountains leaving nothing untouched. I froze all through the night, but I think I am so physically and emotionally depleted that I no longer have what it requires to withstand any more hardship and adversity.

During the night the raccoons returned to finish off my packed belongings sat in the shed, scattering contents and books all over. I have no way to keep the wildlife out and I am so tired I couldn't even see the humorous in this. I just expend so much energy trying to keep my life together, try to get a home, when time and circumstances just keep ripping everything apart.
The boxes of possessions being ruined somehow represent what has become of me.. torn apart, water soaked, broken, scattered. I look like a gypsy sat in a small backyard shed and nothing I do, no matter how hard I try, changes anything.

My boss threw me a boomerang yesterday when he announced that a New Mexico judge owned a 2nd home right across the road from the shed I have been living in. I just stood dumbfounded. "You mean I have been homeless walking distance from a judges SECOND home for 3 years?" He just smiled and said, "Yes."

In England I would say "gobsmacked." I was thoroughly gobsmacked. I have the pastor of the Presbyterian Church to my left, a New Mexico judge behind me, and a member of the First Baptist Church to my right.
Words often fail me.

My youngest daughter is sat in a hospital bed so scared that my heart is simply breaking. Her doctor phoned me very early this morning to explain what they have found, explaining the no-one would know anything until after they remove the fluid and biopsy the mass in her lungs tomorrow. Listening to her sob in sheer terror was more than I could stand.

I am literally on my knee's begging God to spare her anymore health problems. The worst scenario is so bad it's not something we can weather, and I am begging for a good report, a minor problem that appears major. A reprieve. Not a "but" and "if" in sight, but an absolute clean bill of health without any possibility of error ~ and a genuine understanding that God has spared her for a purpose.

It is the weak man who urges compromise -- never the strong man.~ Elbert Hubbard