John never arrived and I couldn't get hold of him despite my phoning almost none stop. Right after noon yesterday I started with a lousy migraine that just got worse as the day went by. I fell asleep before 5.30 pm, but woke up in the middle of the night deathly ill. So ill each time one of the dogs moved I screamed at them to lay still, not rock the boat anymore than it was rocking already. The whole world was spinning around me, my vision already gone, sick to my stomach and I was so cold I couldn't stop shivering as the wind blew right through this metal shed.
The truck had broken down multiple times going to Ruidoso and coming back yesterday, and the fear that it was going to break down and leave me stranded was a real possibility. I just felt like my last nerve was unraveling and trying to do "the right thing" seemed impossible.
Had I been able to put a roof on the barn and start to renovate the building a bit at a time to make it into a house 2+ years ago, I would have done so. If I could have sold this bloody land and recouped some of the money I would have done so. Had I been able to renovate this old trailer, or any old building before winter I would have done so. I have tried EVERYTHING without any success - and it's worn me down to nothing.
My finances can only go in one direction. I either sink all of my money into building a home, or I sink all of my money into maintaining & repairing my vehicle, and having a standard of life worth living. I can't financially do both. A building project is simply NOT in my present budget. And you can't have stability without a home or without a vehicle - so I'm stuck betwixt the devil and the deep blue sea.
Thus far I have managed to neglect everything so that I can put every dime into a home and the end result is half a vehicle and half a house, neither doing me any good and both causing so much worry it's making me ill. I can't handle losing my truck when I'm homeless. It would be the straw that broke the camels back.
Everything I think IS logical in theory, in what is nothing short of a deplorable situation, is turning into one fiasco after another in practice. John told me that it would cost $600 to put the roof up over the 2,000 sq foot barn if he was allowed to put up a pipe roof, so I purchased $600 worth of pipe. I already have the material on the ground waiting to be used. If I get the barn roof up I can put all my belongings into a dry barn instead of having it scattered all over, and being ruined.
Getting that barn roof up is turning into a bloody nightmare.
I was told that it would take a matter of days to renovate the trailer. 5 months later it only has 2 windows replaced.
My oldest daughter and I discussed the recession and how people are hurting in this county. She mentioned one person whose father had died last week and she didn't have the money to travel to him before he passed away, and horrified I asked "Why didn't someone say something?" I don't have anything but the money to put the roof on the trailer, but I would have gladly paid the airfare in such a situation.
Then she told me about a man who had lost his hand in an accident last week, and had no insurance. His wife can't drive and he is the sole provider. I sat exasperated asking how we could get together and help his family through this holiday season.
I felt so helpless being in such a ludicrous position myself.
I thought I could settle in knowing that I was going to face a rough winter and use that time to try to write fiction - alien territory for me - but it's real hard to think when you are cold, worried and ill. Yet I keep struggling trying to put everything together again, trying to get the barn roof on, the trailer renovated, trying to "fix" a broken life that doesn't seem impossible to fix . But it's impossible for me.
Mike intended to head to the property tomorrow and do something - anything - just to keep the work progressing along but Mike has no building experience. Instead I have asked if he would help me find a good diesel mechanic and see what is wrong with the truck and how much it's going to cost to repair.
And here we are on the 22nd of November and the Novembers payment from Robert Huckins still has not arrived...
Life should never be this much fun. So much for American justice. I will repeat what I have said from day one. If Robert Huckins is not going to repay the $82,200 in it's entirety, in one lump sum so that I can have a home and my life can return to normal, instead of this inhumanity being allowed to continue...PUT THIS MAN IN JAIL WHERE HE BELONGS!
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.
