Saturday, February 5, 2011

45 Degrees & Stress

Today should be a vast improvement because the 30 degree's yesterday felt like Hawaii after the -25 degrees. But then came.. the wind.

Copper's body is still outside the door of the shed, wrapped in a blanket. After asking for help putting her into the truck bed I was told that I should wait to bury her when the weather gets warmer, but that idea seems morbidly ludicrous.
Last night my mind raced trying to come up with any method I could load her into the bed of the truck, but 78 lbs of live weight feels like 158 lbs of dead weight and there is simply no physical way I could carry her or lift her.

This, like the weather, like the house trailer, like the missing building fund that no-one seems to be able to find just adds unbelievable stress and frustration. My heart feels like I am running a 3 minute mile with my feet standing still. Perhaps the fact that my feet are blocks of ice may make it impossible for them to keep up with my heart.
Stress really can make you blank out. Yesterday my oldest daughter and I went to Wal-Mart. A lady approached me and said, "Hi Denise." Her face looked so familiar that I should have been able to place the face with a name immediately. But I couldn't. I couldn't even think of where I knew this woman. I drew an absolute blank.
After stumbling around for 3 minutes trying to ask questions to try and place her it became obvious that she was growing as perplexed as I was, and she quickly walked away. 24 hours later I still have no idea where I know her from, who she is, or what her name is.

Sometimes you feel like a total fool. But when your mind is racing in so many directions remembering your own name may be difficult. Wondering how to move Copper. If it feels illogical to do anything with her while the ground is frozen, it does not feel logical to leave her body outside the door. In fact seeing her each time I walk outside is truly disturbing me and making this 100 times harder. Wondering if the house trailer has survived this deluge of snow and high winds, or if I have just thrown good money after bad by buying it and the supplies to renovate it. Wondering of I will ever find anyone willing to help me renovate it. Wondering if I will survive another night of frigid cold temperatures in this shed, or why when the temperatures go higher the wind chill increases, putting everyone between the devil and the deep blue sea.

And tomorrow we are forecast to have... more snow.......when we finally know we are dying, and all other sentient beings are dying with us, we start to have a burning, almost heartbreaking sense of the fragility and preciousness of each moment and each being, and from this can grow a deep, clear, limitless compassion for all beings. ~ Sogyal Rinpoche