I keep thinking that someone will wake me up and I'll find this nightmare was only.. a nightmare.
The weather has been simply delightful, such a blessing. With spring so close I have to start getting my property livable, but each time I attempt to get everything organized in my mind, to even think about what I can do, I become so physically ill I cannot function.
Yet the world goes on around me totally oblivious to the impending chaos in my life.
On the land that was owned by US Rey Drilling on Highway 37 a trailer house has recently been installed. I have driven by and watched 2 men build walls, put up fencing, put in a well and well house, and all within a matter of a few weeks. It's organized progression. No chaos.
Two men have done in a few weeks what I have diligently tried to do, but couldn't get done in 3 years. I notice how quickly things have proceeded even though they are clearly not working full time.
On the left hand side of the road a few miles north there is a frame house that started to be built exactly the same time as Robert Huckins was supposed to start building our home. The owners have been living in that house for two and a half years. It was built with organized progression. No chaos.
As I have gone through this winter I realized that I'm going to be as invisible when the temperature drops to minus 24 as when it's sunny and warm. To the world the situation doesn't change any, even though to myself it is total devastation.
It has been a rude and uncomfortable awakening.
Over 12 months ago I was listening to a suggestion that I should file not for profit and use donated funds to build a home. Then a suggestion that I should try to con my boss came along. Somewhere along the way my need for a "home" became entwined with a land deal for a lot my boss was selling. Finally it was suggested that I be conniving and deceiving and do something that would betray many. It became disorganized, chaotic and incredibly stressful.
I was mocked for even contemplating buying a trailer. I was told that there was something "wrong with my self esteem to even consider such," and asked if "that is what I thought I was worth." I can't explain to anyone how ill it made me, or how many nights I sat in tears on the phone with Suzie Stockton.
I told Suzie Stockton that no home was worth doing anything illegal or immoral to obtain. I refused to be pushed or manipulated to do things that I would sorely regret, that would hurt others. When I said such Suzie told me that I was "braver than her."
But today I am almost eating those words, sincerely wondering if I was wrong, because honesty and honorably has gained me nothing but defeat.
Having purchased a trailer, and building supplied, I feel like I have been pulled by the hair through a hedge for everything I try to get it renovated leads me to more disappointment.
While speaking to Jan I honestly said, "I dare not have any hope. My whole existence has turned into a hopeless cause. I question why a loving God would ever allow this to happen, or why something as simplistic as renovating a trailer has been an unobtainable goal. I miss my mum, I miss my life. I live in desperation. And I know that I no longer have the physical or emotional energy to go on. Yet I don't know what alternative I have."
I realize that to everyone else spring isn't even here yet, with the weather temperature dropping at a rapid rate I understand that winter is not finished with us yet. But having started 3 springs intending to get this land livable no-one knows more than myself how quickly spring can go to summer, and into winter with nothing accomplished but further heartache and heartbreak.
Now trying to stop myself from becoming debilitated I'm terrified of trying to find new means to get this home put together. But I must. I have no options. Trying to get help, and evade more chaos seems to be the problem. I don't know which direction to go to locate "hope" anymore.
Never give out while there is hope; but hope not beyond reason, for that shows more desire than judgment. ~ William Penn