Sunday, June 6, 2010

More Losses...

In 2008, in he midst of such chaos trying to find help in the judicial system to stop the loss of my mothers building fund, my family experienced three irreplaceable losses.

My son-in-laws 2 yr old nephew died from complications from leukemia. It was a devastating blow to a family already struggling with so many tragedies. It was also one of the very first times I have watched my son-in-law reduced to uncontrollable tears.

My daughter and son-in-law had returned to Ruidoso from Phoenix after the twins were diagnosed with leukemia, so that they could help. For two years it had been a constant battle fought on our knee's. So much hope, so much disappointment.

There is something about losing a child that cuts right into your soul. My heart simply bled for his parents, grand-parents and for my son-in-law. You want to make things better, you want to stop the hurt and heartbreak, but you feel so helpless.

On the day of the funeral I sat outside the church mortified that I couldn't stop the pain I could see in the eyes around me. I knew, heart and soul, that Sean was in the hands of a loving God, free of the pain of life, blessed beyond our wildest expectations. Yet those left behind were faced with indescribable sorrow.

I lost Isaiah in the spring due to complications through colic, and his sire, Senor Kon Tiki, died when his heart failed in the autumn of the same year. Now, without breeding stallions for the very first time in 30 years I was numb with pain.

I purchased Senor Kon Tiki in 1981. Even though a horse is just an animal you have a bond engraved along the years that makes such a loss equal to losing a dear friend.

In 2008 I found myself putting on a brave face to everyone, hiding behind a sense of humor that knows no bounds, but the casualties of life left an indelible mark and each night I would awaken in sheer terror with tears running down my face.

My faith started to waiver.....

It wasn't that I didn't trust God to protect me. I didn't trust myself to have the courage of conviction to continue going through the fire. By December 2008 emotionally exhausted I just wanted to give up.

Justice is truth in action. - Benjamin Disraeli