Monday, April 11, 2011

A New Level Of Despair

I thought I had gone through a level of hell on earth that couldn't be surpassed. I've been homeless for over 3 years while frantically trying to find our building fund. I have fought the judicial system and pulled politicians into this injustice. I have watched judges do the absolute incomprehensible.

I have sat in below freezing weather wondering if it would die of hypothermia during sleep, while looking at warm comfortable homes around me. I have stood with raw sewage around my feet more times than I dare to remember, lived in dire means trying to recover and get a home on the land we bought and paid for and watched my belongings destroyed.
And I watched those sworn to protect and serve just sit back and let Huckins walk away with our building fund right under their noses.

The losses have been huge: Beloved pets dying, my career in a shambles, my mother a nervous wreck wondering what has happened to her home, missing her family so, and my health failing.

I have been suicidal, optimistic, pessimistic, deathly ill, on-top-of-the world and down in the valley depending on what hopes came on the horizon - only to be destroyed again.

But nothing could even equal the past 36 hours. If you rolled the entire 3+ years of bottomless pit misery into a 36 hour period you still couldn't get close to what I have felt in those past hours.

Last night I just lay there too exhausted to move, yet far too stressed to sleep. My heart was somewhere in my stomach and that ghastly feeling of helplessness and hopelessness engulfed me pulling me down to a place no person wants to go to.

They say that God doesn't give more than a person can cope with. But I disagree. Life for some can become so bad that people cannot cope with it any longer.

As I write this my youngest daughter, 34 years old, is in surgery, having a biopsy to determine if the mass in her lung is malignant or benign. If she will live, or die. And my emotions are spiraling. It's hard trying to tell her to be brave when you are at the end of the rope yourself.

It's even harder trying to tell her that God WILL take care of her, that justice will prevail, while you are going through indescribable hell yourself. If God will take care of her, why hasn't He opened the doors so I can have a home and get our lives back together?

Now I am on my knee's in absolute terror. Heavenly Father, if You have not heard me in the past 3+ years I implore You to hear me now and please, in Jesus' name - spare my daughter any more health problems. Make this a mere hiccup instead of a horror we cannot withstand.

Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength.~Frances de Sales