Saturday, February 19, 2011

Never A Road Without A Turn...

This has not been an easy 48 hours. On Thursday night I started with a migraine that disabled me again. It kept me awake all Thursday night, and by Friday morning I was frantic. My eyesight had gone, the nausea refused to abate, and the world was going topsy turvy.

Around 10 am Friday morning something happened that has never happened before in my life. It felt as though my legs had been filled with lead buckshot to my knee's. Just walking was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, I had so little feeling that it was like trying to move solid wood and my legs above the knee started to tremble uncontrollably with each step.

I had no control over my body at all, and I started to become terribly scared.

My boss decided that this particular day was going to be the day that we did a thousand chores, and trying to explain to an 80+ yr old that you can't see nor function was going to be harder than actually trying to do the chores themselves.

I drove to Ruidoso twice with severely impaired vision, unable to "feel" the brake or accelerator, shaking so much I feared not being able to get his truck back without being involved in an accident. By 2 pm I couldn't function further so I crawled into bed and went right to sleep thoroughly debilitated.

When I woke up at 7.30 pm last night the very first thing I did was wiggle my toes, worried that the "lead in my lower legs" still prevailed. But they were perfectly normal. I thought about the "nerve blocks" we give horses and wondered if I had suffered a temporary block. Perhaps I will never know what happened to cause such a bizarre thing.
Whatever it was, I pray it never happens again, because losing the use of your legs is a mortifying experience.

Today was a day of bitter-sweet chaos. My daughters new Yorkie was diagnosed with a serious hereditary illness, and her husbands boxer pups have parvo. So we were running between vets and pharmacies not knowing if, with all the best care in the world, they will survive. Watching my daughter cry with a breaking heart was unbearable. Jan's first TB foal of the season, and the most valuable, died unexpectedly this morning.

So I sat with Jan, knowing that her heart was breaking, just as my daughters was, and my heart was breaking for them because you can't take that pain from them - yet you want to.
Jan and I sat talking about life, justice, fairness. We covered everything from animals, to the economy, to my home. We looked at all the people we know who are positively evil, yet seemingly they go through life unscathed suffering no adversity.

I just couldn't bring myself to stop at my property, or even think about my home, the barn and the desperate need to get this project finished and get a roof over my head, for fear that I would get upset again and another migraine would torment me for the rest of the day.

My grand-mother used to say that "there wasn't a road without a turn." That things would start to go right, eventually. But after 3 years this winter has physically and emotionally depleted me and I seriously wonder if I will ever have a home to live in, if I will die homeless or if this is going to end up killing me.

It's very hard watching good people hurting, and wickedness go unpunished. It's hard going through it yourself.
I know that God has His reasons. But they more often than not confuse me.

My life closed twice before its close; It yet remains to see, If Immortality unveil A third event to me, So huge, so hopeless to conceive, As these that twice befell. Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell. ~ Emily Dickinson