Monday, April 18, 2011

Sleepless In Ruidoso

For the past 36 hours I have felt as though I was sat in a pressure cooker, unable to get away from the stress of trying to get this renovation started. No matter which direction I turned I couldn't find the help I needed to start the single-wide renovation and finish the barn. By Sunday night I had worked myself up into such a panic I couldn't sleep, couldn't rest ~ yet couldn't function.

I must have fallen to sleep around 5 am but by 6.30 am I jolted wide awake yet wide awake with no physical or emotional energy left. There is a real fear that winning the lottery may be the best odds I have to be in a home, ever again, in my life. Or seeing my mother alive again.

The only way for me to really describe the emotion, is that the ever present desperation reaches a crescendo. Yet I still can't find a way to do the work I need to do to reach the goal.
I keep trying to remind myself that this isn't "hopeless," but it seems to be a losing battle. I feel like such a loser, as though God has determined that I am not even worthy of a home that my mother paid for, or a family or career. A life in shambles and no possible way of recovery bar a miracle ~ and miracles are not happening.

Vision is the art of seeing the invisible.~ Jonathan Swift