Saturday, June 4, 2011

Soothing Sound Of Crickets

A migraine started around 6pm that was going to lead me into the "night from hell." The strangest thing about migraines is that sufferers normally try to get hold of them ~ rein them in ~ before they go from bad to severe.

It's a strange process because it's a bit like being in a vehicle that starts to skid out of control and you take all the necessary steps to try and get it back under control. Sometimes your efforts work and the migraine dissipates within a few hours. Sometimes it works but you can only lessen the pain and symptoms. You may be able to stop the tunnel vision by just covering your head with cold wet towels. There are times when the vomiting can be kept under control by simply eating something.

Then there are times when every symptom hits at once, in full force, and nothing you do can stop it, nor decrease the severity. You are in an emotional and physical "rollover." Those can be so bad that you honestly and truly start to pray not for relief.. but you pray to die. That was last night. Until 5 am this morning I just couldn't stand one more second of trying to cope with this type of pain. I lost my eyesight, started vomiting. The shed spun around me. I woke up at 9 am, my stomach feeling like it's been put through a meat grinder while the rest of my body was taking a beating with a baseball bat. The migraine is back to a dull throb.

Through the entire night I kept hearing the crickets chirping away in unison. I used to love the sound of crickets on a warm summer night. I loved life and always had so much enthusiasm and optimism. So many goals, so many dreams. All gone. I don't know what has happened to me while sitting in this shed, but the crickets brought back days gone by when I had a home and creature comforts, no matter how humble. When I awoke each morning so excited to see the sun rise on a new day.

The crickets brought two worlds colliding together. The past and the present. The smell of the mold in the shed, the boxes of my possessions that have been water logged time and time again, pushed over by raccoons and skunk, a disorderly mess in what should be a workshop. The sheer terror of not being able to get this single wide and barn completed. The crickets reminding me of a life that wasn't mired in doubt, frustration, stress and illness.

This is the time of year I should be full of energy and doing what I do best. Instead I'm physically and emotionally drained trying to stop the next migraine. And last night showed that sometimes I don't succeed and fail miserably.

I spoke to Jan long enough to schedule showing the APHA stallion to the representative of the prospective buyer, and discussed offering the Storm Cat filly to an Albuquerque breeder... but as usual, we both forgot about bringing up the topic of getting electricity to my property, so I have no idea if she asked her electrician for advice.

Early in the morning clouds that threaten rain despite the 84 degree heat suddenly burst forth heavy duty hail, then refreshing rain. It dropped from 84 degree's to 64 degrees in less than 2 hours, then rose back to the 80's when the rain stopped. We needed this rain in the worst possible way, praying for more.

Peace, in the sense of the absence of war, is of little value to someone who is dying of hunger or cold. It will not remove the pain of torture inflicted on a prisoner of conscience. It does not comfort those who have lost their loved ones in floods caused by senseless deforestation in a neighboring country. Peace can only last where human rights are respected, where the people are fed, and where individuals and nations are free. ~ Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama